I hardly slept last night. I didn’t feel excited or anything like this before I went to bed, but still – I kept tossing around in the bed for most of the night, waking up at 6am – nearly an hour before my alarm. I took my time, checking Elliquiy, emails, IMs, etc. I still didn’t feel all that excited, just tired and sleepy. I managed to get to the bus station just on time to buy the last ticket for this route and I got to sit next to the window :3
A little over three hours, passing through tons of endless meadows, seeing an amazing field with sunflowers all the way to the horizon, I finally got to the small town where the resort is. Somehow I managed to find the resort without asking for directions and was accommodated right away… Only that it wasn’t all that easy x’D I ended up being put in a room without AC (which is not a big surprise as the resort is mainly ski resort, so they hardly use half of the rooms during the summer, so they don’t need AC), so I went down, argued with the morons at the reception for half an hour (they claimed that all the rooms with AC were taken), called their manager (yay for google-ing skills!) and they (oh so very surprisingly) found a room with AC. So I moved to it. And ten minutes later went back down to the reception desk as there was no AC in this room either x’D So another ten minutes later I was finally moved to a 3rd room, finally having air conditioning.
A bumpy beginning, but I hope that this would be the first and the last problem. :]
The group leader ( the one who will be guiding us through the mountains and will be also our gym instructor) is damn cute! :] And damn nice too – he told the chef to change my salad at dinner because I didn’t like vinegar :3
After dinner I went to the downtown – 3 minutes walk, then to a supermarket to buy an anti-mosquitoes spray as we were told that hiking up in the mountains will be a challenge when it comes to fighting the mosquitoes. x/D We’ll see.
Mm… that’s all for today. Not much. But I’m quite exhausted. The air here is crystal clear. It’s still hot, but there is this fresh cool wind. There are some amazing views (this place is surrounded by mountains), so I’ll try to take some cool pictures tomorrow, though I can’t promise about the quality as my camera is shitty and old x/D
*yawns and rubs eyes* And I think about snuggling with mah pillow early tonight because tomorrow we’ll start the day with yoga in the middle of a field ;D
Gh… what is wrong with people? Is it just me or ‘friends’ are really not friends any more? I miss the times when having a best friend meant that the two of you would die for each other, cover for each other, fight next to each other, be actual best friends. But it seems that with growing up people stop being real friends. I mean… seriously… the only true friends I have are those that I have online, mostly because when things are online you can’t actually hurt each other and whenever you talk to each other you first think, then write what you want to say and the other have time to read it, think about it and actually respond honestly and with some thought put into it, when in face-to-face conversations it usually goes faster and people don’t always think about the other’s feelings.
Anyways… this blog post is going to be about A. and how I’m starting to realize that she is really not my friend, despite me being always there for her. I’ve posted quite a lot about her, but just the last week… well, it really made me see how dumb, selfish and mean she is.
But let’s start from the beginning.
We became friends at 8th grade – the first year of high school over here. She was drawing and I was writing stuff, so being both creative we clicked right away. We got addicted to internet together, we spent tons of hours in internet cafes as we didn’t have internet at home back then in 2001. It was great – we were the best of friends, being still kids you know. In 9th grade her mother passed away – lung cancer, and I was there for A. every single moment of it. Because of me all the teachers gave her good grades despite not really going to the tests or failing them – she was going to be applying to a Six-Form school in the UK, so she needed good grades. And of course she was accepted and she left for the UK after 9th grade.
Mind you, it was damn hard to make new friends at school, but I made it. And right now I honestly believe that us being away for so long was what kept our friendship going on, because we hardly spoke, chatting or emailing once or twice a week. But even I got internet at home and we started talking every day, she was always the once talking. Always telling me how crappy she felt, never asking how I was. And trust me – I wasn’t well at the time. I really needed a friend who would listen to me, who would ask how I felt or what was going on… only that such friend was nowhere to be found. Well, except on gaiaonline.com which turned out to be my savior at the time. If it wasn’t that site I would have gone crazy… Roleplaying saved me back then because I got the chance to pour out all my emotions into my characters…
Anyways. I had a huge depression for a year and a half, but she never noticed. I was insomniac, I failed my exams, I felt like dying, but she never once asked me ‘Hey, what’s up? How are you?’ or if she did, she never waited for my reply, but she always started ranting about her ex boyfriend from the first year in college with whom she is still obsessed and she can talk about him for hours. Anyways… Years passed, and I realized that no matter how much I needed her to listen to me for just once, it won’t happen anyways. So I actually started getting online on skype less and less – what was the point? It kept our ‘friendship’ for another year or so, and then we started talking again. Or more exactly she started ranting to me about everything and anything and how crappy her life was, once again never asking about me… and if you’ve known me for more than a week or two you already know just how many issues I have, don’t you? But she doesn’t despite being my friend for nine years now.
