Izu's World

Isn't it just great how your family can crush your dreams (even if they are the silliest ones) just with a couple of words? I fucking hate it when they say things that they know would make me feel like shit and would make me lose hope and desire and everything. I'm like just about to start crying. Fucking happy birthday ;_;

Today I’m going to talk about why I don’t like the beginning of month May. But I’m not feeling down like I thought I would whenever I felt like writing about it, on the contrary – I feel calm and I think that I’ll be able to talk about it without feeling completely devastated like it would have happened if I had started talking about it on down-mood-swing.

To begin with…

My birthday is on 3rd May, which is the reason why I hate the beginning of May. You see, for the past 13 years, ever since I turned 10, I’ve always really hated my birthday. I have had no reason to like it. It’s a day I turn older – not a big deal. The presents always consist of money as I never want anything in specific. And even if it’s great to have money sometimes… it really feels horrible to get money for a present. Why? Because it’s just cold… How come your family can’t think of a single present that might make you happy or smile? So I always get a ‘There you go… so that you can buy whatever you want’ kind of wish. It has always made me feel hurt and lonely… I’m not, and I have never been, the type of person who would go ‘Yay! Cash!’ – I don’t really care about money as I don’t really spend much… the reason why I have quite the nice savings and if I wanted anything I could get it right away… But it doesn’t mean I want to be asked what I want and someone to go buy it for me and present it to me… I just want anything… The tiniest little thing… as long as it would show that they know me just a little bit and that it’s personal…

The second reason why I hate my birthday and thus I hate the beginning of May, is that I’m always alone. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I turned 11-12. Back then I was embarrassed to admit to my friends that my parents were divorced and that was why my father was absent, so I just stopped celebrating it… then I just became much closed and slowly distanced myself from them. Then high-school came and I distanced myself from the real world even more… I know that it was my fault for always ending up alone back then, but… I was getting more and more insecure with every next day. Hell… I always spent the first few hours of my birthday (right after midnight) crying myself to sleep out of anxiety attacks at the thought that I’ll have to face my entire class in the morning… And I became even more closed in myself after graduation, distancing from the very few friends I made at school. Ever since then… I’ve been spending my birthday home, alone, online, chatting, crying, getting nervous breakdowns and so on, and so on…

I can’t help but think why I turned out such. Why I didn’t stay the super confident kid I once was and instead I turned into someone who acts confident, but actually is the most insecure person on earth. And the closer my birthday gets, the more I think about all the ‘what ifs’ and all the ‘whys’ of the past. What would have happened if I had been more open? If I had made parties for my classmates and friends? I suppose I wouldn’t have been as lonely as I’m now, but knowing those people… I would have been surrounded by superficial fake friends who do not care about me at all. So… in a way I do not regret what I’ve done in the past… because all the pain, the loneliness, the doubts – they’ve made me stronger, better, wiser.

But the older I get, the more I wish there was someone special next to me. I’ve already written about never having been in love… and every birthday I wish for this. I wish to fall in love even if it’s with the wrong person. I just want to feel those emotions – love, pain caused by love, happiness caused by love. I just want to find this one person who would make me feel less lonely. But it hasn’t happened yet… So on my birthday I get calls from my family, and from a couple of friends… and from whoever is online on Skype as skype notifies users whenever someone has birthday. Lol… But still… the loneliness inside me is worse than ever…

I’m getting older, but I don’t feel like I’m living. At all. I just exist. Day for day, the same routine over and over again. And the closer that day comes, the more I think about the past and about the future. And fear fills my heart because I’m afraid I’ll stay lonely forever. So usually the end of April is filled with moodswings, usually for the worse. The tiniest thing can make me feel like I don’t worth living. Someone not talking to me? Someone not replying to a roleplay? (yeah, my social contacts are 99% online) just anything can trigger my moodswing, making me cry, suffocating, panicking, thinking about how I’d get older in a few days, yet I haven’t lived at all…

I’m a sad person, aren’t I? Heh…

But I want this birthday to be different. My best friend, as annoying as A. can be, is here for the first time in years (she lived in the UK for the past 8 years, so we were seeing each other like 2 a year if we were lucky), so I’ll take her to a restaurant. This time I don’t mind getting money as presents from my mother and brother – actually I prefer it, so that I can buy myself a bike – yes, I want a bike for my birthday just like a lil kid. You see, for the past year or two I’ve been working on myself – losing weight, working hard at school, being at the top 5-10 students at my major [all were about 180, half dropped out by now as it's super tough], but the past month I’ve been taking even greater care for myself – better diet, working out, relaxing, learning to let my feelings out through this blog...

