Every day begins and ends with some sort of a fight. I can no longer stand my family being around all the time. They are adding so much stress to me right now that I keep on having breakdowns and panic attacks. I can’t sleep properly as I sleep on an uncomfortable couch, or when I’ve taken sleeping pills and I do manage to doze off the family starts walking around without caring that I’m trying to sleep. So for the past three-four weeks, ever since we brought my grandma in this apartment I’ve been studying like crazy, stressing about the family and hardly sleeping at all. It’s not fun. Really it isn’t. Especially taking in mind that I was quite insomniac a few years ago (not that anyone of them noticed back then as they are cold out by 11 in the evening, sleeping peacefully and deeply :/ ).
Anyways… I’m just so tired… Physically, mentally, emotionally. I need a break. I want something to cheer me up. But I don’t know what can do this. A. is in the UK visiting her sister, all my other friends are studying for their exams too, so there’s no time to go out. But to be honest I don’t feel like going out with any of my so called friends. Why? Because they would just complain to me, whine to me about hard life is because they can meet with their SO’s only 6 days a week because they have to work, make money, go on trips with their other friends, and so on. You know… really complaining about nothing serious, causing drama and so on. And they never ask me how I’m doing. They never care how I feel. You know… they just always use me as someone to rant-vent, and I honestly cannot say that they are my friends. So. This is out of question.
I was thinking about buying myself something new - I don’t want clothes because I’m still on that 90-day-diet, even if I’m breaking it from time to time, I’m slowly losing weight. But I don’t really need any new tech gadgets. Not that I have much money to buy a new laptop, or a new cellphone or a new mp3 player. Plus, I’ve never been a fan of buying expensive gadgets (only my laptop is an exclusion, but this was 2years ago and it’s still in perfect condition), mostly because phones get old for a year, I’m not talking to anyone all that much, I’m not texting and so on. Maybe if at some point I get a boyfriend I’ll get a new phone so that it would be more comfortable to talk with him and text with each other… but… yeah… And as for the mp3 players… well, I prefer cheap ones because I usually end up breaking them in my backpack after a few months. And I’d feel horrible if I break some expensive iPod or anything like this.
So I really don’t need or want anything to buy. But I really need a break… from everything and everyone. I can’t wait for my exams to be over so that I can go back to the other city - P., and go back to my bike – I’ll go out every day for sure, just to go as far as possible from everything behind me. But there are two more weeks until then and I don’t really think that it will be enough just to go out and bike, because I’ll be going back to the family. I kind of want to just go on a vacation away from everyone, on my own, but I cannot afford it – don’t have enough savings. I can’t ask from my brother because he’s saving to buy a new apartment for himself (not that he wants to move out as he is mommy’s boy), and I can’t ask my mother either because she would be all ‘Oh, what a great idea, I’ll come with you’… *sighs* And I feel trapped and suffocating because I just can’t get rid of my family… You know… I love them… it’s great that we’re close despite all the fighting, but… seriously… I just can’t stand them anymore and I need a break… I’m 23 and they treat me as if I’m 13. If not younger… :(
Am I not a loser or what??? xDD
Do you like sports? Have you ever thought about why you like a specific sport? I watching the World cup right now – Brazil x Portugal are playing, and I couldn’t help but think about my grandpa. I’ve mentioned before that my grandpa was like a father to me – the father I never really got. He was the one who helped me fix my bike, scolded me when I did crazy things, helped me with my math assignments (he actually did them for me all the way to middle school), and he was the one who got me into football (soccer).
You see, my grandpa had been a right wing back at his twenties, though he had to quit as he started work, got married and so on. But his passion for the game never disappeared and the fire transferred to me. I can remember watching all the World and the European Cups with him, sitting at both ends of the couch, watching the TV and commenting the game. I knew more about football than any other kid my age back then. Unfortunately, I never had much stamina when it came to running around and tackle other kids, so I always ended up being the goalie – and I loved it if I have to be honest. I was quite good, too. I even played as the goal keeper of my high-school’s team. And now, even if I haven’t played for a few years I still get the urge just to go out and kick the ball around…
But this post is not about my passion for the game. It’s about the bittersweet memory of my grandpa. He passed away on 15th August 2006 – on the very same day I got the news that I was accepted in the university of my dreams. But I’m not going to be mourning him right now… I just miss him… I have no one to talk about the World Cup – my brother is not a fan, my grandma and mother… well they understand nothing about the game, and I don’t have a boyfriend or any close friends who are fans, so… I’m just watching the games and smile sadly from time to time, imagining how my grandpa would have reacted to the fouls the players make or the unfair referees…
I just miss him… And I will always remember him whenever I hear or see anything connected to the football world. :)
I’ve been thinking that I’d really want to blog about something interesting, write about interesting stuff so that those who read the blog would find it interesting, but… truth to be told there is nothing interesting in my life to talk about. I’m quite the shut in. I don’t go out all that often – once a week with A., but now I’m studying day and night, so we haven’t gone out for the past 3ish weeks, and she is in the UK to work on her loan for her master’s degree, so… yeah… I’m stuck with talking about how I feel, which is either nervous before the exam, happy/sad after the exam and feeling down and stressed in between exams, my family pissing me off in every possible ways.
