Izu's World

What a month and a half… Those were definitely the longest six weeks of my life. I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically and psychically. I’m gonna start telling you about everything, so be ready – this is going to be a damn long post, with quite a few rants and topics.

Let’s begin with…

The Exams.

They are finally over. I had so many tests, exams and projects (well, not as many as the first semester) that they took up just about all my time. I’ve been studying from the moment I woke up to just before the moment I’d collapse (usually at least 10 hours of studying per day). I took all my exams, but the last one -_- Which annoys me as the professor screwed us up by giving us stuff that are not from his subject, but whatever. I’ll take that class with an A in September when the retake exam session is (if we fail any exam during the first or the second semester we can retake those in September before the next school year begins as we can move to the next year of education only if we have 2 or less failed classes that we can retake during the next year, but as all our classes are quite tough, all of us try to pass the exams in September). So. Yeah… That professor turned out to be a complete bastard, but next time I’ll be prepared.

All my other exams went great – I have a few A’s and one B, and even with the one failed exam I’m still in the top three (if not at the very top) of my major. I’m just happy that they are over for now, because my brain had already reached overloading and overheating – I’d wake up with a headache every single day, and my usually extremely low blood pressure kept going sky high all the time due to stress and nerves -_- But now! It’s summer time officially and the first thing to do would be sleep! Which I desperately need!

But mind you. The exams were the tiniest smallest of the stressing factors of the past month and a half.

The Family.

As some of you might remember (though right now I’m not 100% sure if I wrote about it here), my grandmother got sick at the end of May – bad blood circulation due to old age that got her fall on her ass a few times (and scared the hell out of me). So we decided to take us to the apartment in the capital so that she will be around us until the pills started working on the blood flow and fixed the problem (well not really fixed as she is 81, but at least she is better). So for the past 6 weeks we’ve lived all together – my grandmother, my mother, my brother and me. Now this almost drove me crazy.

You see… I really love my family, but sometimes they are extremely selfish and taking me for a given or not really noticing me at all, which of course is not making me feel any better.

It all began after we moved to the capital with my grandmother. We three have rooms, and we have a living room and a dining room – it’s a big apartment, however, this place is not meant for four people sleeping separately. So, of course when my grandmother moved in we let her try our beds and choose the one that’s most comfortable to her, and decided that whoever’s bed she would choose, would end up sleeping on the couch. Of course my brother and I told our mother that if grandma chose her bed one of us would move – after all our mother is 52, so we can’t make her sleep on a couch. Yeah, we’re good kids like this. Then my grandmother chose my brother’s bed – all good right? No. :/ It turned out that my brother threw a tantrum (he is 7 years older than me which makes him 30) that he won’t sleep on the couch, because as he said ‘he was afraid that he would break it’ – he is not fat, but he is a big guy. So my brother took my room, my mother kept her room, and I was thrown in the living room. And let me tell you – that damn pull out couch is not comfortable. At all. After one week of sleeping on it, my left shoulder started hurting, after two weeks my neck started hurting, after three weeks my waist was clicking and making weird noises, hurting like hell, after four weeks I couldn’t move at all. My entire body was hurting so badly that I would wake up whimpering, I’d get out of the couch on the verge of crying. So I just stopped pulling it out and started sleeping on the seat of the couch which is tiny. My legs would hang out from one end, my ass would be on the verge of falling. Not fun. I’ve hardly had more than 4 hours of sleep per night, which is not much taking in mind just how much I studied during the day… needless to say that it didn’t help much with my concentration…

But this is not the end about the family -_-

Now. You see, it’s a crisis, so people over here are trying to sell their homes in order to survive, so prices of apartments have gone really low, so my mother and brother decided that it’s time to buy my brother an apartment (I’ll be keeping the one we live in now). My brother has some savings and he has a good job, and my mom has some savings so she would help him with it as well. All good, right? No. :/