I am changing.

And I hope that this birthday, 3rd May 2010, will be the first day of the rest of my life. My new life. And if you want to wish me something, wish me to manage to change myself, wish me to become stronger, wish me to never have a lonely birthday again... Because really… I don’t need nor want any presents. I just wish someone to remember me. To know me. To know what I truly want.

Last night I felt quite down – my msn wasn’t working properly, my best friend A. was being a bitch again, I felt like the whole world was against me – even the weather was all gloomy and about to rain. I went to bed literally on the verge of a breakdown. Once again I had some weird dreams and didn’t sleep all that great. And when the morning came and my alarm started its annoying wake-up melody, I really didn’t feel like waking up.

But then I rolled on my back, opened one eye and saw that it was sunny outside. Bright blue sky, cloudless, the sun making the entire world sparkling. I pushed myself off the bed, stumbling to the window to open it – and there were birds singing outside. It brought a smile to my face – I love sunny, warm weather.

After I woke up enough to get out of the bed I checked my weight – I’m on a diet, aiming to lose some 20 pounds, and I found out that I was nearly 4 pounds less than a few days ago! It totally made me smile. When I logged on my msn was working properly once again, which also cheered me even further. I went to our other apartment (in the capital – we will call it ‘S’), took some clothes I’d need as I’d be spending the next couple of weeks in P (a city near the S where we too have an apartment). I got back to P. and tried some of my clothes that I had taken with me from S. and it turned out that my new jeans are at least a size if not two bigger now! ^__^

The afternoon was calm, I was (and still am) completely ignoring the fact that I’ll have a test on Friday. I finished the last few episodes of an anime I had started a while back, and it kept my smile on my face – if you love baseball and you like anime watch ‘Cross Game’ and ‘Major’ – great animes about baseball. Then I searched through the diet’s cookbook and I found a simply recipe for something like a bread without any flour. So I ‘baked’ it and it turned out like a pancake, so I added some low fat cheese and a bit of chicken meat in it, rolled it and it turned out incredibly tasty! *rubs tummy*

So as a whole, today completely took away all the unpleasant feelings from yesterday. I’m calm, I’m not thinking anything gloomy. It is finally a moodswing for the better. I hope this will last for a while, but I doubt… Heh… I hate the beginning of May. I’ll talk about it some other time as I really don’t want to get into a gloomy mood right now.

Oh! And I got my second official follower! Thanks, Matt <3

Yet another moodswing… I feel like I’m suffocating… I have had some pretty fucked up dreams the past few days, ending up with hardly any rest. On top the weird weather is causing my blood pressure to act up going super low. I haven’t had much of a muse for my roleplays… I just can’t get the will to sit and write. And I want to write, but… I feel like I’m empty…

On top once again I feel like no one gives a damn about me. My family only shouts at me. The stupid washing machine broke again and of course I was the one to be blamed.. and I haven’t even touched it. It’s not my fault that the engine is fucked up… And I just feel like this was the last drop to get me to this moodswing… And I really feel like I have no one to talk to about those stuff or anything really… My rl friends… they never care about me… never talk to me unless they need something from me. And I don’t really feel all that close to any of them… not even to my ‘best’ friend… how can I feel close to someone who never listens to me and never asks how I am and if I mention that I feel sick or just not great they brush off the subject and ignore me for the rest of the day or the week or the mouth? I’m sick of my rl ‘friends’…

And online… I’m too scared to go to anyone directly. Ask for help directly. Ask them to listen to me or just talk to me to keep my mind away from all those gloomy thoughts… I don’t want to bother them… not when I know that they have real problems… and not some stupid pointless moodswings… I’m scared I’d lose them… I don’t want to lose them… because even if they don’t consider me their friend I consider them my friends… even when they don’t talk to me…

I’m pathetic, aren’t I?

