Izu's World

I really hate myself sometimes… I just saw this sweet Japanese movie – ‘I give my first love to you’, about a sick boy and his girlfriend. Needless to say that the movie had a sad end, but… right now I feel like crap. Why? Because I just feel so heartbroken out of loneliness. It sounds dumb, doesn’t it? But yeah… lol… I told you that this is what was going to happen once my exams were over and my brain was no longer occupied by them… moodswings, loneliness, depression…

And I really wish I could get some help, but there’s none… I can’t seek professional help because shrinks over here are quite few and extremely expensive because it’s considered that only the rich and famous can allow themselves to be depressed, so the depression of an average person like me is considered being ‘spoiled, whiny’ etc. So yeah… and there are no antidepressants on the market… If you’ve read my posts you know that I do not trust my friends and family (with some damn good reasons for it), so I’m stuck on my own, feeling like crap, needing help, wanting help, but not being able to get any…

I dunno… I just… I can’t stand it when those moodswings hit me so hard that I can’t stop crying, that I’m suffocating, shaking, my heart hurts, I feel like dying, etc. But I mean… really? Am I such a horrible person that no one ever likes me? I know that I’m not going much and my social contacts are close to zero, but… I just wish I knew how to change this… how to be more confident, stronger… Really… am I so disgusting that I cannot attract anyone? Even if I don’t like myself I’ve seen people times uglier, fatter and stupider than I am but they have someone with them. How do they do it???

Am I pathetic to want so badly to be loved? To want to be held? To want to just know that there is someone out there who loves you? Wants you? It’s pathetic… really… I’m probably the most romantic person I know, the person who wants to love someone more than anything, yet I’ve never been in love… God… why am I so fucked up???