Izu's World

Well, it’s been a while since I last posted here. It was a rather busy period for me with all the midterms and projects that I had to finish – needless to say I was quite stressed. There were a few things that happened the past couple of months that I would like to talk about, just because I’d like to remember those things at the end of the year. Some were good, some were bad, but as a whole I think this post won’t be too filled with rants. xD



~About my midterm exams and my projects~

Those went quite well… Excellent actually (literally) – I got all A’s on the midterm exams, which of course was thanks to me studying 3-4 days for over 12 hours like crazy, but… I made it! My projects all got top grades too, which is great, because the projects combined with the midterms will help me free myself from my finals and of course I will graduate with either A’s or B’s. Though it’s still early to celebrate this – starting 11th January I’ll have quite a few tests and projects before the finals, so… we’ll see what happens. But I do feel confident right now that I’ll get good grades once again… And who knows… maybe getting my MSc degree in London won’t be just a dream…

~About my “friends”~

Well… the drama around them is 24/7, but lately I’ve caught myself that I no longer care and that I can actually just let their stupid words pass me by without affecting me or hurting me. You all know about A. and V. and what terrible friends they have been to me. A. is slowly starting to get it that her ranting is not only annoying but sometimes offending and we’ve talked about those things too, so I think there’s some sort of hope for her. Maybe her being alone in the UK without having much friends, having to work and study hard did remind her that she has to grow up and start bitching about little stupid and annoying things. But V. . . . god… V. is someone I now not only don’t consider a friend, but I actually mock her. She is a stupid, childish bitch. She has little to no brain, little to no consideration for others. She wants everyone to respect her, agree with her, do what she wants, how she wants it, but god help you if you dare to disagree with her. She didn’t talk to me for two weeks after saying that the movie she loves is kind of dumb and clichéd. -_-‘ I now only LOL at her. And maybe I’m turning into a bitch too because I’ve caught myself loving to provoke her and see her go all angry and throwing tantrums because of something I said or did. And the best part? She rants it all to A. and A. copy-pastes it all too me, so I do know all the (false) things V. says about me, trying to make me sound like an even more horrible person. *shrugs* But as I said… maybe I grew up because this no longer hurts me or disappoints me, and it just makes me feel stronger, smarter and better than them. And it’s a good feeling.

~About my college friends~

I’ve finally managed to start getting closer to my friends from college. We hang out together in between lectures, go to the cinema together, go ice skating together, we talk on Skype and Facebook all the time… It’s great. :] We went on a 3-day long trip together and it was damn fun. I got to know most of them even better, we had fun, partied, drunk, danced… it was great really. Only bad thing is that I broke a friend’s camera (dropped it while taking a picture), but the good thing is that I actually panicked in front of them… that hasn’t happened to me before – to let my confident and cool mask slip off in front of people… so they saw me being worried and scared and they tried to calm me down and we got even closer. And I did fix the camera once we were back home and that friend was so happy and touched that now we’re talking all the time. :] I was even invited to spend New Years with them, but they didn’t reserve tables on time for the place we wanted to go, so… it is not happening :[
But still~ I’m happy I’m on better terms with all of them :]

~About my online friends~

Well… for once I got the nerve (thanks to Marg reassuring me that I will be okay <3) to enter one of the socializing threads on E. I still get quite nervous and anxious every time there are more than 2-3 people there, but I’m trying to stay calm – sometimes I manage, sometimes I don’t, but at least I’m trying. And I do get to talk to people more than I have ever done before…

And the best thing is that I found a new friend, who for the past two weeks pretty much saw the worst of my moodswings, but he is still there for me, still is talking to me and is still trying to make me believe that I’m better than I say I am (I still disagree with him on this matter). To be honest I’m happy that I met him and that we started talking, because he was part of the reason why I didn’t get huge moodswings during this holiday’s season. And it does feel good to see how you get one more friend, who is there for you no matter what. *smiles* Thank you, Cap. Your friendship means a lot to me. <3

~About my old classmates~

We had a class reunion on 28th December and it was quite nice to see all my classmates once again. I do see just about half of them regularly as we live nearby each other or we do go out together sometimes, but there were some people I hadn’t seen for years. Well, it was fun and I did enjoy it greatly (plus everyone noticed just how much weight I’ve lost for the past couple of years and were like WOW, Izu! *grins*) and I did get soooo drunk ~o~ And when I got home I couldn’t help but feel that pain inside my chest about all the ‘what ifs’ and all the missed chances in the past. I could have gotten closer to those people, I could have become a part of their group, I could have had a better social life at high-school… A lot of ‘could haves’… so it did get me down… badly… but… with the hangover on the next day I got over it… I try keeping telling myself that if I hadn’t had the past I’ve had I wouldn’t have become the person I am right now… and to be honest… I do like myself… I might be insecure, but when the times need me to I can be confident and strong. I don’t let people see me hurt even when they’ve hurt me badly… maybe it’s just my pride, but I’d rather have them think that I’m so strong that I cannot be hurt than let them see me upset… I’m upset only home alone away from everyone… *shrugs* Don’t know if it’s good or bad or even stupid, but… that’s how I am and that’s what my past made into. I don’t regret it… well… partially I do, but only when I’m drunk x’D

~About myself~

As you can already tell the past few months I’ve been both bad and well, happy and sad, insecure and confident. But as the last hours of 2010 roll away I can tell you that I’m at peace… even if I do feel a bit lonely and I’m a bit sad that I’ll meet yet another new year on my bed… but… I’ll be okay. I know that much. After all… isn’t it more important that even when life puts me down, something bad trips me down, that I do get up, brush the dust away and try to move on… even if I’m a bit limping at times.

I will be okay. :]

Gosh… It’s already November! I can’t believe just how quickly time flies. It’s scaring me actually… I feel like it was yesterday when the summer started, and now I’m not only back at school, but I’m already having my midterms, being assigned my final projects and so on, and so on. And I’m quite sure that before I know it will already be the end of the semester. My last semester at university. The second semester is going to be free – to prepare for the big state exam in June/July with which I’ll graduate. And I’m sure that it will come extremely fast as well.

But have you ever felt as if time is both going extremely quickly and extremely slow? I simply can’t explain it… It passes quickly, but at this very moment it feels like… it has just stopped. I’m studying for my midterms, which really stresses me, so I guess this is part of the reason. But truth to be told I still feel as if I’ve frozen in space and time and everything and everyone just passes me by, as if I don’t exist. I don’t know… I just feel lost I guess…

I know that all I’m writing in this blog is ‘blah-blah-blah’ – pointless rants, but… I can’t help it. If I don’t pour it all out somewhere, I’ll end up bottling it in and in the end I will break. I don’t want to break. Not this year. Because this year will be the most important in my life – graduating, then Master’s degree (hopefully abroad). And yeah, I know I’m talking about school only, but trust me if I don’t do well at school I will end up extremely depressed and I will most definitely not like myself any better. I just… Wish that time could either stop for good and my state exam never comes or it will skip until the day after that big exam. Heh… I’m already stressing for something that will happen in over half an year ahead. >.<

Mh… This post turned out quite pointless, like most of my posts x’D –sighs- Well, hopefully once the stupid midterms are over I will have something better to write about. :]

This is yet another pointless post, but I just need to rant it all out before it turns into something worse than just ranting and whining. So… bear with me…

The past week or so I’ve been feeling quite down. My diet is not going as fast as I wish and even if I know that it’s healthier and better to lose weight at a slower pace, I just want to be done with it and to have the body I’ve always dreamed about. And even if some people are saying that I’ve lost weight, I still feel like the ugly fatty and it makes me just step away from everyone and everything… which sucks because I want a social life and I want to have friends and I want to find someone to like me… but this won’t happen until I don’t put myself out in the world.

And it totally sucks, because all my friends from college live in the so called ‘Students City’ where are all the dorms of all the universities in the capital, and it’s far from my neighborhood (pretty much on the other side of the city) and I in no way can go out with them because 1. I don’t have a car, 2. buses don’t go around past 11pm, 3. I spent all my free days in another city where my grandma lives to help her, so… I’m just watching them from away… Like yesterday I almost started crying when this one guy asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema with them and then hit the clubs – which I’d have totally loved to do, but they are in S-city and I’m currently in P-city where my grandma lives… It’s… just not fair… When will I get to live? When will I get to make friends? How on earth am I going to meet anyone when I’m home 24/7?