Oh!! And I just noticed that my blog has its first follower - Molly! ^__^!
Thank you for following what I ramble here <3

Have you ever worked really hard in order to achieve something? So hard that in the end you felt like you would never make it, you’ll never get what you want? And then all of a sudden you get what you want and you feel so ridiculously happy as if a miracle had just happened?

Mh… :) That’s how I feel right now. I had a midterm exam on Saturday – Deferential Geometry – a very disgusting thing, and I just got my results – I got a 90%, which pretty much places me in the top 5-10 students in my major. I studied hard for an entire week, but to be honest I didn’t think I’d do that well. So when I was told today that I have a 90% on the exam I started laughing, feeling so happy. I just love it when I get something that I’ve worked hard for.

Now I’m studying hard for my Database midterm this coming Friday, and I know I will get good results once again. But I’m sure that just before the exam and just after the exam I’d feel like I’ve failed and then in a few days when I get my results I’ll be once again ridiculously happy.

But I’m not making this post to just talk about my exams, studying and my marks. This post is just something like a small reminder to myself and to anyone who reads this blog – as long as you work hard and do your best, you will feel great at the end even if results are not all that great. I often forget to praise myself when I do well at something, anything, but I never forget to make myself feel horrible if I fail. I guess that’s why I always end up feeling as if I always fail, even when I do succeed at a lot of things.

So… the moral is – praise yourself when you do well, try your best at anything you do, so that even if you fail in the end you will know that you’ve tried as hard as you could… and if you haven’t tried all that hard… well, learn from your mistakes and try harder next time. Because success… it feels damn great! :]

What’s going on with the world? For just one day I read about 4 posts and articles (different sites, newspapers, forums) about people who killed themselves… I mean it’s not like it’s such big news or anything like this – people die one way or the other every minute all around the world. But what got me go completely wtf was that all those articles and posts were written by close friends of the said person. Sometimes even family members. And they all said ‘No one saw it coming’.

. . .

This line… It made me thinking. As a person who has been depressed for so many years that I can’t count, I know what is it like to need someone to notice your pain… but I also know that it would be my fault if no one sees it as I always hide what I truly feel. I know that it would be my fault if I keep on smiling, acting as if everything is perfect while on the inside I feel like I’m drowning in darkness.

I would never go for a suicide… no matter what happens.. because I’m oddly optimistic. I know that things can go really bad, that I usually think that I will never find happiness, love, etc., but at the same time I do realize that there is a chance things to work out somehow. And I do believe that there is always this tiny chance… even if I don’t think so…

But I suppose not all people can be optimistic like this. I suppose there is a much darker place than the one I am in. But still…

Who is the one to be blamed that things went that bad? The person who was suffering, but never let the people around them to know about it? Or the ones around that person who never bothered to ask? Never tried to make them open up? Or can we blame anyone at all?

I guess that the ones who are still living just try to protect themselves by saying they never saw it coming… but… is it alright? I just… I don’t know…

I used to hide whenever I got depressed or when my moodswings got worse, so everyone thought I was the always smiling, always laughing and joking person that I usually act as in public. And when I did open up to some people I considered friends… well… let’s say that I haven’t heard of them in years. But still… I promised to myself to show people when I feel down… because even if they don’t give a damn about me… well I’d rather be true to my feelings than to hide behind those always-smiling masks that I had on for so long.

But still… we… all of us… should reach out to other people. Even if they are always smiling, appearing happy. Because ‘appearing happy’ doesn’t mean actually being so. I guess all of us, all humans, we are to be blamed that we look aside, close our eyes or just not try hard enough to care for other people. It is sad but ‘humane’ is a word that we start to forget more and more with every next day. And I suppose that until every single one of us experience being in that dark place, hoping, praying that someone would reach their hand out to us, we won't start realizing just how important it is to actually notice the little signs…

I just hope that people won’t realize that sometimes they have to be the ones holding out their helping hands post factum. Because if we don’t start helping each other even when help isn’t asked for, those that in the Darkness will stay there until it’s too late to be helped…

Rest in peace… I hope you will find some light in the afterlife.