She graduated from university with a crappy major (some literature that cannot be used for anything, not even teaching). She didn’t bother searching for a job and she stayed jobless for a year in the UK, doing absolutely nothing. And whenever he sister – a successful lawyer in the UK, told her to grow up and get her life in her hands, A. would start bitching about how horrible her sister was. *rolls eyes* She did work once a week as a catering waitress, enough to get a few pounds to live through the next week, but really… she spent more on e-bay and for beers than for food. :/
Last year in December, her sister finally told her to pack her stuff (as she was living with her for free) and come back to our country and try to find some job here. So she came back and ever since then I’ve started seeing her for who she really is. A lazy, selfish person, who has no motivation to do anything, who blames everyone but herself for her problems and acts like a 12-year-old spoiled teenager. Needless to say she never looked for a job here. And her father is not all that well with money, owing huge loans to the banks, being on the verge of losing their place. But she always bitched when he refused to give her 20 bucks to go out or when he told her to either find a job or go back to the UK. She is lucky that her father lives with a woman (rather stupid, but very kind) – this woman took huge loans so that A’s father won’t lose the apartment, and she keeps giving A money despite having her own needs and expenses, and whenever she tells A that she doesn’t have money A goes ranting for hours just how mean this woman is. Seriously?
This on one hand. On the other A treats me like a given. I have classes, exams, I have hobbies, I work out, I like spending some time on my own, I have a sick grandmother that cannot always be left alone. And what does A do? She pouts at me every time I tell her I am busy or I’m sick. Calling me names, talking about what a horrible friend I am and so on and so on. And what happens when we go out? She usually has 10-15 bucks, which she spends in no time for food – pizza, salad, etc. and drinks and she drinks ten times more than I do, her money ends in no time, but she doesn’t stop drinking. She just continues drinking and then tells me to pay. And this is every single time. I’m not rich. I do not work. I have a monthly allowance that my brother and mother give to me, with which I cover the internet bills in our two apartments, my cellphone, my expenses about lunch at college, going back and to school, buying everything on my own – food, drinks, whatever I need for home. That’s how my family thought me to value money and to know how to plan my expenses so that I’ll have enough to survive the month. Only that with A. my money for the month usually end around the middle of the month and the other half of the month I have to not spend anything. Sometimes I refuse to go out with her because I just can’t afford it and she goes all pouting.
The past few days she keeps on talking about stuff that she has no idea about – politics, the life in our country, etc. She hasn’t been here for the past 5-6 years so she really has no idea how things really are. And she makes those stupid comments and when I try to explain to her that she is wrong and why she is wrong, she goes right away laughing at me and calling me stupid. ._. Trust me. I am not stupid. I might be insecure just about anything, but not about my brain. I’m smart. I’m intelligent and I keep myself informed about everything. But A has to always be right and she always gets into fights with me about those things. I’ve reached to the point where I just roll my eyes and say ‘Yeah, okay, whatever’ and just ignore what she talks about.
And then yesterday she says she wants to go out for a coffee with me, V. and R. – other friends of ours from high school. V. and R. told her that they are free after 2 in the afternoon, and I told her that I’m okay around 4-5pm because I have to go to the bank to take my new debit card, then I have to do some shopping for my vacation (not that she knows I’m leaving >.> ), and she says that she wants us to meet in the evening. And by ‘in the evening’ read – for alcoholic drinks. So I tell her that I do not want to go out drinking, and she goes ‘Well, yeah I can’t afford it anyways’, but she keeps on saying in the evening. And when I told her ‘Fine, just go with V. and R. , no need for me to be there’ – pretty much telling her that if she goes to go then she still won’t have her money-bank (me), so she rants for an hour what a horrible friend I am and how I’m ignoring her all the time and how she will go crazy because she never goes out, etc. etc. etc. But of course she ignores the fact that the past week I asked her to go out for a walk at least 10 times – you know, a walk in the park, sitting for a coffee, just hanging out, she always refused because according to her this is ‘boring’ and by boring read – no booze, no fun. Well, sorry, but I am not an alcoholic. I like drinking every now and then, but this doesn’t mean drinking every single day. :/
And to be honest, I already can’t wait for her to go back to the UK – after two years of doing nothing, she finally decided to go for a Master degree (once again a crappy major that won’t really give her any chances to get work once she graduates). Really… she could have been finishing a second Bachelors degree by now in a much better major, but she said she didn’t want to waste her time -_-‘ And I suppose staying home, doing nothing is not actual wasting of time. Really… if she doesn’t leave for the UK any time soon I can so see myself just stopping being her friend (something that I maybe I should have done long ago).
