Izu's World

Dreams… Do you have them? Do you remember them when you wake up? Are they realistic? Colorful or black and white? Are you yourself there or someone else?...

Lately I’ve been having some too realistic dreams. Dreams that in the morning have my heart racing, I’m staring up at the ceiling, fingers clutching on my sheets, unable to figure out if what had just happened was real or it had been a dream. Needless to say that my dreams are not nice ones… even the ones that seem to be peaceful and just lovely usually end up having me feel like crap…

The nightmares usually start with some sort of a war… Always… It’s winter, it’s snowing. The streets are covered in muddy snow, corpses. I’m in the military, some sort of a captain I believe. I have a rifle on my shoulder and I’m waking quickly down the street, looking around hectically, searching a specific someone among the dead people. And then I see him. I run to the person I’ve been looking for – a man. I can see his face clearly despite the drying blood on his face – he is handsome, maybe a year or two older than I am, dark hair, dark eyes. He is still alive, but I know that it won’t be for a long. I start crying as I search for the wound on his chest, tearing his shirt apart to find the bullet hole near his heart. I place my cold hands over it and I can feel how his warm blood soaks my palms. I plead him to stay awake, to not leave me, but all he does is to reach out and touch my cheek with a bloody hand before he lets go of his last breath and his eyes close forever…

Usually the nightmare continues with me trying to kill everyone, shooting like crazy. I end up in some building cornered by the enemies, having no more bullets, knowing that my life will end quite soon. I look out of the window and I see the leader of the enemies’ troops… And it’s that man whom I thought died in my arms… He is alive. My heart stops for a moment and without thinking I rush out. And next thing I know is that I’m on my knees, guns pointed at my head. I watch him as he comes closer, a cold smirk over his face. I stutter out ‘But how? You died…’ and he replies that he was saved and not left to die like I left him. I try to explain that I thought that he was dead, that I love him, but he only laughs and point his gun at my head. ‘I never loved you. How could I love someone like you? No one will ever love you.’ He says and he pulls the trigger…

…And I wake up, looking up at the ceiling, my heart hurting. I feel like crying, I feel like I’m suffocating, I feel betrayed and as lonely as never before.

And this dream reoccurs every single night. Sometimes it’s a bit different – different place, different scenario, but it always ends like this. I know that it’s just because I can’t stop thinking about how no one will ever love me and my subconscious is playing me tricks by giving me those dreams, but… they are just so realistic… As if they are glimpses from some dark future that I cannot escape from. And really… they are making me feel worse than ever… I can’t stop feeling what I felt during those dreams, after I woke up… And just those feelings of loneliness, of heartbreaking pain, of sadness don’t leave me all day long until I go to bed to have another one of those dreams…

Isn’t it pathetic? I want to be loved so badly, but I think so bad of myself that even in my dreams the love of my life laughs at me, tells me that he never loved me and kills me… And to be honest… I’m starting to really believe that no one will ever like me… not to mention love me…