I’m actually dreaming of graduating and starting work – which people usually define as the end of the fun and carefree years, but to me it will be the beginning of those years. It just really gets me down realizing that the best years of my life I’m spending home, playing the good kid… And I just wished that my family understood me and didn’t play the guilt trip card every single day. ‘How come you won’t go? Your grandma needs you! She raised you!’, ‘How come you’ll be late? We have to go to bed early, we work, we support you – and you want us to stay up worrying or waking us up when you come back?’ – that’s what my brother and mother tell me whenever I say something about going out. I feel like I’m 13 and not 23… it just sucks so much that my family are such control freaks. They are suffocating me…

But I know that without them I won’t make it… My school is so tough that if you work it’s highly possible you won’t get to pass your classes. So I can’t make a living on my own and move out, mostly because it’s so damn expensive to live on my own… And my mother, after promising to get a loan for me and help me study in the UK for a master’s degree (a loan that I was going to pay her back as soon as I got a job), is now telling me that she will not take one because she has to help my brother get an apartment and she doesn’t want me to leave the country. What?? I did ask her whether she wants to trap me and chain me to this crappy country, killing all the potential I’ve got, because here there’s no way to get what I could have got in the UK… So she killed my dreams…

And even if I had wanted to study super hard to get the needed marks to get accepted, I now have no motivation, no desire… I feel just like I had felt back in my first year at uni – I just saw no point in what I was doing, I felt like just disappearing, like there was no point in living at all… I needed a whole year to get out of that depression and now I’m feeling how I’m slipping back in it and it terrifies me…

I have no friends (irl) who would listen to me… A. never asks how I’m doing, never lets me speak or rant about my problems. The moment I mention something that someone from the family pissed me off or upset me, she would start talking about her family, her problems, that super duper funny picture she found on DA or that funny video on youtube and she’ll speak for hours and hours…

Maybe that’s why I don’t like it when people talk too much… every time someone starts talking to me (mind you, talking to me on some sort of a messenger – people rarely talk to me offline) and they start talking a lot, like telling me a story or telling me tons of info without really leading a conversation – like they ask something, I reply, they reply back, I feel like suffocating… I know it’s childish, it’s maybe even selfish, but I don’t want to know! I don’t want to hear! I want someone to talk WITH me, not talk TO me… I just wish that someone could care about what I had to say, need to say… only that I’m terrified of actually talking to those people who I know would have cared, because I’m scared that they will get sick of me or maybe they would be busy or I dunno… I guess I’m just fucked up…

Well… I haven’t updated in a while, so I decided it was about time this to change. The past couple of weeks had been quite busy and stressful on me, but… I’m surviving more or less. I still feel somewhat lost and down when I think about the future or about my current life. I still get those freakish nightmares that keep me from getting any reset. I still get panic attacks out of nowhere. Pretty much I gotten out of the hole that I’ve fallen into. But at least my semester started, so classes will be keeping me busy and won’t give me much time to get moodswings.

I did quite a bit of shopping, spending tons of my savings mostly on clothes… Well, only on clothes. I’ve lost about 10-15 pounds since the last fall-winter, so I had just about no clothes for those seasons. And it did make me feel a bit better – I guess people are right when they say that shopping sprees are a great therapy. I got a couple of new pairs of jeans, three sweaters, seven t-shirts, four long-sleeved shirts, some scarves and hats, all I need to find is a new winter jacket and maybe a new pair of winter shoes, but I couldn’t find anything nice or warm enough. But I tried to buy clothes in light and bright colors to give my mood a bit of a boost up and I’m really enjoying dressing up for school every morning (especially because some of my friends there noticed that I’ve lost weight over summer!).

The first week back at classes kicked my ass quite badly though. I was at school for four days from 8-9am to 7-8-9pm – I just had to visit tons of elective classes in order to choose those that will be most interesting and easiest to me as I want to get good grades at the end. But my obligatory classes seems quite tough or at least the professors and the assistants made them sound like this mostly because they turned out to be lecturing quite badly -_- I just hope that I’m just overstressing for the classes and that they will turn out easier than I expect. But I do know that I’ll have to study harder this semester if I want to get that 5.0 (equals to a ‘B’ or a 2:1 in the UK) that I need in order to have the chance to apply to do my master degree in London.

Mm… what else… We’re still looking for an apartment for my brother. They almost made a deal on one, but at the last moment the condo was sold to someone else. Then we found another one, but my brother is a bit paranoid now -_-‘ We’re going to take a look at some new condos on Monday, but I’m no longer opening my mouth because every time I tell my brother and mother my opinion I end up being accused and told to shut up because I knew nothing. *rolls eyes* Their money, my brother’s place – none of my business.

Mm… also the weather went nuts. From 25C it went to 5-10C over a couple of days. :/ It kept raining for almost 5 days and even though it finally stopped yesterday it got only colder. And I got a cold – my throat hurts, I feel dizzy and just kinda weak – not fun. But I’m taking tons of meds so I should be okay by Monday. I hope so…

A.’s busy with her classes, so we don’t talk all that much now, though of course the two times we got to speak the past couple of weeks was her whining about how boring her life is, how horrible her ex is, how fake people are around and so on, and so on. -_-‘ V. is not better either, though she talks to me almost never (for which I’m so very thankful, because she is just a horrible person – way worse than A.).

I’m trying to get closer with my friends from class – I hang around with them on our free periods, had lunch with them three times this week and I went to the cinema with one of them on Wednesday after deciding to skip one boring lecture. Though I’m quite nervous every time I open skype to write to any of them – thank god that I am good at acting so none of them really knows just how insecure I am… I dunno… I just want to have fun and not overthink things. I’m still learning how to do those things…

Mm... I dunno… nothing else happened in my life the past couple of weeks. My muse is still a bitch so even roleplaying is slow now. I guess I will write another entry tomorrow because I started my last year at school, so I just want it to have its own mentioning in the blog. *shrugs* My life is rather boring and not much happens, so… yeah x’D Sorry for wasting your time with those lame posts (if anyone’s reading it that is xD ).

The past couple of weeks had been quite… I dunno… weird? I don’t know what to write here right now as I feel kind of lost and confused. I’m still having tons of nightmares every night. I hardly sleep. I feel tired most of the time, my head hurts just about all day long. And I feel like getting anxiety attacks every other night. Then again at the same time there are moments when I feel just great… I read this book ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’ and it helps me a lot – it’s the first self-help book that I’ve read – A. gave it to me – her sister gave it to her. It made me feel much better about some things, I’m trying to think more positively about life and I do feel somewhat better… but only for a while.

My moodswings are getting so drastic that one moment I may feel like the most optimistic and happy person and in the next moment I feel like crying out of self-pity. It’s just… gh… I dunno…pathetic. I regret about so many things in my past, but I know I can’t chase those things. I can take care to not do the same mistakes in the future, but at the same time I don’t have the guts to change those stuff about me. I feel like life is passing by me and I’m not taking any part in it and I have no idea how to actually start living. I want to have more friends, I want to go out, I want to have a social life, I want to find someone, go on a date, just fool around with anyone… but I don’t know how to do any of those things.

I’ve found my safe niche in the world – in my room, alone, and I’ve locked myself there. It’s not helping that my family thinks that being home all the time is normal and that whenever I am going out they act as if I’m 10 and I’ve stated that I’m going out clubbing to have sex with strangers and do drugs. -_- It’s just that they are suffocating the tiniest bits of guts that I have to step out in the world… I dunno… I just feel petrified… I know I’m too scared to get hurt, abandoned, ignored… so I’m ‘protecting’ myself by staying home alone…

I dunno… I know that I need help, but there is no one around me to offer help. A. left for the UK (which kind of relieved tons of my stress levels caused by her), V. is someone I do not even consider a friend, plus they both used me as a punching bag and someone to whine to without ever caring for me, so… it’s not like I’d ever go to them for help :/ So… I’m pretty much on my own… and I have no idea how to make the first step…

Of course my insecurity is not helping at all – there are times when I feel like the ugliest person in the whole universe, I don’t like my body, my hair, my face, nothing… so feeling quite insecure about those things doesn’t really give me the guts to go out among people. I just freak out before going out and I just end up staying home… I don’t know what to do… or how to do it… Gh… this is just so stupid, you know…

For now all I can think about is going to my classes regularly once they start next Monday, maybe try to bond with my classmates from university… but other than that I have no idea what else to do. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know… but keep in mind that my country is so very different than the US or the rest of the developed world. Going out clubbing, online dating, things like this are out of question because of just how dangerous it could be over here…

Help?