I’ve tried talking to her about her starting thinking about her future – work, school, etc., but all she does is telling me that I know nothing, that I’m stupid and that I’d have it easy once I graduate as I’ve picked a good major. Well… Sorry, but I was thinking 10 years ahead in the future when I picked my major – Computer Science and Programming, and she picked this stupid literature major because all she had to do over the years was read 10 books and write 10 essays. *rolls eyes*
*sighs* And now I know what will happen when I tell her that I’m leaving for a vacation – she will rant about how unfair life is, how I’m abandoning her, what a selfish friend I am and so on. Well, sorry that I’ve been saving every penny for the past few years and I can afford a vacation. Sorry that you did nothing for the past couple of years and you expect people to give you everything. Sorry that you are the actual selfish person who only knows to blame everyone else. :/
Gh… and she calls herself MY best friend. Not that she has ever done anything friendly towards me, not to mention ‘best-friendly’. But maybe I’m the naïve one, wishing to have true friends like back when we were kids. I don’t know… you tell me… But I do know that A. is anything but my friend.
Gosh… the past few days were literally the last drops that I needed to make myself finally get the nerve to speak up my wishes and make sure that my family would understand. I decided to go on a vacation on my own. I will most probably end up spending all my savings, but then again I have nothing to save for, so… no point at saving the money, right? After all money is meant to be spent. And as I really need an escape from here for a while, I will spend my money on a little temporary escape.
The plan is to go a seven-day mountain vacation on a special program that includes healthy eating, tons of working out and hiking and mountain climbing and riding horses and going down quick rivers and as many as possible adventures they could fit in 7 days. It’s something like a ‘fat camp’ only that it’s not only for fat people, but also for people who seek adventure and love the mountain. I’m quite excited about it :]]
I spent today getting my blood tested as they want us to prove we’re healthy (I suppose they don’t want to risk getting someone sick who might not survive the intense 7 days), shopping and paying for the vacation. It was around 100F so I feel exhausted and I walked around for like 7 hours (about 10miles of going around the stores). Now I have everything I’ll need for the hiking – boots, backpack, some new clothes for the whole experience, and many other lil things.
I did spend almost all my savings and the rest I’ll spend during the vacation as we’ll have free time in the evenings so I’ll most probably try the local clubs :] If I have enough energy to move at the end of the day xD I’ll be taking my laptop, so I’ll keep the blog updated and hopefully will add some lovely pictures – we have quite the amazing nature around here :) Man, I’m excited!! :]]
I’m leaving on 31st July and I’m coming back on 7th August. I really do hope that I will have a great time, that I will manage to relax a little and maybe even lost another few pounds. Yep… first good thing in a while. :]
I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my mind and going seriously crazy or even hurting myself or worse. Yes. It’s that serious. The past one week was hell. But let me start from the beginning…
Now, as you know – my grandmother had some health issues, so I’m staying in P-city to be around her in case she gets sick or anything like this. Trust me. This woman is ten times healthier than me. BUT. But she keeps imagining that she is sick of this or that and trying to act like she is sick. It’s annoying but I’m used it – she’s always been like this, though it’s really starting to get serious now that she is getting old. On top of it she keeps on treating me like I’m not a 23-year-old grown-up, but more like a 10-year-old kid with mental difficulties who is unable to say when is hungry, cold, sleepy, etc. – she keeps trying to boss me around ‘go buy this, eat that’ and so on. And I’m explaining to her that I’m on a diet – and she knows it very well, because when my mother and brother are here she says nothing about it, but as soon as we are just the two of us – she goes on and on and on and on and forever on. To the point where I’ve repeated myself a billion times, at the end getting so pissed and annoyed that I start shouting and we get into a fight and she goes in her room, to start calling me in 10 minutes acting like she is dying because I yelled at her. So yes, the past week has been a never ending frustration-nervous-break-down, because I just can’t take it.
