Izu's World

Lately I’ve been having these realistic dreams that make me wish I’d never wake up…

It’s sunny usually. I wake up in a huge bedroom, white sheets messy. There’s this huge window taking up an entire wall of the room. The curtains are blown by a soft breeze. The view is amazing – endless crystal ocean, a few palm trees, exotic birds flying, bright blue sky with a few fluffy white clouds. It’s simply breathtaking.

I dream of how I wake up from my sleep and I smile as I look at the view before me. Then someone comes in my room – a very handsome man, carrying a tray with orange juice, strawberries and pancakes. He walks to my bed and gives me a small kiss.

I do not remember what we talk about or if we talk at all. But I do remember that soft warm feeling inside my chest. In my dream I know I’m in love with this man, and I know that he loves me too. It’s… odd… really… I usually dream of small kisses, of hugs and smiles – you know… just love, not sexual desire or anything like this. All those dreams are simply tender…

And then I wake up in the real world. I reach out for the other side of my bed, but I either hit it in the wall or it falls off the edge as this is not a double bed. I open my eyes and I see an empty room… and just in the blink of an eye my heart fills with the very same emptiness… And I feel like crying, curling into a ball and praying to be pulled back in the world of dreams and to never wake up from it…

I guess it’s because of my loneliness, because I crave to fall in love… to have someone who would love me the way I am… as neither of this has ever happened. I suppose I’m the only 22-year-old (almost 23) who has never been in love. Not even childish, teenagerish, puppy, one-sided crush on anyone. It’s not like I’m incapable of loving… because if my heart was that cold it wouldn’t have been hurting so badly whenever I wish for love, right?

I don’t know…

I was quite messed up when I got into my teenage years with all the problems in my family. It all affected my confidence, turning me into an extremely closed person who spent 99% of their time either at home or at school, just about never going out. If it hadn’t been for internet I would have gone crazy that’s for sure, as internet and the forums I was and still am a part of have been my only contact with the outer world for long long years…

And even if I dislike the way I look and I’m trying my best to get in form, working out, healthy dieting and so on… I don’t think it’s because of my looks… Yeah, my looks have made me even more insecure, but… I’ve seen people times uglier than me with someone by their side…

I think it is because deep down in my heart I’m afraid I’d be hurt if I let anyone in my heart. And, yeah, I know – if I don’t let anyone in my heart I may never get hurt, but I may never get love either. But then again… I haven’t met anyone interested in me… so… I guess it’s not just what’s going on in my heart, but… other things as well.

I just wish one day I will met this one person who would make me wanna stay awake with them in the real world instead of craving for that moment when I’d close my eyes and escape into my dream world…