And once again it’s been a while since I posted here last… There isn’t much to tell. I was lost in the darkness a few weeks back, still am wondering around, trying to find my way out, but it’s hard… Really hard… I realized that there are people around me (online) that who do care, and I feel so thankful to them, but also so ashamed every time I swing back to the darkness – I just feel like I’m betraying their help…
I don’t have much to talk about. Nothing really happened the past few weeks. I’m trying to start study for my state exam in July. I’m trying to keep a diet. I fixed my teeth. I went swimming once, but it got me sick. I went out with the friends from college twice. It was good I suppose. My high school English teacher who was my homeroom teacher for five years passed away last week – kind of shocked us all, because she was so young and no one really knew that she was sick. I’ll remember her forever because she was one of the smartest and nicest people I’ve ever known. And a great teacher.
A. is coming back for a couple of weeks tonight. I guess I’ll be hanging out with her for a while –at least it will get me out of the house a little. She is okay when she is here for a little, so hopefully there won’t be any drama around her this time. And maybe I’ll try to explain to her face-to-face how I feel and think about some things… we’ll see...
Nothing else to tell about...
It’s amazing just how pathetic and stupid one person can be, isn’t it? I can’t stop amazing myself just how lame I am. The more I think about some stuff the more I realize that I deserve everything – being alone, the low selfesteem, the depression, everything. I’m drowning in self-pity and I can’t stop myself. Right now I actually feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe, my heart hurts, I feel lightheaded and dizzy – you know as if someone has really been pushing a pillow against my face or something like this. And it’s all because I’m getting myself worked up. God… and the things I’m getting worked up for… make me feel even more pathetic, which is hard taking in mind just how pathetic I believe I am.
Now… let’s see… I saw a few friends of mine (at least I consider them friends and want them to be my friends) giving advices to someone who felt depressed. They told this someone ‘don’t give up!’, ‘keep fighting’, ‘it will get better’ and so on… you know… things I’ve wanted someone to tell me and to try to make me believe in them… but I don’t… lol… maybe I should have kept this blog on that site because I do feel like an attention whore… only that I’m too scared to actually whore myself for the attention… lol… I don’t know… I’m talking here… I don’t know who bothers to read those crap if anyone does, sometimes people do, but most often is just me refreshing the page to see if someone has commented on here… *shrugs* what I need is to just have someone who would actually talk to me… you know… who would make me talk because when it’s a conversation I freeze. I swallow my tongue, my fingers freeze and so on – I just… can’t say those things face to face, or IM to IM. But I dunno… I guess people have their own problems so they don’t want to listen to me. Or they just don’t want to listen to me. Or they just think that a ‘*hug*’ would make me feel better. It’s stupid. Really. I know it is. But I can’t help it. I need to talk with someone who won’t be just a stupid post-box. It would have been perfect if the blog could reply back to me… but it can’t… and shrinks here… well… you either have to be rich to go to the US/european type of shrink where you just talk and whine to someone and they give you advice, or you have to be a complete nuthouse and to get a psychiatrist in a hospital where you are hospitalized because you’re danger to society. Yeah, my country is one big rural place with understandings from a century ago.
I don’t know… I’m just ranting here because if I don’t I will go crazy. Even if no one reads it and no one cares at least I’ve poured it all out… it would be suffocating me a little less… Someone asked me why I keep on roleplaying as characters who are weak, who need saving… well… it’s because I want to live through what I can’t and don’t get – to be weak, to have someone to talk to me, to help me or at least to try to help me. Yeah, I know I have to help myself. Okay? I know it… but sometimes one needs to be shown that there’s actually a point of trying to help yourself, because honestly, right now I feel so horrible, so down, so pathetic, so pointless, that I don’t see a point at trying to get better. Because I actually do believe that I won’t get better. That I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m sorry. Depression is not rational. It’s not logical. I know what I’m supposed to do, what I should do… but it doesn’t mean I feel like doing it…
I’m having my second anniversary on that one site that I visit tomorrow, but I feel… like I haven’t achieved anything for those two years. Yeah there are tons of people with whom I roleplay, there are some with whom I talk more or less… but as a whole I feel like I haven’t made any good relationships with anyone. I don’t believe that anyone cares if I’m there or not… I’ve seen other people being so close to each other, supporting each other, having petnames for each other, knowing what’s going on in each other’s lives… you know… true friends… and I feel like I haven’t made any like these… I do believe that if I disappear no one will care. Maybe those with whom I roleplay will notice that I haven’t been online, but in the end they will shrug it off and move on. I really feel like I’m a nobody… maybe it’s my fault because I made myself nobody… but it hurts… seeing other people care so much for each other and feeling as if I’m just watching everything from aside. You know… always the viewer but never really going to be part of it. I want to have tons of friends, I want tons of people to talk to me, I just want to talk with anyone… someone… who would listen, talk to me and not judge me… Am I asking for so much?