My friends… Lol.. I don’t even know if I can call them ‘friends’ at all, because really… they have never acted like they are friends of mine. But let me tell you about them… The four of us used to be incredibly close. At least I thought so. I’ve never talked to them about my problems, about my depression, moodswings, fears, etc. I know that it’s my fault that I never opened up to them… but it’s not like they’ve ever asked me how I am or how I feel. It has always been like I’m their friend, but they are not my friends in return.

I passed through a horrible depression back during the first year of university. I had to take a year off afterwards in order to pass my exams because I had failed them all – depression leading to me not studying or going to classes, insomnia keeping me awake for days until I’d collapse. But… they didn’t notice… The few times I tried to let them know just how horrible I felt, how I felt like there was no point in keeping on living… do you know what they said? They laughed at me. They called me an ‘emo’ in a joking tone and they didn’t even bother to ask why I felt that way… But they continued to rant about their ‘problems’. And they were no problems. A. was always whining (still is) about her first boyfriend from college who after they broke up and moved back to his country stopped talking to her – and even today, six years later, she is obsessed with him. V. was always talking about how shitty their life is - a lovely boyfriend, a straight A student, a mother who pays for everything… poor V really -_- *insert sarcasm here* and M… well M got into yoga and dzen and went all preachy about how great life is, telling me to shut up with my emoness and stop being such an attention whore…

So I stopped. For a year I deleted all my IMs. I stopped talking to them. They didn’t even try to call me or get in touch with me – such great friends they were. You have no idea just how many times I thought about killing myself back then… but I never even tried… My mind went to darkest of places and I felt as lonely as never… And then I realized that no one would ever care about me, so I should just stop caring about no one caring… And I got myself out of the depression – I returned to school, I managed to start a few friendships there, I started dieting, losing weight, taking care of myself. And when I went back on skype to talk with A, M and V… they were like ‘LOL so you grew up and stopped being emo, let me tell you about MY problems’ and they keep on doing it until this very day. Well… except for M – M is still that crazily optimistic, but I hardly talk to M anymore.. so yeah…

But A. and V. … they only whine. About having no job, when they do not even seek one. About their families being horrible for telling them to get a job. About A’s ex boyfriends who no longer talk to her (imagine that *rolls eyes* ), about V’s boyfriend who is with V for a 3rd if not 4th year, standing V despite all of V’s crap. About each other being horrible people, always talking about each other’s backs, but whenever I dare to say that they are the same they go all bitchy on me… So I pretty much stopped reading what they write and developed the skill to not listen when they talk. It’s the same stuff all over again… They are the center of the world. They hate people who talk about their problems, who talk about themselves, who want a bit of attention when they need attention, but if anyone dares to not pay attention to them, not listen to them… they flip. :/ Really… They are selfish. I know it. I’m already used to the thought that they would never be real friends to me. And even if they claim that they care about me, they never show it. If I feel down, they don’t ask why, they just laugh at me, call me an emo and go on talking about their “problems”. But if I dare to say anything about it like… shut up or just say that I’m going off or watching a movie to have them shut up – I immediately turn into a horrible cold hearted person. Double standards much?

But I’m used to that… and I’m really trying to stop listening to them at all. The last drop was a couple of weeks ago when we sent M away – M is going to study in Austria for a year. I told you about it… When they laughed at me and told that I’d never find anyone to love me. And they were actually serious.

Last night as well… we were having coffee – just me, A and V. And they started whining about how they will never find a job (they are still not looking, mind you). And when I mentioned that they have to seek in order to find one, they turned on me bitching about how I knew nothing about life, how only people with connections got jobs, how I’d have it easy because I chose my major… And all I could do is roll my eyes and think how dumb they are. Really… for the past four years they have always bitched about how many job opportunities I’ll have because of my major – Computer Science and Programming… It’s not my fault that they didn’t think when they applied to university -_- A. graduated some English literature major, which could be nice if she went for it and tried to get a job at a paper or a magazine, though she would have to start as an assistant, which she doesn’t want. She wants to get the best possible job – maybe like a head editor of the most sold newspaper in the world, but without working her way up. *rolls eyes* And V… V. got in a Romanian language major and can work now as a translator, but V doesn’t want to work as one because they are not paid well over here -_-‘ It’s really not my fault that four years ago I spent my senior year at high-school thinking about the future, trying to find something that I’m interested in, something that will keep me interested and something that will be useful, well-paid and needed even in 5, 10 or 20 years. Though in their eyes I’m a bitch for it.

God… I guess I’m starting to repeat myself… but I really can’t stand them anymore. I’ve decided to commit myself this year on working on myself so that I’d start liking myself and on getting closer to the friends from university… I know that it’s childish, but I want to find a great partner, a great job and succeed in life, so that I’ll just get to shove it in their faces. :/

And, sorry for whining over and over about those things. But as you can see my real life “friends” are not there for me whenever I need them, which is really not helping with my opening-up-issues or my crawling depression that is trying to get to me. I feel lonely, I feel tired, I feel like I just want to get away from them and from everyone around me… And I have only you – strangers on the internet, people living thousands of miles away from me, and just by reading those stupid posts of mine it already makes you much better friends than A. and V.

And I need those blog posts because if I don’t let everything out, despite how stupid it is, I will go crazy… I will let the darkness embrace me once again… And I don’t want to lose myself to depression once again. So I’m trying to fight… even when I’m feeling helpless and useless… even when I think that A. and V. are right and I will stay alone forever… I’m not going to let them bring me down… I’m not going to drown in my bottled up feelings and fears again… I’m going to write here, I’m going to rant, whine and ramble here just to stay sane… And hell! I’ll prove them wrong!

Dreams… Do you have them? Do you remember them when you wake up? Are they realistic? Colorful or black and white? Are you yourself there or someone else?...

Lately I’ve been having some too realistic dreams. Dreams that in the morning have my heart racing, I’m staring up at the ceiling, fingers clutching on my sheets, unable to figure out if what had just happened was real or it had been a dream. Needless to say that my dreams are not nice ones… even the ones that seem to be peaceful and just lovely usually end up having me feel like crap…

The nightmares usually start with some sort of a war… Always… It’s winter, it’s snowing. The streets are covered in muddy snow, corpses. I’m in the military, some sort of a captain I believe. I have a rifle on my shoulder and I’m waking quickly down the street, looking around hectically, searching a specific someone among the dead people. And then I see him. I run to the person I’ve been looking for – a man. I can see his face clearly despite the drying blood on his face – he is handsome, maybe a year or two older than I am, dark hair, dark eyes. He is still alive, but I know that it won’t be for a long. I start crying as I search for the wound on his chest, tearing his shirt apart to find the bullet hole near his heart. I place my cold hands over it and I can feel how his warm blood soaks my palms. I plead him to stay awake, to not leave me, but all he does is to reach out and touch my cheek with a bloody hand before he lets go of his last breath and his eyes close forever…

Usually the nightmare continues with me trying to kill everyone, shooting like crazy. I end up in some building cornered by the enemies, having no more bullets, knowing that my life will end quite soon. I look out of the window and I see the leader of the enemies’ troops… And it’s that man whom I thought died in my arms… He is alive. My heart stops for a moment and without thinking I rush out. And next thing I know is that I’m on my knees, guns pointed at my head. I watch him as he comes closer, a cold smirk over his face. I stutter out ‘But how? You died…’ and he replies that he was saved and not left to die like I left him. I try to explain that I thought that he was dead, that I love him, but he only laughs and point his gun at my head. ‘I never loved you. How could I love someone like you? No one will ever love you.’ He says and he pulls the trigger…

…And I wake up, looking up at the ceiling, my heart hurting. I feel like crying, I feel like I’m suffocating, I feel betrayed and as lonely as never before.

