Izu's World

The past couple of weeks had been quite… I dunno… weird? I don’t know what to write here right now as I feel kind of lost and confused. I’m still having tons of nightmares every night. I hardly sleep. I feel tired most of the time, my head hurts just about all day long. And I feel like getting anxiety attacks every other night. Then again at the same time there are moments when I feel just great… I read this book ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway’ and it helps me a lot – it’s the first self-help book that I’ve read – A. gave it to me – her sister gave it to her. It made me feel much better about some things, I’m trying to think more positively about life and I do feel somewhat better… but only for a while.

My moodswings are getting so drastic that one moment I may feel like the most optimistic and happy person and in the next moment I feel like crying out of self-pity. It’s just… gh… I dunno…pathetic. I regret about so many things in my past, but I know I can’t chase those things. I can take care to not do the same mistakes in the future, but at the same time I don’t have the guts to change those stuff about me. I feel like life is passing by me and I’m not taking any part in it and I have no idea how to actually start living. I want to have more friends, I want to go out, I want to have a social life, I want to find someone, go on a date, just fool around with anyone… but I don’t know how to do any of those things.

I’ve found my safe niche in the world – in my room, alone, and I’ve locked myself there. It’s not helping that my family thinks that being home all the time is normal and that whenever I am going out they act as if I’m 10 and I’ve stated that I’m going out clubbing to have sex with strangers and do drugs. -_- It’s just that they are suffocating the tiniest bits of guts that I have to step out in the world… I dunno… I just feel petrified… I know I’m too scared to get hurt, abandoned, ignored… so I’m ‘protecting’ myself by staying home alone…

I dunno… I know that I need help, but there is no one around me to offer help. A. left for the UK (which kind of relieved tons of my stress levels caused by her), V. is someone I do not even consider a friend, plus they both used me as a punching bag and someone to whine to without ever caring for me, so… it’s not like I’d ever go to them for help :/ So… I’m pretty much on my own… and I have no idea how to make the first step…

Of course my insecurity is not helping at all – there are times when I feel like the ugliest person in the whole universe, I don’t like my body, my hair, my face, nothing… so feeling quite insecure about those things doesn’t really give me the guts to go out among people. I just freak out before going out and I just end up staying home… I don’t know what to do… or how to do it… Gh… this is just so stupid, you know…

For now all I can think about is going to my classes regularly once they start next Monday, maybe try to bond with my classmates from university… but other than that I have no idea what else to do. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know… but keep in mind that my country is so very different than the US or the rest of the developed world. Going out clubbing, online dating, things like this are out of question because of just how dangerous it could be over here…

Help?