I’m missing a fucking fabulous job opportunity so that I can stay with her, I had to forget about all of my plans for the summer to stay here with her. And what do I get? Being treated like an idiot, yelled at, guilt-tripped and so on. I was so… just… GH you know… feeling like I’d explode if I don’t speak up, so I did tell my mother and brother about my grandma’s actions towards me, and they understood. And supposedly my mother will be taking my grandmother next week or sometime soon to the doctor to give her something for the brain because if she goes nuts… well… I don’t know… we’ll take her with us permanently and I will once again have the couch for me and next year I’m graduating, so really… not nice :/
Friday came. Mother and brother came back from S-city where we are on workdays and P-city where we are on weekends, and both of them make sure my grandmother would understand to not mess with me and that I’m a grown up and I can actually think and know if I’m hungry or I’m sleepy or whatever. All good? Yes, it was.
On Saturday we went out (Mom, Bro and I) and went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant and we talked and all surprise – the two of them decided to buy the very first apartment we went to see two months ago -_- The one I’ve been telling them to take because it’s big, it’s quite luxurious and it’s really close to our other apartment in S-city (as in 3minutes away by foot). But no. They did call me names and told me I knew nothing about those stuff – and it kept going until the very end, two months of go-seeing of apartments and they stopped on the first one -_-‘ But I said nothing and I was quite happy because at least they’ll have their savings put into something. But now they are super… I dunno… nervous I suppose because my brother will have to take a big credit from the bank because their savings won’t cover more than 1/3rd or even 1/4 th of the apartment, so they are both just… not fun to be around.
So, A. and I decided to spend the night in A’s place watch scary movies, drink and just relax. And I did go there and omg… It was great. We stayed home, bought 3 bottles of white wine, watched 7 scary movies, ate ice cream, noodles, cookies, laughed, talked, stayed awake all night long. It was the best time I’ve had in a long long time. I almost felt like a kid for a moment with no worries or anything. We took a walk today that lasted like 7 hours today – we were walking around the city, sitting in the park, walking around the park, talking and it was great. We talked about so many things. And, yeah I know A. can be quite the bitch and selfish person sometimes, but sometimes she really is the best.
All good. We said goodbyes and I went back home. It was all fine. Everyone was in a good mood, my grandmother was not messing with me (though she never does when mother and brother are around, so I do expect her to keep on annoying me starting tomorrow when they will be back to S-city). We had dinner, talked some – all good… But not for long.
Why? Why the fuck do this stupid family have to fuck everything up?? My mother was doing some calculations, but she didn’t have her calculator with her, so I offered her (god, I’m promising I’ll never offer my help again. EVER!) to do the calculations on the laptop. Let me tell you how the ‘conversation’ went:
M: 22.10 multiplied by 6
I: 132.6
M: Ok, now this multiplied by 4.8…
I: 636.48
M: …percent
I: What percent? –confused-
M: 4.8 percent!!! –shouts-
I: The 636 or the 132.6?
M: NO! THE FIRST MULTIPLIED BY 4.8 PERCENT!! WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
And she fucking said the ‘percent’ like 2 minutes after I had multiplied the 132 by 4.8 -_-‘ And she blamed me for being so fucked up and acting like a complete bastard o.o’
Then my brother comes in and starts shouting at me “WHAT DID YOU DO??? DID YOU CHECK THE LOTTERY???”
And I’m like… ‘WHAT?’ – I was helping my mother but I turned out be the evil bastard??? And I was blamed for having not checked some lottery tickets that I didn’t know that they even existed. So the two of them keep on shouting at me until I break down.
Ever since I was two-years-old whenever someone shouted I started crying and shaking, with age it just went worse and now I get those huge breakdowns whenever people shout at me blaming me for stuff like this… really?? Do they hate me so much?? I was like gasping for air, fighting not to break into tears, asking ‘What did I do wrong???’ Why?? Why do they have to be like this??
I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry until they calmed down and like 15-minutes-later my mother comes to the bathroom and knocks on the door saying with the calmest voice ever ‘If you have the stomach flu I have medicines and you’ll feel better.’