I know I’m sounding like a damn selfish attention whore… I’m sorry… I know there are people with much worse problems, real problems, than mine. I know most people don’t want to listen to other people’s problems for one or the other reason… but I just.. I don’t know… I just want someone somehow to help me feel like I matter… because right now I really do regret that I ended up throwing up the other day… I wish I had just died you know… maybe it would have been for the better… or I dunno… maybe I should have posted some message somewhere visible saying ‘I’m sick of life, I want to die and I’m thinking of ways to end my life’ so that people would have noticed me…. But I can’t… I can’t… all I can is to whine here where all this might just end unnoticed… which is maybe for the better because I feel like I don’t deserve to be noticed… I should just burn in my own hell, disappear and leave people live their lives without my constant whiny emo self. Lol… I told you I’m pathetic…
Damn… do I feel horrible… So… it’s been… over 48 hours since I last got any sleep. I’ve been crying so much that I no longer have tears left and my eyes hurt even worse than yesterday. On top my head is pounding, my stomach feels horrible and my leg hurts like a bitch.
One thing I found out yesterday – if you’re gonna be drinking whiskey with painkillers make sure you have food in your stomach or otherwise you’ll throw it up in no time and you will fail at doing whatever you were trying to do. Gh… I can’t believe I went there again last night… it’s been like… four years since my last… “failure”… not that I started drinking with the intention of doing anything… I was just in pain… all of me… and I took a painkiller and decided to wash it down with a glass of whiskey… then another painkiller and another glass… and then I just thought… maybe if I finish all my painkillers and the whiskey all the pain was going to be gone… but I was wrong… I think I was at the fifth glass when I got sick and went to the bathroom to throw up everything… Then I got just angry with everything and “dropped” (more like smashed) the bottle on the floor. Then I stepped on it and got a cut on the bottom of my right foot. And the blood freaked me out and I went to the ER… lol… funny thing that they gave me painkillers for the pain too. *sighs* even the doctors didn’t bother to ask how come I got the cut. Just bandaged it up, gave me some shot to not get infected and sent me back home…
I feel simply dead on the inside right now…. I think I lost for good one of my friends yesterday… and I’m sure I might be losing some of my writing partners and friends as well… and I’m sure soon I will lose everyone… I’m really not worth living… And I do deserve nothing but pain… I’m a horrible selfish person…
Oh… lol… aren’t I pathetic? xD
Have you ever cried for *checks time* 20 hours non-stop? God… it fucking hurts. My eyes feel like I’ve poked them with forks and then I’ve twisted the forks inside them. But… whatever… I deserve it for being a pathetic self-pitying moron. Good thing is that I haven’t been able to eat either, so who knows… maybe I’ll lose a pound or two xD
I just… can’t stop myself… The few people I consider to be close to me… I’m pushing them away… and I won’t stop until I’ve made them leave me for good. I know I’m a horrible person… I know, okay?? But I’d rather make them leave then see them leave me on their own ,because they’ve gotten sick of me and my whining and my stupid imaginary problems. I don’t deserve them… And I know that if I cry to them about my “problems” they will feel bad eventually because they have problems of their own… No one wants to be around someone who constantly reminds them about their problems, right? That’s why I’m sure no one really wants me around.