And this dream reoccurs every single night. Sometimes it’s a bit different – different place, different scenario, but it always ends like this. I know that it’s just because I can’t stop thinking about how no one will ever love me and my subconscious is playing me tricks by giving me those dreams, but… they are just so realistic… As if they are glimpses from some dark future that I cannot escape from. And really… they are making me feel worse than ever… I can’t stop feeling what I felt during those dreams, after I woke up… And just those feelings of loneliness, of heartbreaking pain, of sadness don’t leave me all day long until I go to bed to have another one of those dreams…

Isn’t it pathetic? I want to be loved so badly, but I think so bad of myself that even in my dreams the love of my life laughs at me, tells me that he never loved me and kills me… And to be honest… I’m starting to really believe that no one will ever like me… not to mention love me…

I don’t know whether it’s the stress around my exams, or the approach of fall, or just my usual moodswings, but it’s a fact that I’ve been feeling rather down the past few days. I can hardly sleep and whenever I do manage to sleep my dreams are usually quite fucked up and I end up not resting at all and waking up feeling even worse. I absolutely hate it… I guess that the whole feel-great after my trip is finally reaching its end, because… well, nothing cheers me up anymore. I feel like I’m standing on the same spot, not moving at all. And I feel anxious and nervous all the time. My heart is beating painfully slowly or painfully quickly, I feel like suffocating, like I’m about to burst into tears even when there’s nothing to cry for, nothing that upsets me. I feel like I’m falling into a black hole, like I’m drowning and like I’ll just vanish without anyone noticing it or caring…

And I know that it’s not so, I know that I do have friends online and offline who would care, who would worry, but I still feel like no one gives a damn about me. It’s so annoying and painful your brain and your heart to be telling you different things. I feel hopeless, yet I don’t dare to say anything to anyone, scared that they would get mad at me for thinking such stupid things.

Damn it… I just want to be normal. I just want to enjoy my days without seeking reasons to get depressed. But even when I’m happy I always find a reason to get down. Why do I have to be so screwed up? The only time when I don’t feel like suffocating is when I’m at the gym, but this week I won’t go because of the exams (for which I’m hardly studying and which adds even more stress). And I’ve spent the past three days thinking just how lonely I am, how pitiful I am.

You know, I sent away one of my closest and oldest friends yesterday – M. will be studying in Austria for the next year, and I just wish it was me… I just want to get out of here, away from everything and everyone I know. I know that next year when I graduate I may do my master degree in London, but… that’s so far away… and right now I’m suffocating. I want someone to notice me, but I’m as invisible as always. Even my ‘friends’ (offline) don’t notice me. They don’t talk to me unless I talk to them. They don’t care to ask how I am. They don’t care to notice that there are things I’m touchy about… All they think of me is that I’m one big joke…

Like yesterday… we were in our favorite restaurant and we were just talking about someone we all know, who is quite hot and nice and who had started going out with a rather… well ugly person – personality-wise and looks-wise, so I joked about how if I knew that this person’s criteria was so low I could have tried to get them first, and A.’s reaction was literally ‘LOL, yeah, right, like you could get anyone’ – these were her exact words. Seriously? Do you call this a best friend? Someone who would not only be selfish 90% of the time, but who would also laugh at you (in a very serious tone) that you can’t get anyone… And M’s and V’s reactions were to laugh and nod in support of A’s words. Thank you for pointing it out… like I hadn’t noticed…

Needless to say I cried my eyes out when I got home. Thank god that Marg was online and kept talking to me… Really… if it wasn’t for my online friends I would have lost my mind long ago…

But right now I feel even lonelier than before. I feel like a freak. And, yeah I know that just a couple of weeks I was talking about Teo, but… this was a drunk thing, far away from everyone… And an almost one night stand doesn’t really work to make me feel more confident about myself, because still… no one has ever liked me for me… I’m ugly, I have a fucked up personality, but… it’s not like all the taken people are beauties and hotties, right? What do they have that I don’t? Confidence? Is there some big secret that I don’t know… What should I change to make people like me? I’m so fixed on the thought that people dislike me that I don’t dare to approach anyone anywhere… not online, not offline… How can I change?

Have you ever thought about changing yourselves? Have you ever done anything to change yourselves? Because I have… Well, actually I’ve always found things that I want to change about myself, but it’s so damn hard to change them at the same time. It’s even hard to change them one at a time. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about those things. Those who know me a little better… or just a little, really… anyone who has spoken with me for more than 3 seconds (at least online) know that I’m quite the insecure person. Thankfully, offline I am quite good at acting and no one, not even my closest friends or family know just how insecure I am (which is really not good).

The first thing that I actually seriously did to change myself was start some diets and studying hard, long before I joined Elliquiy. I wanted to succeed in life, have a good job and money – which is essential if you want to have a normal life in my crappy country, so I studied my ass off, I got back at college and now I’m in the top 5-10 students in my major, which is quite impressive, taking in mind I study only before exams (those who roleplay with me know that the only (and not always) time I take off roleplaying is around finals). Then I started dieting, lost about 30+ pounds for about a year and a half, managed to start a couple of not so close friendships with people from college – at least I have people to hang out at lectures and inbetween lectures. So in a way I’m changing. But not as fast as I wish.

You see… ever since I gained weight (14ish-year-old) I’ve been excusing myself from things because of my weight. My classmates would ask me to go to a sea camp with them, I’d say no, because I was ashamed of my body. Anyone would ask me to do this or that, and I’d always say no, because I always think that people laugh at me for how fat I was/am. And in fact I’ve never been all that fat… At least I didn’t look too fat. I’m tall almost 5’8’’, and the most I’ve ever weighed was about 190-195. But I didn’t look like a ball… I dunno… people usually stared at me and said ‘No way’ whenever I told them how much I weighed. I was just… compact and firm? I dunno… Point is, there were much shorter and much fatter people around me who didn’t have (at least not obvious) issues with the way they looked – they were popular, having tons of friends and boyfriends/girlfriends. So, yeah, I know the problem is always in the person’s mind and the way they see themselves.

Even now when I weigh about 147, which is only 10ish pounds away from my dream weight, I still see myself as a fatty and I feel ashamed of my looks. People say I’m cute, sweet, attractive even, and I hear and see only lies in their words.

So, all this rambling was to explain why the first thing in my ‘To Change’-list is how I look and how I see myself. I’ve always used my weight as an excuse and once this problem is dealt with I will have no longer an excuse to not do things. At least that’s the plan. But to be honest, whenever I workout hard or do any sports I feel great and I like myself. I’ve always been the sporty type – ever since a kid, but around the boom of internet in the new millennium (which was unfortunately during my puberty when the body develops) I forgot about it… Like many others actually. But I’m already coming out of this phase and getting into the phase of actually taking care of my body while I’m still young (because I do not consider 23 being old), so that once I get older I will not have to worry too much about it.

So, back to the things I want to change about myself!

You see offline I’ve always protected myself with the role of the always funny, always smiling and joking person. Humor and sarcasm were my sword and shield in so many fights that I can’t even remember the number. But they were also the reason I put off a lot of potential friends (lovers maybe even). So lately I’ve been starting to just cool down a little and not letting every second word coming out of my mouth to be a joke. A few friends (well actually it was just A.) did mention that I was such an emo for being serious and not joking or laughing at some stupid youtube videos. But what totally made my… season (yeah it was that big), was what another friend (and someone whom I’ve had a crush-like feelings for ever since 8th grade (highschools here are from 8th to 12th grade)) told me about a month ago when I refused to act like an idiot like everyone else was doing and I stood by his side when he refused to do it either (they wanted to jump in a rather dirty and disgusting fountain). So, he said ‘Wow, Izu… you’ve really changed… I like that.’ And he smiled and gave me a half hug. Yeah, I know it is funny, but you see this guy had always been a bit (well a lot) annoyed with my constant jokes and we’ve had more than one or two fights, so hearing it from him in such a sincere way… It just made me feel like it was all worth it. So I’m continuing with this even if I lose a few ‘friends’ in the meanwhile.