Fuck you!! I am having a break down in there and she didn’t even notice it… Great… Really… It’s not my fault that she gave birth to me… or whatever… but really… lately I can’t stop thinking… I’m so messed up – emotionally and everything, I have no life (quite literally), no one really gives a shit about me, and my family blames me for everything and anything and always shouts at me about anything… Would it be better for everyone if I just died or if I’ve never been born? But as for the second is too late, it leaves just killing myself or just dying somehow. Would they feel better then? I won’t annoy them with my presence or my absence or just with my mere existence. They won’t have to take a credit from the bank and my brother will just take the apartment in S-city. And I guess they will just one lil happy family because after I got yelled for the ‘percent’-thing my mother started shouting at me about LYING that my grandmother was acting up during the week because she didn’t act up today and yesterday. And I was like… ‘Yeah, that’s because 1. I wasn’t here. And 2. Because she never does it when you are here.’ But no. I’m a mother fucking liar who is guilty for everything and anything. Always.
I’m just… so close to losing my mind… And ‘best’ thing is that I can’t get away from them – not even on a holiday, because no one will be here for grandmother (who is now perfectly healthy), or move out or anything – I have no friends, no lover, no job, nothing, so I’m trapped… And how long will it take before I get to the point of throwing myself out of the window or breaking my neck or anything like this? Well, I dunno… but I do know that if they keep on doing this to me… it won’t be long…
I really hate myself sometimes… I just saw this sweet Japanese movie – ‘I give my first love to you’, about a sick boy and his girlfriend. Needless to say that the movie had a sad end, but… right now I feel like crap. Why? Because I just feel so heartbroken out of loneliness. It sounds dumb, doesn’t it? But yeah… lol… I told you that this is what was going to happen once my exams were over and my brain was no longer occupied by them… moodswings, loneliness, depression…
And I really wish I could get some help, but there’s none… I can’t seek professional help because shrinks over here are quite few and extremely expensive because it’s considered that only the rich and famous can allow themselves to be depressed, so the depression of an average person like me is considered being ‘spoiled, whiny’ etc. So yeah… and there are no antidepressants on the market… If you’ve read my posts you know that I do not trust my friends and family (with some damn good reasons for it), so I’m stuck on my own, feeling like crap, needing help, wanting help, but not being able to get any…
I dunno… I just… I can’t stand it when those moodswings hit me so hard that I can’t stop crying, that I’m suffocating, shaking, my heart hurts, I feel like dying, etc. But I mean… really? Am I such a horrible person that no one ever likes me? I know that I’m not going much and my social contacts are close to zero, but… I just wish I knew how to change this… how to be more confident, stronger… Really… am I so disgusting that I cannot attract anyone? Even if I don’t like myself I’ve seen people times uglier, fatter and stupider than I am but they have someone with them. How do they do it???
Am I pathetic to want so badly to be loved? To want to be held? To want to just know that there is someone out there who loves you? Wants you? It’s pathetic… really… I’m probably the most romantic person I know, the person who wants to love someone more than anything, yet I’ve never been in love… God… why am I so fucked up???
The first day of summer vacation actually went incredibly well. I slept for nine hours in my own bed and I woke up without a headache for the first time in a month and a half. I took a few hours for myself – got a new hair cut as my hair had gone all bushy and crazy (curly growing quickly), then I went to my favorite spa center and got a massage which felt absolutely amazing and it did got quite a few of my knots to disappear which is great as I no longer sound like a 90-year-old whenever I try to get up from the bed (my waist was/is hurting like hell). So I did feel quite great when I got home in the middle of the afternoon.
I took a shower, I put some nice clothes on and I went out. I had a date with A. to have dinner together as we hadn’t seen each other for almost two months because of all the studying I did. Thankfully this time she did have money and she paid her half (if you’ve read my previous posts you’d know that she usually comes out with just a little money that is far from enough to cover her expenses as she drinks three times more than I do, so I usually end up paying for just about everything). We talked, we laughed, we had a good time during the dinner and then we went out to our favorite club <3
We watched the Germany x Uruguay game there, drank beers, talked some more. It was fun. I was maybe the only person who was supporting Germany in there, so whenever they scored I’d go ‘YAAAY!’ and you could hear only my voice and all you could see was everyone staring at me. xD Fun, fun. By the half time I was already a lil bit buzzed, so when there were some replays on the TV about Uruguay’s goal I screamed ‘NOOOOOOOOOOO! IDIOTS!’ thinking that this was live x’D and that Uruguay scored again in the very same way, so… yeah… ~_~ everyone laughed at me x//D
It was fun really. After the game we finished our drinks and took a walk around the park, talking about some random stuff, laughing.
