Izu's World

Today I’m going to talk about why I don’t like the beginning of month May. But I’m not feeling down like I thought I would whenever I felt like writing about it, on the contrary – I feel calm and I think that I’ll be able to talk about it without feeling completely devastated like it would have happened if I had started talking about it on down-mood-swing.

To begin with…

My birthday is on 3rd May, which is the reason why I hate the beginning of May. You see, for the past 13 years, ever since I turned 10, I’ve always really hated my birthday. I have had no reason to like it. It’s a day I turn older – not a big deal. The presents always consist of money as I never want anything in specific. And even if it’s great to have money sometimes… it really feels horrible to get money for a present. Why? Because it’s just cold… How come your family can’t think of a single present that might make you happy or smile? So I always get a ‘There you go… so that you can buy whatever you want’ kind of wish. It has always made me feel hurt and lonely… I’m not, and I have never been, the type of person who would go ‘Yay! Cash!’ – I don’t really care about money as I don’t really spend much… the reason why I have quite the nice savings and if I wanted anything I could get it right away… But it doesn’t mean I want to be asked what I want and someone to go buy it for me and present it to me… I just want anything… The tiniest little thing… as long as it would show that they know me just a little bit and that it’s personal…

The second reason why I hate my birthday and thus I hate the beginning of May, is that I’m always alone. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I turned 11-12. Back then I was embarrassed to admit to my friends that my parents were divorced and that was why my father was absent, so I just stopped celebrating it… then I just became much closed and slowly distanced myself from them. Then high-school came and I distanced myself from the real world even more… I know that it was my fault for always ending up alone back then, but… I was getting more and more insecure with every next day. Hell… I always spent the first few hours of my birthday (right after midnight) crying myself to sleep out of anxiety attacks at the thought that I’ll have to face my entire class in the morning… And I became even more closed in myself after graduation, distancing from the very few friends I made at school. Ever since then… I’ve been spending my birthday home, alone, online, chatting, crying, getting nervous breakdowns and so on, and so on…

I can’t help but think why I turned out such. Why I didn’t stay the super confident kid I once was and instead I turned into someone who acts confident, but actually is the most insecure person on earth. And the closer my birthday gets, the more I think about all the ‘what ifs’ and all the ‘whys’ of the past. What would have happened if I had been more open? If I had made parties for my classmates and friends? I suppose I wouldn’t have been as lonely as I’m now, but knowing those people… I would have been surrounded by superficial fake friends who do not care about me at all. So… in a way I do not regret what I’ve done in the past… because all the pain, the loneliness, the doubts – they’ve made me stronger, better, wiser.

But the older I get, the more I wish there was someone special next to me. I’ve already written about never having been in love… and every birthday I wish for this. I wish to fall in love even if it’s with the wrong person. I just want to feel those emotions – love, pain caused by love, happiness caused by love. I just want to find this one person who would make me feel less lonely. But it hasn’t happened yet… So on my birthday I get calls from my family, and from a couple of friends… and from whoever is online on Skype as skype notifies users whenever someone has birthday. Lol… But still… the loneliness inside me is worse than ever…

I’m getting older, but I don’t feel like I’m living. At all. I just exist. Day for day, the same routine over and over again. And the closer that day comes, the more I think about the past and about the future. And fear fills my heart because I’m afraid I’ll stay lonely forever. So usually the end of April is filled with moodswings, usually for the worse. The tiniest thing can make me feel like I don’t worth living. Someone not talking to me? Someone not replying to a roleplay? (yeah, my social contacts are 99% online) just anything can trigger my moodswing, making me cry, suffocating, panicking, thinking about how I’d get older in a few days, yet I haven’t lived at all…

I’m a sad person, aren’t I? Heh…

But I want this birthday to be different. My best friend, as annoying as A. can be, is here for the first time in years (she lived in the UK for the past 8 years, so we were seeing each other like 2 a year if we were lucky), so I’ll take her to a restaurant. This time I don’t mind getting money as presents from my mother and brother – actually I prefer it, so that I can buy myself a bike – yes, I want a bike for my birthday just like a lil kid. You see, for the past year or two I’ve been working on myself – losing weight, working hard at school, being at the top 5-10 students at my major [all were about 180, half dropped out by now as it's super tough], but the past month I’ve been taking even greater care for myself – better diet, working out, relaxing, learning to let my feelings out through this blog...

I am changing.

And I hope that this birthday, 3rd May 2010, will be the first day of the rest of my life. My new life. And if you want to wish me something, wish me to manage to change myself, wish me to become stronger, wish me to never have a lonely birthday again... Because really… I don’t need nor want any presents. I just wish someone to remember me. To know me. To know what I truly want.