Gosh… I hate my moodswings… Why do they always have to happen after I’ve had a good time? It’s as if my brain and heart just don’t want me to be happy for too long and just in the blink of an eye my mood goes from high, carefree, happy to low, gloomy and heartbroken. –sighs-

I’ve been resting all day long, watching a Korean series and as those of you who have watched any Korean series know it was filled with drama, tragedy, comedy, love story and lots of bittersweet moments. And now that I just saw the last episode, I feel… empty… I watch those fictional characters and I wish I was one of them. I wish I had someone to love. Someone to love me. Someone to fight with and fight for…

Heh… I guess I sound quite pathetic, don’t I? Whining like a 12-year-old that I want a boyfriend… But… sometimes I can’t help it… Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I just find someone, fall in love, be in love? Hell! I even envy my friends when they tell me that they broke up with their lovers.. At least they’ve felt love. They know what it is like to be heartbroken by love… I don’t know which one hurts more, but being heartbroken by the absence of love in your life… it’s quite devastating…

I know that there are millions of people who are as lonely as I am. I know that I am not the only one who wants to be loved… Yet I feel like I’m the only one who has never been in love… It’s not normal, is it? I don’t even remember ever having a crush on some Hollywood star or singer or anyone. I’m almost twenty-three… and every time I think about just how lonely I am… just how much I want to experience this thing called ‘love’… just once… even if it’s for a lil bit… I feel like breaking down… Like I’m doing right now…

I’m trying to change my looks… look better… I’m trying to be more open, more cheerful, more… real around people. I’m trying to talk with them whenever anyone wants to talk to me. I’m trying to listen to their stories with interest… yet… no one likes me… no one asks me out… I’m gonna keep on trying to change my looks, get fitter, sexier or whatever.. because I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why people don’t like me.. and the only reason I can think of is my looks… you know… everyone always gets attracted to the other’s looks first and then to their personality…

But… sometimes… I just feel like I’ll never find love… like I’m some so fucked up person that no one will ever love me and I will never be able to love anyone and this thought.. god… it fucking makes me cry like a baby… I’m just so lonely.. and my heart hurts so much…

Gh.. why can’t I get moodswings for the better? From sad going happy for no reason? Why does it always have to throw me into the darkest corners of my mind and heart?! Gh!...

Okay… last night was amazing!

A. (my best friend) and I went out. It was still early, so we took a walk around the park and the weather was just so warm, so sunny – simply perfect for a walk. We met an old high-school classmate and we talked to him, then we ate ice-cream. It seemed like we were going to have rather peaceful evening…
But I was sooo wrong!

We went to our favorite bar/club – it’s small, the place is nice, there are always cool and fun people there, the alcohol is great too, and on top last night there was a gig by a rather legendary underground rock band! And that’s when the fun started. It turned out that it was the band’s 15th year, so they said they wanted to party in their favorite club, so they came here. Their songs are just so funny – they do parodies of famous songs, and their original songs are also fun, playful, wild, etc.

So… my friend and I sat at P.’s table with his weird friends as they had a table and we didn’t feel like standing up. Only that after our second? beer we went to the front just before the tiny stage. And we sang along with the band, and we jumped, and we danced, and we hangbanged, and we drink and drink… and driiiink xD

Four guys bought me beer – one of them was the lead guitarist of the band!! ^w^ He was like ‘Ei, I’m gonna treat you a beer `cause you are the funniest in the crowd’ Or something like this xD And I met some old friend from my childhood, who too bought me a beer and we did go to a dark corner of the club, and we were kinda huggling, though we weren’t making out (pity he was hot), we were just talking to each other’s ears catching up and all… but it felt so~ nice! Then I went out on the balcony to catch some air and there was this other guy – I didn’t know him, but he was fun – we spoke about the band, about how wild it was inside and then he offered to treat me a beer. ^^; Heh~ Then I danced with him… or more exactly the two of us jumped in the center of the crowd together xD

Then I wanted some water and I went to the bartender and I’m like ‘Waaaateeer!!’ and he looked at me, shook his head, grinned and gave me a beer saying it’s on him >~< So I took it, but it was like… my 6th or 7th beer so I hardly drank anything from it and did go and get some water from the other bartender. And then I danced more with just about anyone, including A. though I don’t think A. had as much fun as I did.

