Izu's World

Every day begins and ends with some sort of a fight. I can no longer stand my family being around all the time. They are adding so much stress to me right now that I keep on having breakdowns and panic attacks. I can’t sleep properly as I sleep on an uncomfortable couch, or when I’ve taken sleeping pills and I do manage to doze off the family starts walking around without caring that I’m trying to sleep. So for the past three-four weeks, ever since we brought my grandma in this apartment I’ve been studying like crazy, stressing about the family and hardly sleeping at all. It’s not fun. Really it isn’t. Especially taking in mind that I was quite insomniac a few years ago (not that anyone of them noticed back then as they are cold out by 11 in the evening, sleeping peacefully and deeply :/ ).

Anyways… I’m just so tired… Physically, mentally, emotionally. I need a break. I want something to cheer me up. But I don’t know what can do this. A. is in the UK visiting her sister, all my other friends are studying for their exams too, so there’s no time to go out. But to be honest I don’t feel like going out with any of my so called friends. Why? Because they would just complain to me, whine to me about hard life is because they can meet with their SO’s only 6 days a week because they have to work, make money, go on trips with their other friends, and so on. You know… really complaining about nothing serious, causing drama and so on. And they never ask me how I’m doing. They never care how I feel. You know… they just always use me as someone to rant-vent, and I honestly cannot say that they are my friends. So. This is out of question.

I was thinking about buying myself something new - I don’t want clothes because I’m still on that 90-day-diet, even if I’m breaking it from time to time, I’m slowly losing weight. But I don’t really need any new tech gadgets. Not that I have much money to buy a new laptop, or a new cellphone or a new mp3 player. Plus, I’ve never been a fan of buying expensive gadgets (only my laptop is an exclusion, but this was 2years ago and it’s still in perfect condition), mostly because phones get old for a year, I’m not talking to anyone all that much, I’m not texting and so on. Maybe if at some point I get a boyfriend I’ll get a new phone so that it would be more comfortable to talk with him and text with each other… but… yeah… And as for the mp3 players… well, I prefer cheap ones because I usually end up breaking them in my backpack after a few months. And I’d feel horrible if I break some expensive iPod or anything like this.

So I really don’t need or want anything to buy. But I really need a break… from everything and everyone. I can’t wait for my exams to be over so that I can go back to the other city - P., and go back to my bike – I’ll go out every day for sure, just to go as far as possible from everything behind me. But there are two more weeks until then and I don’t really think that it will be enough just to go out and bike, because I’ll be going back to the family. I kind of want to just go on a vacation away from everyone, on my own, but I cannot afford it – don’t have enough savings. I can’t ask from my brother because he’s saving to buy a new apartment for himself (not that he wants to move out as he is mommy’s boy), and I can’t ask my mother either because she would be all ‘Oh, what a great idea, I’ll come with you’… *sighs* And I feel trapped and suffocating because I just can’t get rid of my family… You know… I love them… it’s great that we’re close despite all the fighting, but… seriously… I just can’t stand them anymore and I need a break… I’m 23 and they treat me as if I’m 13. If not younger… :(

Am I not a loser or what??? xDD