Is it odd that I feel like it’s easier to change my offline-self than my online one? I’ve always said and believed that online I am who I really am – no masks, no acts, just me. Silly, insecure, clingy, etc. That’s how I really feel. But somehow my offline’s bad sides are not even seen in my online life, and my online’s bad sides are never seen in my offline life. Isn’t it odd? But I do want to change my online self as well. My theory is that online friends are much closer than real life ones because when it’s online people tell each other everything much easier than when it’s face to face. Even fighting online is better, because both sides have time to think what to write, write what they think, read what the other has written and think about how to reply. While face-to-face goes quickly and usually ends up uuuugly. So, yeah, as silly as it might sound I consider my online friends much closer than my real life ones. Especially since they accept me the way I am – whiny, clingy, etc. I know that my real friends would ditch me right away the moment I get a breakdown, even if it’s not face-to-face, but I just talk to them on some messenger. While my online friends have been there for me so many times…

So, yeah… for their sake I want to change, because I’m extremely paranoid about losing them (part of the clinginess, you see). I want to be calmer, I want to be more confident, I want to not overthink things, I just want to be able to enjoy being with them, being in a group without getting an anxiety attack about people hating me and not wanting me there. It’s really hard to overcome, but I do get a lot of help (especially from my future personal shrink – Miss Marg, whom I know use free of charge ;] ). Point is that it’s just much harder to change my online self, my more ‘true’ self. I guess it will take time (most probably a lot of time), but at least I’m trying, right?

I guess this whole blog post is turning into a big rambling nonsense, but I dunno… I just want my thoughts to be written somewhere. Even the blog was a part of me changing (and suggested by Marg) – it was created to have me a place to talk about myself and whatever is going on in my head and heart, because I tended (and still do) to bottle everything up, but writing here has been of great help. Who knows, maybe and hopefully one day I’ll reread my posts and I’ll see what a long way I’ve walked in order to become the person I want to be and the person I’ll love and respect to be, and I’ll feel even happier about it. Because I’m sure I will succeed. One way or the other. Sooner or later. But trust me – one day in the future there will be a blog post in here saying something like ‘Finally there’ or ‘I’m happy who I am’. But as this famous ad says – I will just keep walking ;]

It’s been one rather hectic week. But I can pretty much sum it up with a few words – I got sick, which was horrible. I got temperature, then my stomach was giving me problems. I hardly ate anything this past one week. Just… horrible. -_- I thought that it was already over but my fever went up once again yesterday and the stomach problems returned after a day of having none, so now I’m drinking some antibiotics and a whole mix of medications, that give me a rather odd buzz in the head (as if I’m drugged >.> ). Hopefully, I’ll get better soon, because I have to start studying for my retake exam – practical exam is going to be on 2nd September, the theory will be on 4th. I also have to finish this one project and send it for grading for another class that I picked the first semester, but didn’t made a project for as I was busy (not a big deal if I don’t but I want the credits, so I just might do it). And of course I want to start working out – I found a really nice gym, but I got sick on the next day, so I ended up not going there at all -.-

Oh, and yesterday around 1am I got a txt from Teo :3 He said that he was missing me and decided to write to me to see how I was doing. It was really sweet of his. To be honest, didn’t expect him to contact him. But I’m still not very sure about the wife situation. I’m waiting for him to come online on skype to ask him about those things, so you will be the first to know what happens. I don’t mind for a flirt, but I’m definitely never going for any sort of a more serious relationship with a married man. Meh… I’ll think about those things once I find out the truth. Plus, there is no guarantee that the flirt thing would continue in September when I go back to the resort (if nothing goes wrong, I’ve decided to return there for another week on 25th September).

Well… Gosh… I’m not sure how to start this blog post… As you know I was at a mountain spa resort, we did tons of hiking, healthy eating, yoga, fitness and so on… It was something like a fat camp, but super luxurious and not really concentrated on only getting thinner, but also learning how to exercise, how to live a healthy life… It was really great and I met quite a few interesting people there. But… maybe the most interesting guy was Teo – our instructor.



Our days started with yoga, then breakfast and then going up the mountains, climbing peaks, going through forests… The afternoons were taken by massages, swimming and aerobics and fitness. But it was usually just me and a couple of other people during those afternoon exercises. It was quite fun, because we would workout, talk, laugh, joke… And of course Teo was always there to lead the exercises, to make sure we worked out properly. At first I thought it was my imagination, but I could bet that Teo was paying more attention to me than to anyone else. And no, it wasn’t because I was doing badly at those activities…

But he would always say something like ‘Good job, Izu! Keep on like this!’, then he would wink at me and grin. Or during the exercises in the fitness he would stay next to me and just chit-chat with me about this or that, always correcting my poses, the way I stood or moved… even if it was wrong by a millimeter… I did think it was just because he was nice and he liked that I was doing my best and I was serious about getting fit.

When we went on our hiking trips we usually were taken to the starting points by a bus and Teo would always sit next to me, talking to me just about anything. We were always talking, laughing and joking with each other, teasing each other. It was as if we had been buddies forever. And during our hiking trips up the mountains, he would always come to me and walk next to me, encouraging me to keep on going whenever the path was getting harder. Or if he went back to make sure that everyone else was doing well, he would always come back up to me running, giving me a grin and thumbs up before taking his place at the lead…

I really didn’t think much of those things… until Thursday that is…

It was just me, Teo and Doc – one of the guys who always came to the gym to workout in the afternoon. So we were talking about this and that – mainly about what an unhealthy way of life everyone leads and that no one really gives a damn until it’s too late. Then Teo started talking to me about my major, about my hobbies, about the languages I know. And every now and then he would say something like ‘Man, you’re so smart! How come no one hasn’t stolen you until now?’ – I did think that it sounded like he was hitting on me, but I didn’t think much about it as I knew that he had a wife and a daughter (or at least I thought so). And whenever I’d say something about me wanting to get in shape, he would always say that I had an amazing body already and that it didn’t matter if it wasn’t all muscles, and that if I wanted to get in shape it wouldn’t be too hard, but he always added that he was sure that no one would mind my body if they were with me… You know… it did sound like hitting… and he would always say it with a small gentle smile and a nod. >.>

On Friday we went for horse riding and Teo always rode next to me, still talking to me just about everything. I didn’t even realize when we ended up way behind everyone else, just the two of us riding through the forest. The conversation went on for an hour or so, and I found out that Teo wasn’t married to that woman and that he wasn’t really with her anymore – all they had in common was their daughter – 16-months-old, they had broken up before they knew about the pregnancy, but still decided to keep the baby (I think it had already been too late for abortion as the ex told him about it in the 4th month?). Well, he kept talking as if he wanted to make sure that I knew that he wasn’t in a relationship. At least I thought so, because I didn’t ask him about the ex or the baby and he just started talking about it on his own (after asking me if I had someone and I said no, he said ‘me too’ and he continued telling me about it).

Point is we kept talking for so long that I didn’t even realize that I lost my sunglasses, and when I did realize it, Teo came back with me to look for them, and when we didn’t find them he made sure to ask the people in the farm to call him right away if (whenever) they found them.

Horse riding seemed to have been quite tiring for most people, because no one really showed up for the afternoon exercise on Friday, so it was only me and Teo. He was teaching me some exercises for abs and arms, always watching me, always smiling at me. And when my right calf’s muscle cramped up, he did give me a damn good rub until it loosened up and even a little afterwards… >.>

All of us went to a fish restaurant that evening as it was the last night for most of us (some people were leaving on Sunday), and Teo invited me to his car to get there (as it was outside the town, near a lake) and when we got there he sat next to me at the table. We kept on talking and laughing, but I did feel his knee bumping into mine every now and then… and it wasn’t by accident…

And when the mosquitoes got too annoying (as the tables were outside near the lake), we all decided to go back to the town and go clubbing. Well, some went home (the 40+ old people in the group), so it was just those under 30 that went to the club. It was small, crowded, the music was loud and all the couples were dancing. The single people there were me, Teo and this one other guy – George, and a couple of girls who were dancing. So the three of us sat at the bar, drinking and talking. But Teo kept leaning towards me, talking in my ear because “the music was too loud”. George went dancing with some girl and it was just me and Teo, drinking beer that remained at the bar…