The stupid thing is that even if I’m the one to make them leave, I’m the one to stay offline, block their IMs, their PMs and so on… I’ll still feel and think and believe that they just don’t want me around and that they are just ignoring me. Yeah, I’m that pathetic. I will be seeing them online, I’ll be seeing them talking to other people and I will feel bad because they won’t be talking to me. Like always really. I suppose I’m a possessive bastard who wants everyone to pay attention to me and to always be in the center of attention… Not that it can happen when I’m not talking to anyone… I don’t know… I want my friends… I need them… more than ever… but I can’t stop pushing them away… I don’t want to hurt them… I don’t want to lose them… but I’m terrified to go to anyone directly… I have no right to ask them to be there for me when I’m never there for them… I’m a horrible friend. A horrible person and I deserve to be left alone, to be hated, ignored and eventually to just be forgotten…
And I do know that even if some of them try to be there for me… sooner or later they will give up and leave me… I don’t want to see them leave… so… I know I should be the one to leave… no one would ever care if I’m around after all… no one would miss a fucking depressed moron like me…
Please… don’t read my posts if I’m annoying you or if you find it irritating my constant whining. I have no friends who would listen to me, my family does not care about ‘moods’, depression is not even an illness here… I’m on my own and the only outlet I have is this stupid blog…
Swing, swing, swing~
If there is one reason why I hate my stupid “depression” it’s because it keeps swinging up and down. If I feel great for an hour, then I feel horrible for ten hours. From feeling good I go to feeling miserable. It’s just so freaking annoying. Is it weird that I even wish that I could be just depressed? Because at least I’ll get used to it… you know… won’t have to cope with blow after blow, after blow, after blow… It’s stupid really. Maybe I should check my hormones? I dunno…
I had a rather good day today – I was out with a friend from school, cheering her up because she failed an exam and won’t be able to graduate with us in July. And we had a good time – walked around, talked, decided to even start going swimming together. It’s been all good really… But now that I’m home… I dunno… everything just collapses. I’ve never had a more successful semester (by the looks of it I’ll have six A’s ), and still… I feel like the biggest failure ever.
I don’t know whether it’s the stress of the upcoming graduation, of deciding my future Master’s degree and so on.I don’t know… I feel like crying every time I think about the future. I feel like crying every time I think about the present. I feel lonely. I feel like suffocating. I feel like I’ve fallen in a dark hole and there’s no way out of it. I don’t know. I do know that it’s been years since I’ve been crying myself to sleep just out of some super stupid moodswing.
I want to talk with my friends (my online ones as they are the only ones who would listen to me), yet…. I just can’t. I freak out just at the thought of going to them and talking openly about how bad I feel, because… I don’t have any big problems you know… I’m okay financially at this very moment, I’m okay health-wise. I may not be the prettiest or the fittest or the smartest, but… it’s not fatal either. Yet… I feel so bad about myself that I simply despise myself for being such a lame person. How can I go to my friends and whine to them when they are having real problems? I feel horrible… and thinking about it… I feel even worse. All I want is to just cry on someone’s shoulder and let it all out… Hell! Even here I can’t let it all out. It’s just so dumb…
And yes… I know… my friends are my friends for being here for me… but I don’t want to bother them or annoy them even if they are saying that I wouldn’t do so… I just can’t… I’m panicking just about thinking about going to any of them and talking to them about how I feel… I’m too terrified that I will lose them if I do so. I know that I can be an awfully selfish person when it comes to it… and I feel how I’m slowly pulling away from everyone… I’m no longer going into social threads, I’m hardly talking to anyone from both online and rl friends. I’m not even roleplaying all that much because I get into character and I end up feeling like shit just because I am not my characters… all my characters are loved or are loving someone… and… it just gets me even more down…
I’ll try to throw myself into working on myself now that my exams are over. Working out, going out, even if it’s just on my own… studying for the state exam in July… but right now… really… all I want is to curl into a ball under my blankets in my dark room and cry, cry, cry… I feel so miserable. So pointless. So lonely. So insignificant. So unwanted. Maybe it’s all in my head… I don’t know… but I can’t stop thinking about how if something happens to me – die, disappear, get sick, anything… no one would notice, no one would care… *shrugs* I feel like I’m a no one… I’m a no one…
Once again it’s been a while since I last posted here. To be here there’s nothing to talk about… I had been planning on writing a huge ranting-whining-depressing post just to get everything out of my system… But… Should I? I’ve been thinking a lot about those things lately… Should I complain and whine about all those things all the time? What’s the point? I only end up more upset and nothing changes. I suppose I should just get used to those moodswings and to the fact that it will be a long, long path that I had to walk before I can be truly happy.
What has happened the past month? Well… as I said I’ve had tons of moodswings, mostly due to stress and lack of rest and sleep. I’ve been having exams ever since the last post I made, but… I worked hard. Really hard. And right now I’m on my way to get six A’s in my six classes, which will place me at the top of my major. Quite the success for someone who had once almost got kicked off school for bad grades, no? Five A’s are for sure right now, the last one… well I haven’t finished that one project yet, but… Even if it’s not an A it will be a B. It doesn’t matter… My aim was to get four A’s this semester so that my overall results for the past four years will be above 5.0 (which is above 2.0 UK system which I need in order to be allowed to apply for a Master’s degree there).