Oh, and at some point I found myself dressed with the band’s t-shirt xD I have no idea when that happened or where I got it from or where my own shirt went xD But I have a damn cool band t-shirt right now!
….
And a hangover xD

But it was fun! I needed some wild fun! It was a good night.

Lately I’ve been having these realistic dreams that make me wish I’d never wake up…

It’s sunny usually. I wake up in a huge bedroom, white sheets messy. There’s this huge window taking up an entire wall of the room. The curtains are blown by a soft breeze. The view is amazing – endless crystal ocean, a few palm trees, exotic birds flying, bright blue sky with a few fluffy white clouds. It’s simply breathtaking.

I dream of how I wake up from my sleep and I smile as I look at the view before me. Then someone comes in my room – a very handsome man, carrying a tray with orange juice, strawberries and pancakes. He walks to my bed and gives me a small kiss.

I do not remember what we talk about or if we talk at all. But I do remember that soft warm feeling inside my chest. In my dream I know I’m in love with this man, and I know that he loves me too. It’s… odd… really… I usually dream of small kisses, of hugs and smiles – you know… just love, not sexual desire or anything like this. All those dreams are simply tender…

And then I wake up in the real world. I reach out for the other side of my bed, but I either hit it in the wall or it falls off the edge as this is not a double bed. I open my eyes and I see an empty room… and just in the blink of an eye my heart fills with the very same emptiness… And I feel like crying, curling into a ball and praying to be pulled back in the world of dreams and to never wake up from it…

I guess it’s because of my loneliness, because I crave to fall in love… to have someone who would love me the way I am… as neither of this has ever happened. I suppose I’m the only 22-year-old (almost 23) who has never been in love. Not even childish, teenagerish, puppy, one-sided crush on anyone. It’s not like I’m incapable of loving… because if my heart was that cold it wouldn’t have been hurting so badly whenever I wish for love, right?

I don’t know…

I was quite messed up when I got into my teenage years with all the problems in my family. It all affected my confidence, turning me into an extremely closed person who spent 99% of their time either at home or at school, just about never going out. If it hadn’t been for internet I would have gone crazy that’s for sure, as internet and the forums I was and still am a part of have been my only contact with the outer world for long long years…

And even if I dislike the way I look and I’m trying my best to get in form, working out, healthy dieting and so on… I don’t think it’s because of my looks… Yeah, my looks have made me even more insecure, but… I’ve seen people times uglier than me with someone by their side…

I think it is because deep down in my heart I’m afraid I’d be hurt if I let anyone in my heart. And, yeah, I know – if I don’t let anyone in my heart I may never get hurt, but I may never get love either. But then again… I haven’t met anyone interested in me… so… I guess it’s not just what’s going on in my heart, but… other things as well.

I just wish one day I will met this one person who would make me wanna stay awake with them in the real world instead of craving for that moment when I’d close my eyes and escape into my dream world…

My family… well… I don’t have an ordinary family – they are all overprotective of me for being the youngest, we all care a lot for each other and we are closer than most families that I know. But you see… my family consists of me, my mother, my older brother, and my grandma (and my grandpa when he was still alive).

I suppose the reason for writing this post is my father. Or at least the man who gave half of the biological material for my creation, as I consider ‘my father’ to be my grandpa who raised me and took care for me. My biological father… well… the only memories I have from him is me being sent to the nearby store to buy him alcohol, or he drinking alcohol, or me hearing about him drinking alcohol somewhere. He was the type who actually sold our furniture (and almost our apartment) to buy more alcohol and to go gamble. When my mother finally divorced him – the divorce took over a year and at the end he agreed to sign the papers after my mother took a huge loan from the bank to pay half of our apartment to him, so that he would leave, and she agreed that he won’t be paying any money for me or my brother. So… he pretty much robbed us and gave up on us.