Oh, and the bartender at the club noticed that I’ve lost some weight :]] So, yeah – it was a tiny lil boost of confidence that made me smile like crazy for a few hours.
Mm… yeah… I got quite the nice sleep last night as well, and thankfully woke up without a hangover or anything. I played some games today, managed to post to just about all my roleplay games and now I’m waiting for the tonight’s game. Go Spain! :]
What a month and a half… Those were definitely the longest six weeks of my life. I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically and psychically. I’m gonna start telling you about everything, so be ready – this is going to be a damn long post, with quite a few rants and topics.
Let’s begin with…
The Exams.
They are finally over. I had so many tests, exams and projects (well, not as many as the first semester) that they took up just about all my time. I’ve been studying from the moment I woke up to just before the moment I’d collapse (usually at least 10 hours of studying per day). I took all my exams, but the last one -_- Which annoys me as the professor screwed us up by giving us stuff that are not from his subject, but whatever. I’ll take that class with an A in September when the retake exam session is (if we fail any exam during the first or the second semester we can retake those in September before the next school year begins as we can move to the next year of education only if we have 2 or less failed classes that we can retake during the next year, but as all our classes are quite tough, all of us try to pass the exams in September). So. Yeah… That professor turned out to be a complete bastard, but next time I’ll be prepared.
All my other exams went great – I have a few A’s and one B, and even with the one failed exam I’m still in the top three (if not at the very top) of my major. I’m just happy that they are over for now, because my brain had already reached overloading and overheating – I’d wake up with a headache every single day, and my usually extremely low blood pressure kept going sky high all the time due to stress and nerves -_- But now! It’s summer time officially and the first thing to do would be sleep! Which I desperately need!
But mind you. The exams were the tiniest smallest of the stressing factors of the past month and a half.
The Family.
As some of you might remember (though right now I’m not 100% sure if I wrote about it here), my grandmother got sick at the end of May – bad blood circulation due to old age that got her fall on her ass a few times (and scared the hell out of me). So we decided to take us to the apartment in the capital so that she will be around us until the pills started working on the blood flow and fixed the problem (well not really fixed as she is 81, but at least she is better). So for the past 6 weeks we’ve lived all together – my grandmother, my mother, my brother and me. Now this almost drove me crazy.
You see… I really love my family, but sometimes they are extremely selfish and taking me for a given or not really noticing me at all, which of course is not making me feel any better.
It all began after we moved to the capital with my grandmother. We three have rooms, and we have a living room and a dining room – it’s a big apartment, however, this place is not meant for four people sleeping separately. So, of course when my grandmother moved in we let her try our beds and choose the one that’s most comfortable to her, and decided that whoever’s bed she would choose, would end up sleeping on the couch. Of course my brother and I told our mother that if grandma chose her bed one of us would move – after all our mother is 52, so we can’t make her sleep on a couch. Yeah, we’re good kids like this. Then my grandmother chose my brother’s bed – all good right? No. :/ It turned out that my brother threw a tantrum (he is 7 years older than me which makes him 30) that he won’t sleep on the couch, because as he said ‘he was afraid that he would break it’ – he is not fat, but he is a big guy. So my brother took my room, my mother kept her room, and I was thrown in the living room. And let me tell you – that damn pull out couch is not comfortable. At all. After one week of sleeping on it, my left shoulder started hurting, after two weeks my neck started hurting, after three weeks my waist was clicking and making weird noises, hurting like hell, after four weeks I couldn’t move at all. My entire body was hurting so badly that I would wake up whimpering, I’d get out of the couch on the verge of crying. So I just stopped pulling it out and started sleeping on the seat of the couch which is tiny. My legs would hang out from one end, my ass would be on the verge of falling. Not fun. I’ve hardly had more than 4 hours of sleep per night, which is not much taking in mind just how much I studied during the day… needless to say that it didn’t help much with my concentration…
But this is not the end about the family -_-
Now. You see, it’s a crisis, so people over here are trying to sell their homes in order to survive, so prices of apartments have gone really low, so my mother and brother decided that it’s time to buy my brother an apartment (I’ll be keeping the one we live in now). My brother has some savings and he has a good job, and my mom has some savings so she would help him with it as well. All good, right? No. :/