Anyways! School is good right now. Great actually. Even if all the stress will eventually be blown out of my system by a huge moodswing – I’m expecting it somewhere after I officially turn in the last project and once I’ve had a couple of days with no studying at all. Doesn’t matter… Stress or no stress… I made it through. This is my last official semester. The second semester I’ll be getting a small scholarship (hardly 50Euro per month – but that’s all that they give us here heh ) and I’ll be preparing for my State exam in July which I have to pass in order to get my diploma.
Otherwise everything is still the same… I’m trying to get closer with the friends from school and I think I’m having a progress – I was on a birthday party last Friday, we go to the movies once a week, we help each other with school… Even if I wish that I lived closer to them and not on the other side of the city… I think I’ll get over it eventually. I may never get super close with them, but… yeah… a little close is something, right?
My panic attacks are still around. Sometimes I get anxious about silly things like someone not talking to me online, but… I’m getting used to it. I’ve been thinking about pulling myself a little from everyone I know online, because I am getting too attached to them and when I get too attached to anyone… they leave me… *shrugs* And I know that I’m often a rather lousy friend with all this constant whining. I would rather not risk over-whine to someone and lose them. I’m always here if they want to talk to me… but I’m trying my best to just not go to them every time I feel like shit. I should learn how to be strong even online. I’ve allowed myself to be myself online, but I’d rather have my strong mask on online the way I have it offline. I can be weak and feeling like shit on my own in my room where no one can see me.
Maybe it’s stupid… but I should learn to cope with everything on my own. Maybe I’m a bit of a pessimist (okay a HUGE one! xD) but… I cannot always count on those around me right? They won’t always be here… Online, offline… people leave. But I will always have myself, right? So… I should learn to be strong for me… If I made it with school stuff, I should be able to do it with my personal stupid dramas as well. I’m sure that if I put my determination into it eventually I will just… I dunno… stop being the way I am… because I do not like the way I am…
We’ll see… Once the exams are over I’ll start working on myself… Heh… God… this post turned into a complete randomness once again. But yeah… I’m trying to say everything that has been on my mind for the past month, and it’s really not turning out all that good x’D
I dunno… right now I feel like I’m walking on a really thin thread somewhere between a deep depression and getting out of it… I dunno… I still feel insignificant, invisible, lame, lonely, etc. etc. etc… But at the same time I’m proud of myself for my results at school and for the small progress with the friends from my major… I dunno… I’ll try to post more often here, posting everything once again – bad, good, worse, better… etc… I need to let it all out every now and then even if there’s no point… Even if I end up feeling worse after I do so… at least one day I can look back at those silly posts and see how silly I’ve been. Heh. I dunno… I’m rambling… And yeah, I do realize that I’m repeating myself and that I’m contradicting myself… I dunno… heh… I’m just tired of being the way I am…
P.S.
Oh... hah... not even 5 minutes since I've finished this post and the moodswing begins. Thank you, A., for bringing up my master-wanna-be-degree in the UK. I do not have the money. I will most probably won't be able to go there at all. SHUT UP!!!!
Well, it’s the new year already, lived a bit in it and… nothing has changed really. Lectures are over now, but the exams have already started, so I’m studying day and night. The next one is on 31st and it’s going to be the hardest one, so… yeah… I guess it’s needless to say that my stress levels are quite high right now. Especially now that I’m actually trying to get high grades and not just pass… Even if I don’t have much chances of continuing my education in England… I’d still rather try, you know… We’ll see…
Other things… well, I’ve been having anxiety attacks the past few weeks. One got quite bad and I even ended up in ER with dangerously high blood pressure and heart rate. I freaked out and thought that I was going to die (and the doctor telling me that I could have died didn’t really help me calm down), but I was okay and I now have a handful of medications in case I get a panic attack like this one again, so I should be safe. And my panic attacks have been much milder since I started drinking this one medication for the nerves. But unfortunately the anxiety is not completely gone…
I don’t know whether it will ever be gone. I’m trying to get over it, to get over the depression, the moodswings and so on. But it’s hard. Especially now that I’m quite stressed around the finals – it’s getting hard to keep those under control. And right now I’m sick – got the flu and feeling quite down because of it as well. The problems with my sleep remain… I dunno all this put together and they make me feel in ways I don’t want to feel.
But right now I’m trying to stay concentrated on the exams and not let my depression take over me. I cannot allow myself to feel weak. I have to pass my exams, I have to ace them, I have to forget about this loneliness and this burning pain inside my heart. I just… I have to stay strong… but it’s so damn hard…
Didn't want my first post for the year to be like this one, but... just... can't help it... *sighs*