I was 12 at the time the divorce was officially over. And if I may say – it’s a huge reason why I have so many trust issues. How can I get myself to trust strangers when my own father betrayed my trust? Meh… but this is another story…

For about a year I kept going visiting him every other Saturday – he wouldn’t take me to his place, but he would take me to a café or some low diner. We would spend a couple of hours together and he would get me back on the bus home. I hated those meetings, but I did endure them… until he dared to say that my grandparents, who raised me and my brother as my mother was too busy working day and night to support us all, had brainwashed me, that were the most horrible people on earth and other crap like this. This was the day I had the first and last fight with him. And I told him that I was no longer his child.

It’s been ten years since then. I haven’t heard of him since then. He kept calling us at odd hours in the middle of the night when he was drunk, causing more than one of my nervous breakdowns. A person who easily stresses, who is quite insomniac + getting calls in the middle of the night from a drunk horrible person =… not fun times…

And then… I don’t remember when… was it six months ago? Or even more… I don’t know. My mother got a call from my aunt – my father’s brother’s wife, that my father got a stroke and now he couldn’t move, talk properly and so on. I had a horrible time not knowing how to react. I didn’t care, but I did feel bad that I didn’t care - after all he is my father even if he had never been a father to me. But I got over it. I decided and I made it clear to my mother, brother and my aunt that I do not consider him my father, that I do not care what’s going on with him as… he is a perfect stranger to me who has caused nothing but pain in my life. So, the story was over…

Or at least I thought so. I guessed one day I’ll just get a phone call telling me he died. As horrible as it may sound - I doubt I’ll go to his funeral whenever this day comes.

However, last night I kept getting phone calls from my cousin – I didn’t pick up, and this morning my aunt contacted my mother telling her that my grandmother (my father’s mother – she said that she didn’t want to take care of us when we were babies and she never was a grandmother either) is in a hospital with a broken leg so it will be a month before she could go back to taking care for my father, so we should either go take care for him (at which I LOLed – seriously???) or we should give about $1000 per month for a nurse to go take care of him, at which I lol-ed again as this is EXTREMELY a lot over here. Thankfully my mother repeated what I told her a few months ago – these people are not our family, they turned their backs on us, they robbed us of all our savings so that we would get the apartment that was ours anyways, and now they expect us to help them?

I might sound as a horrible person – but I don’t care. Yeah, I pity them, I feel sorry for them like I would do if I hear this story about any other person – sick, etc, but… I don’t feel obliged in any way to help them. They are not my family. And they have no right to ask… no to DEMAND from us to give them money and/or care that they didn’t deserve.

Am I a horrible person? I suppose I am… but I know that if I go there even once I will breakdown… and this time it will be worse than ever. Why? Because I’m a softie and I’ll feel sorry for them and I’ll blame myself like I did for so many years – for so many years I lived with the thought that my father was a low drunk because of me (I got the idea when I was 5 and my father came home so drunk that he kept shouting at me, at the end slapped me and shouted at me something like I shouldn’t have been born and then left), I’m not going to allow them destroy my life, my family’s life, the life that we rebuilt for ourselves so hard… So yeah… I’d rather be a horrible, cold person than be destroyed again…

I don’t care…

Disappointment is a big part of the process of growing up. Or at least to those who do grow up. I have been disappointed by more than just one or two people in my life. I’ve been disappointed by myself as well, but this too has been a big part of my getting mature, becoming an adult, learning about the world around me. But lately I’ve been realizing more and more that not everyone grows up and that not everyone acts like adults.

I have a best friend – or at least I’ve given her this title as I don’t have any closer friends. I’ll be calling her simply A. So, A has been my best friend ever since 8th grade – our first year in highschool. The two of us have always been so close that we could finish our sentences or understand each other with just a glance, laughing at the same stuff, having our billions of inner jokes, etc. However, lately I’ve realized that A is quite selfish and doesn’t really think about anyone else but herself.

