Izu's World

I’m quite messed up… I’m part of a roleplaying forum (you can see the link in the right panel). It’s a rather great place to hang out, there are great people, fabulous writers and it’s more than friendly. It’s like a second home to me. I usually spend my online time on that site, roleplaying or just lurking the social forums. You see… I’m quite insecure sometimes… at least online when I have all my masks off (offline most people think I’m extremely confident, but… I guess I’m just a good actor)…

So… there are a few people on that site that I consider friends and some that I really want to be closer to, because if I have to be honest I doubt they consider me their friend… But me being as insecure as I am I just don’t dare to step in those social parts of the forum – some hangout threads, the chats, etc. I’m just horrified of the crowds and if it’s not an one on one chat I just… can’t get myself to ‘walk in’ and talk.

So I just lurk. I know a lot about some people that most probably have never even heard about me. And I just I want so badly to be noticed… to have friends on there, to talk with people… Yet I don’t dare to just post a ‘Hi’ or IM those that I have on my msn and say ‘Hey’. So I just wait and hope someone to talk to me first… which happens rarely… so I end up getting myself down over the fact that I am invisible when I am the one who makes me invisible. It’s just so annoying… Well, I’m annoying myself, but I just don’t know how to get over that fear.

Offline… I just put a mask on and act as if I don’t care, but online… I want to be my true self, so I’m honest and I really need to be honest about who I am, how I feel and so on, because IRL I’ve been wearing masks for so long that no one around me really knows me. Not even my family, not even my ‘best’ friends… But in the real life I just manage to shield myself, to not get hurt, you know… while in the online world everything hurts me… mostly my own stupidity. But it’s… kind of serious I suppose, taking in mind that just thinking about stepping in one of those social threads or chats and talking to people gets me an anxiety attack.

I suppose I just gotta learn how to not get hurt while being my true self. Only that I really have no idea how to do this. How can I be my true self and not let things hurt me when they do hurt me? I don’t think I can keep on having masks everywhere… I don’t want to hide my true feelings. I really need to get those out… And as I can’t get myself do this in the offline world, I do it in the online world, but I end making myself invisible… important to no one…

Heh… as I said I’m quite messed up…