Well, it’s the new year already, lived a bit in it and… nothing has changed really. Lectures are over now, but the exams have already started, so I’m studying day and night. The next one is on 31st and it’s going to be the hardest one, so… yeah… I guess it’s needless to say that my stress levels are quite high right now. Especially now that I’m actually trying to get high grades and not just pass… Even if I don’t have much chances of continuing my education in England… I’d still rather try, you know… We’ll see…
Other things… well, I’ve been having anxiety attacks the past few weeks. One got quite bad and I even ended up in ER with dangerously high blood pressure and heart rate. I freaked out and thought that I was going to die (and the doctor telling me that I could have died didn’t really help me calm down), but I was okay and I now have a handful of medications in case I get a panic attack like this one again, so I should be safe. And my panic attacks have been much milder since I started drinking this one medication for the nerves. But unfortunately the anxiety is not completely gone…
I don’t know whether it will ever be gone. I’m trying to get over it, to get over the depression, the moodswings and so on. But it’s hard. Especially now that I’m quite stressed around the finals – it’s getting hard to keep those under control. And right now I’m sick – got the flu and feeling quite down because of it as well. The problems with my sleep remain… I dunno all this put together and they make me feel in ways I don’t want to feel.
But right now I’m trying to stay concentrated on the exams and not let my depression take over me. I cannot allow myself to feel weak. I have to pass my exams, I have to ace them, I have to forget about this loneliness and this burning pain inside my heart. I just… I have to stay strong… but it’s so damn hard…
Didn't want my first post for the year to be like this one, but... just... can't help it... *sighs*
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life
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