Izu's World

Gosh… I hate my moodswings… Why do they always have to happen after I’ve had a good time? It’s as if my brain and heart just don’t want me to be happy for too long and just in the blink of an eye my mood goes from high, carefree, happy to low, gloomy and heartbroken. –sighs-

I’ve been resting all day long, watching a Korean series and as those of you who have watched any Korean series know it was filled with drama, tragedy, comedy, love story and lots of bittersweet moments. And now that I just saw the last episode, I feel… empty… I watch those fictional characters and I wish I was one of them. I wish I had someone to love. Someone to love me. Someone to fight with and fight for…

Heh… I guess I sound quite pathetic, don’t I? Whining like a 12-year-old that I want a boyfriend… But… sometimes I can’t help it… Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t I just find someone, fall in love, be in love? Hell! I even envy my friends when they tell me that they broke up with their lovers.. At least they’ve felt love. They know what it is like to be heartbroken by love… I don’t know which one hurts more, but being heartbroken by the absence of love in your life… it’s quite devastating…

I know that there are millions of people who are as lonely as I am. I know that I am not the only one who wants to be loved… Yet I feel like I’m the only one who has never been in love… It’s not normal, is it? I don’t even remember ever having a crush on some Hollywood star or singer or anyone. I’m almost twenty-three… and every time I think about just how lonely I am… just how much I want to experience this thing called ‘love’… just once… even if it’s for a lil bit… I feel like breaking down… Like I’m doing right now…

I’m trying to change my looks… look better… I’m trying to be more open, more cheerful, more… real around people. I’m trying to talk with them whenever anyone wants to talk to me. I’m trying to listen to their stories with interest… yet… no one likes me… no one asks me out… I’m gonna keep on trying to change my looks, get fitter, sexier or whatever.. because I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why people don’t like me.. and the only reason I can think of is my looks… you know… everyone always gets attracted to the other’s looks first and then to their personality…

But… sometimes… I just feel like I’ll never find love… like I’m some so fucked up person that no one will ever love me and I will never be able to love anyone and this thought.. god… it fucking makes me cry like a baby… I’m just so lonely.. and my heart hurts so much…

Gh.. why can’t I get moodswings for the better? From sad going happy for no reason? Why does it always have to throw me into the darkest corners of my mind and heart?! Gh!...