The other day she got mad at me because I said that I didn’t want to go with her and this weird dude that she met through her ex boyfriend – she wanted the three of us to go hiking, but I had to say no as I had to study for a huge exam which is going to be about 30% of my final mark for this class that is rather unlikely to pass unless I do get a high score on the upcoming test. And she was like ‘Boo, you’re so boring’ and she got mad at me. *rolls eyes*

Now, you see she doesn’t have a work, she is out of school already (graduated a 3-year Bachelor, while mine is 4 years long), she has no friends but me, she has no hobbies, she does nothing all day long. So she assumes that whenever she wants to go out I can go out with her as well. Only that she doesn’t realize that I do have other things to do – classes, chores, tests, resting, working out and so on. And even if I do go out as often as I physically can, she doesn’t seem to appreciate it. And her family is not all that great financially (actually they are on the verge of being completely broke), so it’s not like she can afford going out more than once or twice a week. And I can’t afford buying her endless drinks once she has spent her money, because she drinks three times more than I do and five times faster.

But still… once or twice a week… I can afford it.

And then a couple of days ago I had problems with my blood pressure – it goes extremely low sometimes and I end up fainting, being all weak and so on. I felt like I was going to die. My hear t was beating so slowly that I could pretty much breathe in and out in between the heartbeats. I was hardly able to keep my eyes open or semi-sit in my bed. So, A IMs me on Skype and says ‘Let’s go out with P!’ (P is the said weird dude – I don’t mind hanging out with him every once in a while, but I don’t like his… weird attitude towards me). And I explain to her how sick I feel and she got mad at me again. Saying some stuff like… I’m selfish and I go out only when I want, and I don’t think about her and so on… pretty much blaming me for her lack of life. It’s not like I’m her lover or anything, so I’m anything but responsible for her life. -.- I said ‘Kay’ and ended the conversation because she went out with some girl from our old class. *rolls eyes*

And now… three days later – I was busy with Easter, had guests, had some family time, rested, slept in and so on. She did not contact me at all during this time, but I wasn’t online all that much either. Today is Easter so I IMed her our usual greeting about Easter, and there is no reply. She is online. She has received the message. She wrote on facebook. I even saw her online on a forum we are both part of. Yet she completely ignores me. Wtf? Won’t you grow up already? I thought that maybe she was ashamed of her words and reaction the other day, but… is she mad at me?? For having a life of my own? For being sick? Seriously?? She was the last person I thought that would disappoint me like this, but I guess… life is indeed full of disappointments.

I’m quite messed up… I’m part of a roleplaying forum (you can see the link in the right panel). It’s a rather great place to hang out, there are great people, fabulous writers and it’s more than friendly. It’s like a second home to me. I usually spend my online time on that site, roleplaying or just lurking the social forums. You see… I’m quite insecure sometimes… at least online when I have all my masks off (offline most people think I’m extremely confident, but… I guess I’m just a good actor)…

So… there are a few people on that site that I consider friends and some that I really want to be closer to, because if I have to be honest I doubt they consider me their friend… But me being as insecure as I am I just don’t dare to step in those social parts of the forum – some hangout threads, the chats, etc. I’m just horrified of the crowds and if it’s not an one on one chat I just… can’t get myself to ‘walk in’ and talk.

So I just lurk. I know a lot about some people that most probably have never even heard about me. And I just I want so badly to be noticed… to have friends on there, to talk with people… Yet I don’t dare to just post a ‘Hi’ or IM those that I have on my msn and say ‘Hey’. So I just wait and hope someone to talk to me first… which happens rarely… so I end up getting myself down over the fact that I am invisible when I am the one who makes me invisible. It’s just so annoying… Well, I’m annoying myself, but I just don’t know how to get over that fear.

Offline… I just put a mask on and act as if I don’t care, but online… I want to be my true self, so I’m honest and I really need to be honest about who I am, how I feel and so on, because IRL I’ve been wearing masks for so long that no one around me really knows me. Not even my family, not even my ‘best’ friends… But in the real life I just manage to shield myself, to not get hurt, you know… while in the online world everything hurts me… mostly my own stupidity. But it’s… kind of serious I suppose, taking in mind that just thinking about stepping in one of those social threads or chats and talking to people gets me an anxiety attack.