Then we decided to do tequila shots. We started with 5 each… then 5 more… and then 3 more, but the last 3 were body shots… Followed by some wild dancing, then some slow dancing, then vodka with cola… By that time we were already in a dark corner of the club, laughing like crazy, our faces millimeters away…

We decided to go out for a small walk and to get some air and we headed out. We walked up the street, close to each other, our hands touching every now and then… Until I stumbled and he caught me, the two of us leaning against a wall of some building. He kept his hands on my waist and I could feel his fingers making their way under my shirt, caressing the skin there. I grinned and leaned in kissing him deeply (and boldly taking in mind that I’m kind of shy when it comes to things like this). We started making out, our hands all over each other’s bodies. We stumbled some more into a dark alley, never stopping kissing or touching each other and just in a matter of seconds we both had our pants down and our shirts up…

Gosh… what a body he had… >////< Perfect muscles, skin as soft as silk, lips delicious… Mm… >////< Soon our tongues explored each other’s bodies, taking turns… I found that he would whimper in pleasure whenever I sucked on his nipple or kissed under his belly button. He found that I would moan whenever he kissed and licked my neck or whenever his fingers traveled down…

At some point we were already laying on the ground, not caring if it was dirty. He kept rubbing against my thighs, his fingers teasing me as my own kept squeezing his tight butt (he did moan when I did it). We broke the kiss only to have him whisper every now and then pleadingly to ask me if he could enter me, only for me to tell him over and over again no without a condom (neither of us had one ;.; )… But I did think that neither of us didn’t stay too… We kept making out for some more and then I started to get up, mumbling that everybody would wonder where we were (both our cellphones were ringing), but just as I stood up he pressed me against the wall and showed me that he had quite the amazing tongue indeed… It wasn’t long before I dropped back on the ground and my voice was echoing in the dark valley, my knees shaking… And it wasn’t long before I showed him that I was quite good too…

And I guess he did like it a lot as he kept whispering to me ‘Let’s go to my room’ once we were on our way back to the club, his lips brushing against my ear, arm wrapped around my waist. But… I said no… I just couldn’t risk doing it without a condom… plus I had some other reasons too… But still… once we were back at the club, we danced some more and then together with the other couples (George had disappeared with that girl) we went to the park and waited for the sunrise… only that this time Teo wasn’t hiding that he was into me as he sat down on the ground and he pulled me to sit between his legs, his arms around me, his lips on my neck, lips… (don’t worry everyone else was making out as well xD )…

We went back to the hotel around 6am and Teo kept pleading me to go to his room or to stay for some more and that I could just stay with him in his room, without paying anything… He was kind of cutely desperate… but… I still said no…

I went to my room and took a long shower before I headed to his office – he measured us when we came on the first day, and he was going to measure us on the last day before leaving as well. I did feel a bit awkward as I walked in his office with nothing but a bathing robe and underwear. He too looked a bit worried that I may say something or I dunno, but he did measure me and once we talked about the results (I’ve lost a couple of pounds, and I’ve lost a lot of the fat mass in my body and it turned into muscles – which is great results), about what I should do once I get back home… he still asked me if I was sure that I didn’t want to stay some more… I just told him that I couldn’t… but I did promise him to come back in September once my retake exam was taken care of… And he did look happy about it. He write me his email, his address in his hometown, both his phones and his skype, saying that he wanted to stay in touch with me…

We hugged and stay hugged for a couple of minutes, kissed and hugged again… And I had to leave to get my stuff packed and he too had to leave with the rest of the group that stayed until Sunday to climb a 3100meters high peak… But I did manage to give him one more hug and kiss on the hickey I left on his neck before they left (about 30minutes before I had to leave). I joked that he should call me from the top, because I really didn’t think that they were going to manage to climb it – it’s a hard track. But as I was sitting in the bus on my way back home I did get this call and he said that he was already missing my company and that next time he would take me up to the top with him to show me the great view from there…

Mh… so… yeah… That’s what happened… I kind of regret that we didn’t get to go all the way, but I’d never do it with someone I don’t know all that well without a condom… Plus, I’m not 100% sure if he was telling the truth about the ex being an ex… I mean… a kid could always bring two people together and I’d really not be the ‘other’… I haven’t added him on skype just yet. I will in a couple of days… Don’t want him to think that I can’t stop thinking about him, despite really not being able to stop thinking about him. >.< But… yeah… it kind of worked as a confidence boost up, you know… I’ve never had anyone being that interested in me to hit so hard on me and plead me to go with him to his room… And I was definitely not the only one who he could hit on – there were other single people with us, much more attractive than I am (at least I think so), and I could swear that one of the other single people was damn interested in Teo because they tried to butt in between me and Teo at the bar or when we were dancing… I don’t know… maybe I’m just too naïve… But… I don’t really care. I had a great time. I don’t feel used or anything like this. I do not regret what happened (maybe only what didn’t get to happen). And I do know that I will remember this night for a long long time. And if I do manage to go back there in September… well… we’ll see if this story will have a continuation…

*blushes*

Jeez… I’ve never thought that I can be so sweetly tired and just so full of emotions to not need to get online or turn my laptop on at all. I didn’t even check my email or Elliquiy or facebook… simply nothing. As soon as I’d get back in my room I’d just drop on the bed and watch a bit of TV before falling asleep. But to be honest, I’ve never felt better in my life and now that I’m back home I miss that place so badly… I can’t believe that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and I will not go up in the mountains ;w;

Heh~ Anyways! I’ll tell you about the more interesting things that happened during the past few days. :]

Day 3 – The Lakes

I guess that by day 3 I was already in form because I didn’t really feel tired as we went up the mountain through the amazing nature. This time I managed to control my breathing so it was much easier and I didn’t feel dizzy or suffocating like the previous day. It was quite fun because the group was already starting to get to know each other and we were all talking, telling stories, laughing. We saw some amazing views, some magical places and the biggest mosquitoes you can ever imagine!!! And flash eating flies!!!

>.<’ There were tons of flies and mosquitoes around the lakes, and they were mean biters! I’m getting allergic reactions whenever I’m bit by a mosquito – it goes big and red, but those bites went HUGE. I got a bite on my leg and it was (still is) so big that it hurts putting a shoe or even a sock on. And the flies were literally biting our skin off! And it hurt like hell! ;.;

But it was totally worth it! I’d let them bite me all they want if I can just go there again. :]

There we go with a few pics of this place – keep in mind that this is at height around 2300-2400m, the top of those peaks, the lakes are hidden between the peaks :]














Day 4 – 2754m

Yes. That’s right. I climbed a 2754meter high peak – it was soooo hard! We’re not using ropes or anything like this – we go up the paths and then we climb the rocks like goats xD It’s extremely exhausting and just one wrong step and you can slide down with a rocks-slip and break your neck. :3

It was fun! And of course so very pretty… I’m starting to fall in love with my country!

The peak where we are heading from the starting point – that thing that is cut by the clouds.


The starting point was in the base of the peak (around 2000ish height) – a lake and a small house where we had tea afterwards :3




At some point there was no path (before the rocks to start)and we had to go up an 80-degree grassy wet slope… it was challenging!


After this picture my battery died and I couldn’t take a pic from the top ;.; But you can see what the last part looked like. And on the top you can see some lil dots – those are Julian and George who got up first in no time! And the girl is Annie – she broke her leg on the way down :(



Day 5 – Picnic

After the big peak we took a bit of break on the next day. (we still walked through the forests for maybe 10ish km) We had a picnic and we ate the most delicious meat on fire you can imagine! I don’t like eating meat, but I ate soooo much that day. It was ridiculously delicious! And we had so much fun~ :3

The meadow was in the middle of the forest surrounded by trees and mountains. Amazing place.



Day 6 – I’m a cowboy, baby xD

On Friday we went for horse riding. It was great. I got on a horse for the first time in my life and experiencing this while riding through a lovely valley… it was pure magic. But unfortunately that day I forgot my camera, so I have no pics ~_~ I’m waiting for the other people from the group to send me their pics and if I find anything good I’ll post them.

Only bad thing is that I lost my favorite sunglasses. ;.; I loved those sunglasses. And I have no idea when they had dropped off my head *had them up in my hair* But I think it was when we were galloping through the valley. But still… I don’t regret it… as this was the beginning of an amazing day. ;]

I’ll tell you about Friday night in another blog post because… well… it deserves a post of its own.