I have no life and I’m the one to be blamed for it. I’m too afraid that people would dislike me to actually try to connect with my classmates, plus they are too busy with their own lives, loved ones, jobs and studies, so… it’s not like we have much of time to get to know each other, and during the vacations everyone is going to their hometowns… So yeah… I guess I’m just finding excuses. Yes, I’m that lame.
I just… I don’t know what to talk about… other than my moodswings and my rants, which is getting a bit boring and pathetic. At least I’m letting it out somewhere and not bottling it up, being too afraid to the ones I consider friends and tell them how I feel and why I feel like this...
It just sucks being so insecure and so afraid that you’d disappoint people and that they would hate you for not always being a happy person or not being able to stop your moodswings… I just get an anxiety attack just writing this. If anyone knows a way to fight insecurity, to get over all my fears… please tell me how… please…
Oh man! I love it when all the hard work is paying off. I know I’m overstressing and so on, that I cannot handle the stress and that it only drives me to moodswings, but! It feels so so so SO great when I do well on my exams. I just got an A on my differential geometry exam and I feel so good. I’m just content and happy and proud of myself – there were tons of calculations to be done, tons of formulas to be used and we weren’t allowed to use calculators or any help-sheets or anything. And I did great :] Which is awesome btw because I usually get all ADHD-ish/number-dyslexic when there are too many numbers. But I managed to stay calm (during) the exam, concentrate and do all the problems, theorems and proofs. :]
:]]
Hm… Lately I’ve been depressed. Yeah, I know it’s not a big deal or a surprise or anything like this, because I’m generally feeling down just about every day (but then again that’s how depression work and it’s not easy to control it without medications that are not available over here unless you’re a complete nuts and a danger to yourself and the others, which I’m not, so no antidepressants available to the public). Anyways. Point is that lately I haven’t been able to control it.
I’m studying all day long for my exams, stress is building up, the family is not really cooperating or helping at all – on the contrary, they are a big part of the stress, so usually by the time I’m done with studying and I just want to relax moodswings have already taken over me, throwing me into a self-pity, whiny, attention-wanting condition. And not a lot of people talk to me – I understand them as I’m not a great company as I’m feeling down so often, so they are either just getting annoyed or they just don’t want to get down around me. So, I usually stay on my own, feeling like crap, not daring to IM or PM anyone I know and feel comfortable around and like, because I’m afraid they might get pissed at me for being the way I am and I’d lose them… and I don’t want this to happen…
Thing is that around studying I haven’t been having the time and the brain capacity to write and roleplay, thus my reality escape had been taken away from me, so I can’t just forget about reality and my emotions by projecting them on my characters, living through them, filling the gaps in my heart through my character’s emotions and lives… Yeah, I know… it’s sad, pathetic, but… isn’t this what most writers do? Living through their characters a life they could never have? At least that’s why I’ve been writing for the past thirteen years – ever since I realized that I’m not really a crowd person, one to bend in order to fit in, and that I’ll most probably always be more or less of an outsider.
Funny thing is that even if I’m staying away from people, I’m craving them to come to me. You know… try to break through my walls and shields and just come to me and be there for me, not caring what a ‘horrible’ person I am. But I guess I’m just not worth it (and yeah I know that this is most probably my depressions speaking).