We started searching for an apartment in the same neighborhood so that we’d be close to each other in the future. Only that my mother and brother have this crazy image of a big, fancy and cheap apartment… which is impossible. Most of those that we saw are either too small and somewhat fancy and extremely expensive, or big, horrible and not cheap, but not too expensive either, or big and fancy and painfully extremely expensive. You know. There is no perfect place. Despite that my mom and I went and looked at just about all of them as my brother works until late and doesn’t have the time. And every time we would get home disappointed by what we saw, my mother would start ranting about it as if I was guilty for not finding a good place. -_- You know… just the way she kept saying things, with her tone, looking at me, shouting at me… Really… Thanks, mom. :/ Being your punching bag was really the last thing I needed. Not only I got to get no sleep, I had to take care of my grandmother during the day and study like crazy for the exams, but I also helped with looking for the apartments, going to those places with you instead of resting, but I also ended up being the one to pour it out onto. :/
And whenever I’d suggest to either buy something big and horrible (because the horrible inside can always be repaired), because those were the cheap ones and with time it can be fixed and turned into a lovely home, or wait for some more, save some more money and buy something expensive and good, well whatever suggestion I made I was laughed at, shouted at and told to get out of the room. And what would happen? A couple of days after shouting at me they would tell me that they decided to either wait and buy something big and good, or look for something big and horrible and cheap. Pretty much what I had told them, only that now this was their idea and not mine -_- And this happened like 4 times for the past 6 weeks.
Then on Tuesday it got really ugly. After changing their mind for the 10th time, the three of us ended up in the kitchen, talking about what they can do. So I suggest (again) to either wait for some more or to buy something now and fix it with time, saying that in a year I’d have graduated and I’d have most probably got a stable and well paid job (I’m a programmer and IT specialist) and I will help with some money as well. And then I repeat that it’s all up to them as the money is theirs right now, it’s their savings, it’s going to be my brother’s home, so it’s a big decision, so whatever they decide I’m with them, but I will not let them blame me for whatever their decision is going to be if they end up regretting it. And then they started shouting at me for I don’t know what, pretty much ending up blaming me that there are no good places to buy. -_-‘ And I ended up having a huge breakdown, locking myself in the bathroom and crying for hours, almost suffocating. And no, they didn’t notice. They never notice…
I’m just… feeling like I’m going crazy around them. They keep changing their minds every few hours, and they always end up shouting at me. Like I have anything to do with it. And on top of everything my grandmother would start acting like she is sick so that we’d pay her more attention. Which is extremely annoying because there is nothing wrong with her anymore… and really… her acting is the last thing I needed because I do worry about her and I no longer know when to believe her if she is feeling sick or acting sick :/
So the past 6 weeks were filled with stress, more stress, more stress, just about no sleep, absolutely no rest, my family driving me crazy, etc. etc. etc. I don’t know how I survived, but seriously… last Tuesday I did feel like dying… like everything would have been much better if I had never been born…
I’m still quite shaken and I can foresee quite a few moodswings in the next couple of weeks, but at least the school stress is gone for now, and my grandmother and I are back in the other apartment, so the family is going to be together for no more than 2 days a week, so no more cohabiting for long periods of time any time soon…
Yeah… this post turned out long and random… But I just didn’t have the time and the energy to write the past few weeks, so I just wanted to fill in the gaps. I guess I’ll be posting more regularly from now on, so yeah… bear with me <3 This blog is the only place that I can actually let things out… I don’t trust my family, I don’t trust my supposedly best friend, and the people I trust online… I’m just too afraid that they would leave me and/or start hating me for being the way I am if I go to them and rant to them whenever I feel down… so I end up bottling up everything... I don’t know who reads this blog or if anyone reads it at all, but… yeah… at least I’ve said all those things that I normally hold to myself… just the mere thought that maybe somewhere out there there is someone who reads this and knows about how I feel and what I think… it just makes me feel less alone in this world…
Okay… I’m ending this here… for now… These were the past 6 weeks of my life and they most probably have shortened my life with at least 6 years due to all the stress -_- but whatever… it’s over. And it’s summer time! And I do intend this summer to be the turning point of my life – I’ll do my best to become a better and a stronger person :]
See you in the next blog post <3
[[btw if you’ve read all this… wow… thanks *hugs* And sorry that it turned out so long and so jumbled up]]