As a whole the place was amazing. I loved it there. And I do plan on going back at the end of September before the beginning of my classes. I lost 3 pounds, I got quite a few muscles and I look much fitter than before. I feel better. And I’m already deeply in love with both the mountains and working out. :)


(to be continued)

Mm… what a day ~__~ There were some points of the day where I felt like just dying. But as a whole I feel great :3

The day once again started with yoga exercises and breathing in/out’s, then breakfast then getting ready for the hiking and then going for the hiking. It started quite easily actually, but about 1/3 of the route (8km uphill) we got much higher in the mountain and the air went so very crystal clear and fresh that I simply couldn’t breathe. I had to stop every few hundred meters or calm down my breathing, but I did made it! All the way to the top (height of around 1800m) and I made it downhill quite quickly. I was feeling quite alright on the way down or while we waited for the rest of the group, but once we got on the buses that took us back to the resort I felt like dying once again. You see… the dumb drivers had turned on the AC in their cars and it was around 15C in the buses and 30+C outside, and after walking for 16km… well, it ain’t fun!! ~_~

When I got back to my room I almost collapsed, but I was alright in about 20 minutes (I had turned off the AC so it was nicely warm inside, which stabilized me).I took a warm shower and I was all fine once again. Then I went for lunch which I finished in no time because I was afraid that maybe my blood pressure had gone low from hunger (despite not being hungry at all). Well, I was fine by 3pm when I went for my massage…

Mm… *melts* The massage… it felt so good… so very very very good… and I was back at my top form afterwards as I managed to not only do the 1 hour aerobic workout, but then went to the gym with Teo and Doc (a doctor who is also a visitor here – it’s usually me, Doc and Teo who work out). And an hour workout started. I made mainly exercises for my abs and arms and chest, but I guess I did quite well, because Teo kept saying that my body structure is perfect for an athlete and if I work out seriously for a couple of months I might get super super fit :3 Which I take for a compliment :3 And it totally made my day.

I took a quick shower, then dinner, then a small walk, then an one hour bath with tons of bubbles and now I’m feeling like jelly, but in a very very good way :3

I made a few pics, nothing great, taking in mind that my camera is shitty and there were just endless trees and just about nothing to take a pic of xD

So there we go~

This is where we waited for the group to gather on the way down - I got sunburnt in the form of my sunglasses o~O



A river - next to it was the path :3



And that's part of the way that we had to go through the river OwO It was soooo cold and sooooo slippery >~< I wonder how I didn't end up in the water, taking in much just how horrible I am at keeping balance xD




Some of the more even part of the path ~o~



A pretty waterfall, but unfortunately there was no nicer angle to shoot it :{



At the end of the road ~_~ I was like melting by this point...



And at the end - a pretty butterfly :3

Ahh… what a day! I’m exhausted! I can hardly stand on my feet or keep my eyes open, but I feel amazing! The day started quite early – I woke up at 6.30am – the air here is so fresh that I didn’t need all that much sleep. I went to the restaurant for an early coffee (as it was like an hour or so before breakfast time), where I talked with Teo – our guide/instructor, about the upcoming day. Trust me. I didn’t think it would be so… thrilling, so exhausting, so energizing. Heh! I didn’t even know that one can feel exhausted and energized at the same time!

We did a 15 minute yoga (most breathing in and breathing out exercises), then breakfast, then we went to get ready for the first hiking. The bus took us to the starting point and then we walked up the mountain for… I have no idea… 5 kilometers up and then 5 kilometers down (tomorrow will be a total of 16km>.<) It was amazing! Not all that hard, but there were some places where I was gasping for air. Still I was in the lead ;]

We got back to the resort around 2ish pm, had lunch, took a quick shower and then I went to the pool where I swam for about an hour. Got back to take a quick shower just on time for the afternoon snack (some amazing peaches!), then back to my room to change and to go for the pilates/yoga exercises for an hour, then another hour in the gym. Teo was so damn amazed that I was still going xD By the time we got to the fitness, everyone else ran away x/D

After another shower, another change of clothes, dinner and a little walk, I’m back to my room, feeling so sweetly exhausted :3 I’m even thinking about coming back here in September :3 But I’m quite tired now and I think that I might just end up going to be around 10 am (something that hadn’t happened ever since I was like 6-7). ^^;

Mm… I made some silly pics today of the mountains, but right now I’m just toooooo tired to get up and go to the backpack and take out the camera x’D

<3

That’s all for now~ <3

I hardly slept last night. I didn’t feel excited or anything like this before I went to bed, but still – I kept tossing around in the bed for most of the night, waking up at 6am – nearly an hour before my alarm. I took my time, checking Elliquiy, emails, IMs, etc. I still didn’t feel all that excited, just tired and sleepy. I managed to get to the bus station just on time to buy the last ticket for this route and I got to sit next to the window :3

A little over three hours, passing through tons of endless meadows, seeing an amazing field with sunflowers all the way to the horizon, I finally got to the small town where the resort is. Somehow I managed to find the resort without asking for directions and was accommodated right away… Only that it wasn’t all that easy x’D I ended up being put in a room without AC (which is not a big surprise as the resort is mainly ski resort, so they hardly use half of the rooms during the summer, so they don’t need AC), so I went down, argued with the morons at the reception for half an hour (they claimed that all the rooms with AC were taken), called their manager (yay for google-ing skills!) and they (oh so very surprisingly) found a room with AC. So I moved to it. And ten minutes later went back down to the reception desk as there was no AC in this room either x’D So another ten minutes later I was finally moved to a 3rd room, finally having air conditioning.

A bumpy beginning, but I hope that this would be the first and the last problem. :]

The group leader ( the one who will be guiding us through the mountains and will be also our gym instructor) is damn cute! :] And damn nice too – he told the chef to change my salad at dinner because I didn’t like vinegar :3

After dinner I went to the downtown – 3 minutes walk, then to a supermarket to buy an anti-mosquitoes spray as we were told that hiking up in the mountains will be a challenge when it comes to fighting the mosquitoes. x/D We’ll see.

Mm… that’s all for today. Not much. But I’m quite exhausted. The air here is crystal clear. It’s still hot, but there is this fresh cool wind. There are some amazing views (this place is surrounded by mountains), so I’ll try to take some cool pictures tomorrow, though I can’t promise about the quality as my camera is shitty and old x/D

*yawns and rubs eyes* And I think about snuggling with mah pillow early tonight because tomorrow we’ll start the day with yoga in the middle of a field ;D

Gh… what is wrong with people? Is it just me or ‘friends’ are really not friends any more? I miss the times when having a best friend meant that the two of you would die for each other, cover for each other, fight next to each other, be actual best friends. But it seems that with growing up people stop being real friends. I mean… seriously… the only true friends I have are those that I have online, mostly because when things are online you can’t actually hurt each other and whenever you talk to each other you first think, then write what you want to say and the other have time to read it, think about it and actually respond honestly and with some thought put into it, when in face-to-face conversations it usually goes faster and people don’t always think about the other’s feelings.

Anyways… this blog post is going to be about A. and how I’m starting to realize that she is really not my friend, despite me being always there for her. I’ve posted quite a lot about her, but just the last week… well, it really made me see how dumb, selfish and mean she is.

But let’s start from the beginning.

We became friends at 8th grade – the first year of high school over here. She was drawing and I was writing stuff, so being both creative we clicked right away. We got addicted to internet together, we spent tons of hours in internet cafes as we didn’t have internet at home back then in 2001. It was great – we were the best of friends, being still kids you know. In 9th grade her mother passed away – lung cancer, and I was there for A. every single moment of it. Because of me all the teachers gave her good grades despite not really going to the tests or failing them – she was going to be applying to a Six-Form school in the UK, so she needed good grades. And of course she was accepted and she left for the UK after 9th grade.