I’ve been watching this one anime the past couple of days and the main character there is… well just the same I was and still am – quiet, insecure, afraid people would hate them, trying to make people like them, but not anyone notices them. Thing is that at some point people start to notice the main character, one falls in love with them, a couple of best friends, a few other friends… and it’s been just so bittersweet watching it… I wish something like this had happened to me… But I still think that no one will ever fall in love with me, that people won’t care enough to reach out their hands and just be there for me without judging me…
I don’t know… I want those stupid exams to be over so that I’ll be able to go back to fully roleplay, to fully forget about reality, to fully live through my characters… because despite how pathetic this is… this is my life… this is the only way I get to exist, be noticed, be loved, hated, cared for… even if the person on the other side doesn’t really gives a damn and is just writing what their character would do or feel or say… Even if it’s just in my imagination, on the paper, in this virtual world… this is the only way I can live…
It feels so good when you do well! :)
My Geometry exam went excellent today… as in… I got an A. xD The problems were hard, but it turned out that I’ve managed to understand everything I needed to solve them. And mind you – I turned in my answers just an hour and a half later, instead of the three hours we had, so the professor’s assistant checked what I’d written and told me that everything is right! ^^ So~ No exam on Monday, which is great because I’ll get to sleep in tomorrow (unless someone wakes me up) and I’m resting now and I’ll be going easy tomorrow~ I just can’t stop smiling right now. I’m exhausted, I hardly slept last night, I studied for 12 hours yesterday, but it feels so damn great!!! :}
And I’m watching the World Soccer Cup and the team I support – South Korea, is having a great match winning over Greece.
As a whole today is one lovely day :]
Well, it’s this time of the year once again. And gosh I hate it so dearly! Whenever I hear ‘June’ or ‘July’ my stomach twists and my heart skips a few painful beats. You wonder why? Well, because over here and especially in my university, final exams last for 4-5-6 weeks even. How does that sound to you? Just ‘lovely’ isn’t it? *sighs* So, it’s already the last week of the semester, during which we won’t really have any lectures, but we’ll pretty much start the final exams session.
Usually we have 2-3 mini exams during the semester that are either some part of the final grade, or if you score above an average of B on both of them, you can free yourself from the practical exam for the class. Each class has two final exams – practical exam, where we write programs, do math problems, and so on, and a theory exam where we write theorems, proofs, definitions, etc. In order to pass the class you have to first to pass the practical exam, then go to the theory and pass it too. If you fail at either, you fail the class.
So… this week I have three exams thanks to which I may have the chance to free myself from the practical exams. So… in a way I don’t have just 6 exams (for 3 classes, I already finished with Databases as I defended the final paper on Friday), but 9 – two practical and one theory per each of the remaining classes.
Needless to say that my stress levels are quite high at this very moment. I hardly sleep, I hardly eat, I can hardly concentrate. My heart is beating so loud that it actually hurts, so does my stomach. Thinking about the upcoming exams is more than enough to make me shake like a leaf. :(
I have exams on the following dates:
The three ‘during-the-semester exams’
8th June – Architectural Modeling and Stimulation of Information Systems (AMSIS)
9th June – Semantics of Programming languages (SPL)
12th June – Differential and Vector Geometry (Geom)
And then the official final exams session starts:
14th June – Geom practical
18th June – Geom theory
28th June – SPL practical
8th July – SPL theory
Ok, so… I’m stressed because of AMSIS and it being the day before the SPL exam, because SPL is the one class I will fail most probably this year – freaking horrible, and the professor is a complete Nazi.
And of course I stress because of Geom as well, because I got a B on the first during-the-semester exam, which was one of the highest grades in the major, so I need another B on the second one in order to free myself from the exam on 14th. And if I don’t free myself on 12th I’ll have only one day to revise for the exam on 14th… so… yeah… I feel like throwing up out of nerves… Heh…
I’ll keep on writing here about the exams and the stress levels around them, mostly because I don’t want to annoy anyone on Elliquiy… I’m still horrified that people would hate me if I let them know I feel like crap for one reason or the other… *sighs*
But at least this year I have my blog and I will keep on pouring it out all here. *hugs my blog and never lets go*
Gh… and now off to the books :x
I closed my eyes for a few moments, tired from the long morning and the exhausting paper defense. Far, far away from here you could hear thunders, dark clouds approaching. And then drop after drop the rain started. It lulled me like a sweet, sweet lullaby and I drifted away...
I don’t know for how long I’ve slept, but I woke up to something I hadn’t heard in a long time. Piano! The melody was soft, tender, reminding me of Mozart and his piano concerts. I smiled in my nap, slowly starting to wake up. The one playing the piano would make mistakes every now and then, stopping and starting all over. And all over. And all over… But instead of annoying, it turned out very interesting listening to it as the melody was becoming faster, clearer, better every time played. Note after note, key after key. The one playing on the other side of the wall kept going until the entire piece was played perfectly...
I laid on the couch, looking out at the sky, watching the leaves of the trees dancing gently blown by the wind as if they were dancing to the music. The rain stopped, the clouds spread and sunbeams lightened the world just as the pianist hit the last few notes. It was a perfect ending of the piece, and a perfect moment…
And just as I had thought it turned out to be Mozart’s Piano Concerto No.21 – Andante – I searched for it as soon as I stirred up. So, here it is the little piece played on the side of the wall. I hop e you all will enjoy it and have a lovely day.