I suppose I just gotta learn how to not get hurt while being my true self. Only that I really have no idea how to do this. How can I be my true self and not let things hurt me when they do hurt me? I don’t think I can keep on having masks everywhere… I don’t want to hide my true feelings. I really need to get those out… And as I can’t get myself do this in the offline world, I do it in the online world, but I end making myself invisible… important to no one…

Heh… as I said I’m quite messed up…

Mornings… I don’t really like waking up early on my days off classes, but when I do wake up early there is one thing that I love – the world is still asleep.

Today is a sunny spring morning. The birds are singing, the air is cool and fresh. Everything is green and occasionally white and pink-ish from all the blossoming trees. The streets are empty. Even the usual stray dogs are nowhere to be seen. It’s quiet…

But no longer. My family starts moving around, slamming doors because they have no sense of… being loud? And there we go – they start shouting at each other, because that’s the way we talk. Seriously. I don’t know how three people (my mother, my older brother and my grandmother) can be so loud, and how I have turned out so… quiet. Not that I don’t shout. I do shout most of the time when I talk to them because otherwise they don’t listen. But if no one annoys me I can stay silent for days.

And then people wonder why I dislike holidays when it’s ‘family time’, and why I enjoy nights and early mornings so much. There is nothing more precious to me than peace and silence. I tend to get headaches easily and listening to people shouting… well, it doesn’t help much. And no… it’s not like we are some always fighting family. We just talk loud, walk loud, exist loud.

And there it is my lovely Saturday morning being turned into yet another morning of slamming doors, noisy people and another headache crawling in my head…

Well… This is the first post in my first blog… Well, not really first blog – I made a few in the past, but I never really started writing in them, so officially this is my first blogging activity. A friend of mine told me that I can talk just about anything and I do intend to do so. But I do think that I want to tell you about me, mostly because I really need to learn how to talk about me and how to open up a lil bit as I usually bottle up everything until I break down xD It’s not fun, really…

I’m Izu, of course that’s not my real name, but it is my online nickname that I’ve been using for almost five years now. I’m 22, almost 23. I live in a country in the middle of nowhere (in Eastern Europe, English is not my native, so please excuse my mistakes). I’m a writer, a graphic designer, a web designer, a computer specialist, a university student. I’m majoring in Computer Science and Programming, 3rd year, one more year to go before graduation. I’m a little bit of everything. I made this blog – the layout is all mine, the codes were customized by me from some template I had on my laptop since forever, so I don’t really remember who the original coder was. It’s nothing great, but I just wanted something that would be mine… you know…

About the graphics… there’s a little bit of symbolism in what I’ve used. So.. I guess I’ll tell you about it as well. The planet obviously symbolizes my world. The Tree is the Tree of Knowledge with all its forbidden fruits that I’d like to get to taste one day. The car is a colorful VW beetle – I’ve always wanted to have one. The Rainbow… it has a lot of meanings – first is that I’d like to get that pot of gold that is somewhere there beneath some rainbow, second and most importantly it symbolizes the Non-heterosexual Pride that I support. I guess that a lot of people would roll their eyes as a lot of people dislike non-heterosexuals, but I believe that it doesn’t matter what are your gender and/or orientation, because it doesn’t matter… what matters is Love. I support LOVE in all forms when it’s pure and honest. The Globe and the Moon… well I don’t believe that Sky is the limit. Not even the Moon is the limit. So, I’d want to let my dreams go as far as possible. If one has a dream, I’m sure they can achieve it as long as they don’t just give up…

Mh… I guess I’m indeed rambling some random and silly stuff. But I just wanted the first post in, so… here it is! I think that I’ll be posting often. Not that many things happen to me, but there are just a lot of thoughts in my head and a lot of emotions in my heart, and I really have to start letting those out before I get a meltdown. Well… this is all for now. A silly post… but still! My very first blog post!

Izu