Mind you, it was damn hard to make new friends at school, but I made it. And right now I honestly believe that us being away for so long was what kept our friendship going on, because we hardly spoke, chatting or emailing once or twice a week. But even I got internet at home and we started talking every day, she was always the once talking. Always telling me how crappy she felt, never asking how I was. And trust me – I wasn’t well at the time. I really needed a friend who would listen to me, who would ask how I felt or what was going on… only that such friend was nowhere to be found. Well, except on gaiaonline.com which turned out to be my savior at the time. If it wasn’t that site I would have gone crazy… Roleplaying saved me back then because I got the chance to pour out all my emotions into my characters…

Anyways. I had a huge depression for a year and a half, but she never noticed. I was insomniac, I failed my exams, I felt like dying, but she never once asked me ‘Hey, what’s up? How are you?’ or if she did, she never waited for my reply, but she always started ranting about her ex boyfriend from the first year in college with whom she is still obsessed and she can talk about him for hours. Anyways… Years passed, and I realized that no matter how much I needed her to listen to me for just once, it won’t happen anyways. So I actually started getting online on skype less and less – what was the point? It kept our ‘friendship’ for another year or so, and then we started talking again. Or more exactly she started ranting to me about everything and anything and how crappy her life was, once again never asking about me… and if you’ve known me for more than a week or two you already know just how many issues I have, don’t you? But she doesn’t despite being my friend for nine years now.

She graduated from university with a crappy major (some literature that cannot be used for anything, not even teaching). She didn’t bother searching for a job and she stayed jobless for a year in the UK, doing absolutely nothing. And whenever he sister – a successful lawyer in the UK, told her to grow up and get her life in her hands, A. would start bitching about how horrible her sister was. *rolls eyes* She did work once a week as a catering waitress, enough to get a few pounds to live through the next week, but really… she spent more on e-bay and for beers than for food. :/

Last year in December, her sister finally told her to pack her stuff (as she was living with her for free) and come back to our country and try to find some job here. So she came back and ever since then I’ve started seeing her for who she really is. A lazy, selfish person, who has no motivation to do anything, who blames everyone but herself for her problems and acts like a 12-year-old spoiled teenager. Needless to say she never looked for a job here. And her father is not all that well with money, owing huge loans to the banks, being on the verge of losing their place. But she always bitched when he refused to give her 20 bucks to go out or when he told her to either find a job or go back to the UK. She is lucky that her father lives with a woman (rather stupid, but very kind) – this woman took huge loans so that A’s father won’t lose the apartment, and she keeps giving A money despite having her own needs and expenses, and whenever she tells A that she doesn’t have money A goes ranting for hours just how mean this woman is. Seriously?

This on one hand. On the other A treats me like a given. I have classes, exams, I have hobbies, I work out, I like spending some time on my own, I have a sick grandmother that cannot always be left alone. And what does A do? She pouts at me every time I tell her I am busy or I’m sick. Calling me names, talking about what a horrible friend I am and so on and so on. And what happens when we go out? She usually has 10-15 bucks, which she spends in no time for food – pizza, salad, etc. and drinks and she drinks ten times more than I do, her money ends in no time, but she doesn’t stop drinking. She just continues drinking and then tells me to pay. And this is every single time. I’m not rich. I do not work. I have a monthly allowance that my brother and mother give to me, with which I cover the internet bills in our two apartments, my cellphone, my expenses about lunch at college, going back and to school, buying everything on my own – food, drinks, whatever I need for home. That’s how my family thought me to value money and to know how to plan my expenses so that I’ll have enough to survive the month. Only that with A. my money for the month usually end around the middle of the month and the other half of the month I have to not spend anything. Sometimes I refuse to go out with her because I just can’t afford it and she goes all pouting.

The past few days she keeps on talking about stuff that she has no idea about – politics, the life in our country, etc. She hasn’t been here for the past 5-6 years so she really has no idea how things really are. And she makes those stupid comments and when I try to explain to her that she is wrong and why she is wrong, she goes right away laughing at me and calling me stupid. ._. Trust me. I am not stupid. I might be insecure just about anything, but not about my brain. I’m smart. I’m intelligent and I keep myself informed about everything. But A has to always be right and she always gets into fights with me about those things. I’ve reached to the point where I just roll my eyes and say ‘Yeah, okay, whatever’ and just ignore what she talks about.

And then yesterday she says she wants to go out for a coffee with me, V. and R. – other friends of ours from high school. V. and R. told her that they are free after 2 in the afternoon, and I told her that I’m okay around 4-5pm because I have to go to the bank to take my new debit card, then I have to do some shopping for my vacation (not that she knows I’m leaving >.> ), and she says that she wants us to meet in the evening. And by ‘in the evening’ read – for alcoholic drinks. So I tell her that I do not want to go out drinking, and she goes ‘Well, yeah I can’t afford it anyways’, but she keeps on saying in the evening. And when I told her ‘Fine, just go with V. and R. , no need for me to be there’ – pretty much telling her that if she goes to go then she still won’t have her money-bank (me), so she rants for an hour what a horrible friend I am and how I’m ignoring her all the time and how she will go crazy because she never goes out, etc. etc. etc. But of course she ignores the fact that the past week I asked her to go out for a walk at least 10 times – you know, a walk in the park, sitting for a coffee, just hanging out, she always refused because according to her this is ‘boring’ and by boring read – no booze, no fun. Well, sorry, but I am not an alcoholic. I like drinking every now and then, but this doesn’t mean drinking every single day. :/

And to be honest, I already can’t wait for her to go back to the UK – after two years of doing nothing, she finally decided to go for a Master degree (once again a crappy major that won’t really give her any chances to get work once she graduates). Really… she could have been finishing a second Bachelors degree by now in a much better major, but she said she didn’t want to waste her time -_-‘ And I suppose staying home, doing nothing is not actual wasting of time. Really… if she doesn’t leave for the UK any time soon I can so see myself just stopping being her friend (something that I maybe I should have done long ago).

I’ve tried talking to her about her starting thinking about her future – work, school, etc., but all she does is telling me that I know nothing, that I’m stupid and that I’d have it easy once I graduate as I’ve picked a good major. Well… Sorry, but I was thinking 10 years ahead in the future when I picked my major – Computer Science and Programming, and she picked this stupid literature major because all she had to do over the years was read 10 books and write 10 essays. *rolls eyes*

*sighs* And now I know what will happen when I tell her that I’m leaving for a vacation – she will rant about how unfair life is, how I’m abandoning her, what a selfish friend I am and so on. Well, sorry that I’ve been saving every penny for the past few years and I can afford a vacation. Sorry that you did nothing for the past couple of years and you expect people to give you everything. Sorry that you are the actual selfish person who only knows to blame everyone else. :/

Gh… and she calls herself MY best friend. Not that she has ever done anything friendly towards me, not to mention ‘best-friendly’. But maybe I’m the naïve one, wishing to have true friends like back when we were kids. I don’t know… you tell me… But I do know that A. is anything but my friend.

Gosh… the past few days were literally the last drops that I needed to make myself finally get the nerve to speak up my wishes and make sure that my family would understand. I decided to go on a vacation on my own. I will most probably end up spending all my savings, but then again I have nothing to save for, so… no point at saving the money, right? After all money is meant to be spent. And as I really need an escape from here for a while, I will spend my money on a little temporary escape.

The plan is to go a seven-day mountain vacation on a special program that includes healthy eating, tons of working out and hiking and mountain climbing and riding horses and going down quick rivers and as many as possible adventures they could fit in 7 days. It’s something like a ‘fat camp’ only that it’s not only for fat people, but also for people who seek adventure and love the mountain. I’m quite excited about it :]]

I spent today getting my blood tested as they want us to prove we’re healthy (I suppose they don’t want to risk getting someone sick who might not survive the intense 7 days), shopping and paying for the vacation. It was around 100F so I feel exhausted and I walked around for like 7 hours (about 10miles of going around the stores). Now I have everything I’ll need for the hiking – boots, backpack, some new clothes for the whole experience, and many other lil things.

I did spend almost all my savings and the rest I’ll spend during the vacation as we’ll have free time in the evenings so I’ll most probably try the local clubs :] If I have enough energy to move at the end of the day xD I’ll be taking my laptop, so I’ll keep the blog updated and hopefully will add some lovely pictures – we have quite the amazing nature around here :) Man, I’m excited!! :]]

I’m leaving on 31st July and I’m coming back on 7th August. I really do hope that I will have a great time, that I will manage to relax a little and maybe even lost another few pounds. Yep… first good thing in a while. :]