We started searching for an apartment in the same neighborhood so that we’d be close to each other in the future. Only that my mother and brother have this crazy image of a big, fancy and cheap apartment… which is impossible. Most of those that we saw are either too small and somewhat fancy and extremely expensive, or big, horrible and not cheap, but not too expensive either, or big and fancy and painfully extremely expensive. You know. There is no perfect place. Despite that my mom and I went and looked at just about all of them as my brother works until late and doesn’t have the time. And every time we would get home disappointed by what we saw, my mother would start ranting about it as if I was guilty for not finding a good place. -_- You know… just the way she kept saying things, with her tone, looking at me, shouting at me… Really… Thanks, mom. :/ Being your punching bag was really the last thing I needed. Not only I got to get no sleep, I had to take care of my grandmother during the day and study like crazy for the exams, but I also helped with looking for the apartments, going to those places with you instead of resting, but I also ended up being the one to pour it out onto. :/

And whenever I’d suggest to either buy something big and horrible (because the horrible inside can always be repaired), because those were the cheap ones and with time it can be fixed and turned into a lovely home, or wait for some more, save some more money and buy something expensive and good, well whatever suggestion I made I was laughed at, shouted at and told to get out of the room. And what would happen? A couple of days after shouting at me they would tell me that they decided to either wait and buy something big and good, or look for something big and horrible and cheap. Pretty much what I had told them, only that now this was their idea and not mine -_- And this happened like 4 times for the past 6 weeks.

Then on Tuesday it got really ugly. After changing their mind for the 10th time, the three of us ended up in the kitchen, talking about what they can do. So I suggest (again) to either wait for some more or to buy something now and fix it with time, saying that in a year I’d have graduated and I’d have most probably got a stable and well paid job (I’m a programmer and IT specialist) and I will help with some money as well. And then I repeat that it’s all up to them as the money is theirs right now, it’s their savings, it’s going to be my brother’s home, so it’s a big decision, so whatever they decide I’m with them, but I will not let them blame me for whatever their decision is going to be if they end up regretting it. And then they started shouting at me for I don’t know what, pretty much ending up blaming me that there are no good places to buy. -_-‘ And I ended up having a huge breakdown, locking myself in the bathroom and crying for hours, almost suffocating. And no, they didn’t notice. They never notice…

I’m just… feeling like I’m going crazy around them. They keep changing their minds every few hours, and they always end up shouting at me. Like I have anything to do with it. And on top of everything my grandmother would start acting like she is sick so that we’d pay her more attention. Which is extremely annoying because there is nothing wrong with her anymore… and really… her acting is the last thing I needed because I do worry about her and I no longer know when to believe her if she is feeling sick or acting sick :/

So the past 6 weeks were filled with stress, more stress, more stress, just about no sleep, absolutely no rest, my family driving me crazy, etc. etc. etc. I don’t know how I survived, but seriously… last Tuesday I did feel like dying… like everything would have been much better if I had never been born…

I’m still quite shaken and I can foresee quite a few moodswings in the next couple of weeks, but at least the school stress is gone for now, and my grandmother and I are back in the other apartment, so the family is going to be together for no more than 2 days a week, so no more cohabiting for long periods of time any time soon…

Yeah… this post turned out long and random… But I just didn’t have the time and the energy to write the past few weeks, so I just wanted to fill in the gaps. I guess I’ll be posting more regularly from now on, so yeah… bear with me <3 This blog is the only place that I can actually let things out… I don’t trust my family, I don’t trust my supposedly best friend, and the people I trust online… I’m just too afraid that they would leave me and/or start hating me for being the way I am if I go to them and rant to them whenever I feel down… so I end up bottling up everything... I don’t know who reads this blog or if anyone reads it at all, but… yeah… at least I’ve said all those things that I normally hold to myself… just the mere thought that maybe somewhere out there there is someone who reads this and knows about how I feel and what I think… it just makes me feel less alone in this world…

Okay… I’m ending this here… for now… These were the past 6 weeks of my life and they most probably have shortened my life with at least 6 years due to all the stress -_- but whatever… it’s over. And it’s summer time! And I do intend this summer to be the turning point of my life – I’ll do my best to become a better and a stronger person :]

See you in the next blog post <3

[[btw if you’ve read all this… wow… thanks *hugs* And sorry that it turned out so long and so jumbled up]]