And once again it’s been a while since I posted here last… There isn’t much to tell. I was lost in the darkness a few weeks back, still am wondering around, trying to find my way out, but it’s hard… Really hard… I realized that there are people around me (online) that who do care, and I feel so thankful to them, but also so ashamed every time I swing back to the darkness – I just feel like I’m betraying their help…
I don’t have much to talk about. Nothing really happened the past few weeks. I’m trying to start study for my state exam in July. I’m trying to keep a diet. I fixed my teeth. I went swimming once, but it got me sick. I went out with the friends from college twice. It was good I suppose. My high school English teacher who was my homeroom teacher for five years passed away last week – kind of shocked us all, because she was so young and no one really knew that she was sick. I’ll remember her forever because she was one of the smartest and nicest people I’ve ever known. And a great teacher.
A. is coming back for a couple of weeks tonight. I guess I’ll be hanging out with her for a while –at least it will get me out of the house a little. She is okay when she is here for a little, so hopefully there won’t be any drama around her this time. And maybe I’ll try to explain to her face-to-face how I feel and think about some things… we’ll see...
Nothing else to tell about...
It’s amazing just how pathetic and stupid one person can be, isn’t it? I can’t stop amazing myself just how lame I am. The more I think about some stuff the more I realize that I deserve everything – being alone, the low selfesteem, the depression, everything. I’m drowning in self-pity and I can’t stop myself. Right now I actually feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe, my heart hurts, I feel lightheaded and dizzy – you know as if someone has really been pushing a pillow against my face or something like this. And it’s all because I’m getting myself worked up. God… and the things I’m getting worked up for… make me feel even more pathetic, which is hard taking in mind just how pathetic I believe I am.
Now… let’s see… I saw a few friends of mine (at least I consider them friends and want them to be my friends) giving advices to someone who felt depressed. They told this someone ‘don’t give up!’, ‘keep fighting’, ‘it will get better’ and so on… you know… things I’ve wanted someone to tell me and to try to make me believe in them… but I don’t… lol… maybe I should have kept this blog on that site because I do feel like an attention whore… only that I’m too scared to actually whore myself for the attention… lol… I don’t know… I’m talking here… I don’t know who bothers to read those crap if anyone does, sometimes people do, but most often is just me refreshing the page to see if someone has commented on here… *shrugs* what I need is to just have someone who would actually talk to me… you know… who would make me talk because when it’s a conversation I freeze. I swallow my tongue, my fingers freeze and so on – I just… can’t say those things face to face, or IM to IM. But I dunno… I guess people have their own problems so they don’t want to listen to me. Or they just don’t want to listen to me. Or they just think that a ‘*hug*’ would make me feel better. It’s stupid. Really. I know it is. But I can’t help it. I need to talk with someone who won’t be just a stupid post-box. It would have been perfect if the blog could reply back to me… but it can’t… and shrinks here… well… you either have to be rich to go to the US/european type of shrink where you just talk and whine to someone and they give you advice, or you have to be a complete nuthouse and to get a psychiatrist in a hospital where you are hospitalized because you’re danger to society. Yeah, my country is one big rural place with understandings from a century ago.
I don’t know… I’m just ranting here because if I don’t I will go crazy. Even if no one reads it and no one cares at least I’ve poured it all out… it would be suffocating me a little less… Someone asked me why I keep on roleplaying as characters who are weak, who need saving… well… it’s because I want to live through what I can’t and don’t get – to be weak, to have someone to talk to me, to help me or at least to try to help me. Yeah, I know I have to help myself. Okay? I know it… but sometimes one needs to be shown that there’s actually a point of trying to help yourself, because honestly, right now I feel so horrible, so down, so pathetic, so pointless, that I don’t see a point at trying to get better. Because I actually do believe that I won’t get better. That I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m sorry. Depression is not rational. It’s not logical. I know what I’m supposed to do, what I should do… but it doesn’t mean I feel like doing it…
I’m having my second anniversary on that one site that I visit tomorrow, but I feel… like I haven’t achieved anything for those two years. Yeah there are tons of people with whom I roleplay, there are some with whom I talk more or less… but as a whole I feel like I haven’t made any good relationships with anyone. I don’t believe that anyone cares if I’m there or not… I’ve seen other people being so close to each other, supporting each other, having petnames for each other, knowing what’s going on in each other’s lives… you know… true friends… and I feel like I haven’t made any like these… I do believe that if I disappear no one will care. Maybe those with whom I roleplay will notice that I haven’t been online, but in the end they will shrug it off and move on. I really feel like I’m a nobody… maybe it’s my fault because I made myself nobody… but it hurts… seeing other people care so much for each other and feeling as if I’m just watching everything from aside. You know… always the viewer but never really going to be part of it. I want to have tons of friends, I want tons of people to talk to me, I just want to talk with anyone… someone… who would listen, talk to me and not judge me… Am I asking for so much?
I know I’m sounding like a damn selfish attention whore… I’m sorry… I know there are people with much worse problems, real problems, than mine. I know most people don’t want to listen to other people’s problems for one or the other reason… but I just.. I don’t know… I just want someone somehow to help me feel like I matter… because right now I really do regret that I ended up throwing up the other day… I wish I had just died you know… maybe it would have been for the better… or I dunno… maybe I should have posted some message somewhere visible saying ‘I’m sick of life, I want to die and I’m thinking of ways to end my life’ so that people would have noticed me…. But I can’t… I can’t… all I can is to whine here where all this might just end unnoticed… which is maybe for the better because I feel like I don’t deserve to be noticed… I should just burn in my own hell, disappear and leave people live their lives without my constant whiny emo self. Lol… I told you I’m pathetic…
Damn… do I feel horrible… So… it’s been… over 48 hours since I last got any sleep. I’ve been crying so much that I no longer have tears left and my eyes hurt even worse than yesterday. On top my head is pounding, my stomach feels horrible and my leg hurts like a bitch.
One thing I found out yesterday – if you’re gonna be drinking whiskey with painkillers make sure you have food in your stomach or otherwise you’ll throw it up in no time and you will fail at doing whatever you were trying to do. Gh… I can’t believe I went there again last night… it’s been like… four years since my last… “failure”… not that I started drinking with the intention of doing anything… I was just in pain… all of me… and I took a painkiller and decided to wash it down with a glass of whiskey… then another painkiller and another glass… and then I just thought… maybe if I finish all my painkillers and the whiskey all the pain was going to be gone… but I was wrong… I think I was at the fifth glass when I got sick and went to the bathroom to throw up everything… Then I got just angry with everything and “dropped” (more like smashed) the bottle on the floor. Then I stepped on it and got a cut on the bottom of my right foot. And the blood freaked me out and I went to the ER… lol… funny thing that they gave me painkillers for the pain too. *sighs* even the doctors didn’t bother to ask how come I got the cut. Just bandaged it up, gave me some shot to not get infected and sent me back home…
I feel simply dead on the inside right now…. I think I lost for good one of my friends yesterday… and I’m sure I might be losing some of my writing partners and friends as well… and I’m sure soon I will lose everyone… I’m really not worth living… And I do deserve nothing but pain… I’m a horrible selfish person…
