Izu's World

I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my mind and going seriously crazy or even hurting myself or worse. Yes. It’s that serious. The past one week was hell. But let me start from the beginning…

Now, as you know – my grandmother had some health issues, so I’m staying in P-city to be around her in case she gets sick or anything like this. Trust me. This woman is ten times healthier than me. BUT. But she keeps imagining that she is sick of this or that and trying to act like she is sick. It’s annoying but I’m used it – she’s always been like this, though it’s really starting to get serious now that she is getting old. On top of it she keeps on treating me like I’m not a 23-year-old grown-up, but more like a 10-year-old kid with mental difficulties who is unable to say when is hungry, cold, sleepy, etc. – she keeps trying to boss me around ‘go buy this, eat that’ and so on. And I’m explaining to her that I’m on a diet – and she knows it very well, because when my mother and brother are here she says nothing about it, but as soon as we are just the two of us – she goes on and on and on and on and forever on. To the point where I’ve repeated myself a billion times, at the end getting so pissed and annoyed that I start shouting and we get into a fight and she goes in her room, to start calling me in 10 minutes acting like she is dying because I yelled at her. So yes, the past week has been a never ending frustration-nervous-break-down, because I just can’t take it.

I’m missing a fucking fabulous job opportunity so that I can stay with her, I had to forget about all of my plans for the summer to stay here with her. And what do I get? Being treated like an idiot, yelled at, guilt-tripped and so on. I was so… just… GH you know… feeling like I’d explode if I don’t speak up, so I did tell my mother and brother about my grandma’s actions towards me, and they understood. And supposedly my mother will be taking my grandmother next week or sometime soon to the doctor to give her something for the brain because if she goes nuts… well… I don’t know… we’ll take her with us permanently and I will once again have the couch for me and next year I’m graduating, so really… not nice :/

Friday came. Mother and brother came back from S-city where we are on workdays and P-city where we are on weekends, and both of them make sure my grandmother would understand to not mess with me and that I’m a grown up and I can actually think and know if I’m hungry or I’m sleepy or whatever. All good? Yes, it was.

On Saturday we went out (Mom, Bro and I) and went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant and we talked and all surprise – the two of them decided to buy the very first apartment we went to see two months ago -_- The one I’ve been telling them to take because it’s big, it’s quite luxurious and it’s really close to our other apartment in S-city (as in 3minutes away by foot). But no. They did call me names and told me I knew nothing about those stuff – and it kept going until the very end, two months of go-seeing of apartments and they stopped on the first one -_-‘ But I said nothing and I was quite happy because at least they’ll have their savings put into something. But now they are super… I dunno… nervous I suppose because my brother will have to take a big credit from the bank because their savings won’t cover more than 1/3rd or even 1/4 th of the apartment, so they are both just… not fun to be around.

So, A. and I decided to spend the night in A’s place watch scary movies, drink and just relax. And I did go there and omg… It was great. We stayed home, bought 3 bottles of white wine, watched 7 scary movies, ate ice cream, noodles, cookies, laughed, talked, stayed awake all night long. It was the best time I’ve had in a long long time. I almost felt like a kid for a moment with no worries or anything. We took a walk today that lasted like 7 hours today – we were walking around the city, sitting in the park, walking around the park, talking and it was great. We talked about so many things. And, yeah I know A. can be quite the bitch and selfish person sometimes, but sometimes she really is the best.

All good. We said goodbyes and I went back home. It was all fine. Everyone was in a good mood, my grandmother was not messing with me (though she never does when mother and brother are around, so I do expect her to keep on annoying me starting tomorrow when they will be back to S-city). We had dinner, talked some – all good… But not for long.

Why? Why the fuck do this stupid family have to fuck everything up?? My mother was doing some calculations, but she didn’t have her calculator with her, so I offered her (god, I’m promising I’ll never offer my help again. EVER!) to do the calculations on the laptop. Let me tell you how the ‘conversation’ went:
M: 22.10 multiplied by 6
I: 132.6
M: Ok, now this multiplied by 4.8…
I: 636.48
M: …percent
I: What percent? –confused-
M: 4.8 percent!!! –shouts-
I: The 636 or the 132.6?
M: NO! THE FIRST MULTIPLIED BY 4.8 PERCENT!! WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

And she fucking said the ‘percent’ like 2 minutes after I had multiplied the 132 by 4.8 -_-‘ And she blamed me for being so fucked up and acting like a complete bastard o.o’
Then my brother comes in and starts shouting at me “WHAT DID YOU DO??? DID YOU CHECK THE LOTTERY???”
And I’m like… ‘WHAT?’ – I was helping my mother but I turned out be the evil bastard??? And I was blamed for having not checked some lottery tickets that I didn’t know that they even existed. So the two of them keep on shouting at me until I break down.

Ever since I was two-years-old whenever someone shouted I started crying and shaking, with age it just went worse and now I get those huge breakdowns whenever people shout at me blaming me for stuff like this… really?? Do they hate me so much?? I was like gasping for air, fighting not to break into tears, asking ‘What did I do wrong???’ Why?? Why do they have to be like this??

I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry until they calmed down and like 15-minutes-later my mother comes to the bathroom and knocks on the door saying with the calmest voice ever ‘If you have the stomach flu I have medicines and you’ll feel better.’
Fuck you!! I am having a break down in there and she didn’t even notice it… Great… Really… It’s not my fault that she gave birth to me… or whatever… but really… lately I can’t stop thinking… I’m so messed up – emotionally and everything, I have no life (quite literally), no one really gives a shit about me, and my family blames me for everything and anything and always shouts at me about anything… Would it be better for everyone if I just died or if I’ve never been born? But as for the second is too late, it leaves just killing myself or just dying somehow. Would they feel better then? I won’t annoy them with my presence or my absence or just with my mere existence. They won’t have to take a credit from the bank and my brother will just take the apartment in S-city. And I guess they will just one lil happy family because after I got yelled for the ‘percent’-thing my mother started shouting at me about LYING that my grandmother was acting up during the week because she didn’t act up today and yesterday. And I was like… ‘Yeah, that’s because 1. I wasn’t here. And 2. Because she never does it when you are here.’ But no. I’m a mother fucking liar who is guilty for everything and anything. Always.

I’m just… so close to losing my mind… And ‘best’ thing is that I can’t get away from them – not even on a holiday, because no one will be here for grandmother (who is now perfectly healthy), or move out or anything – I have no friends, no lover, no job, nothing, so I’m trapped… And how long will it take before I get to the point of throwing myself out of the window or breaking my neck or anything like this? Well, I dunno… but I do know that if they keep on doing this to me… it won’t be long…