Oh man… The past week or so has been so mentally exhausting… My grandma got sick (which freaked the hell out of me, but I managed to stay calm and take care of the situation), so we brought her to our apartment in the capital, where I usually live on my own at this time of the year because of the exams and my need to concentrate on nothing else but my studies. However, I don’t see this happening this semester. We’ll be all in the apartment in the capital for the next month and a half – my mother, brother and grandmother. My brother and mother usually are not much of a bother because they go out early and come back home late from work, but… I really don’t know how I’ll manage to study with my grandmother around here all the time – she is the type who still thinks that I’m a lil kid that has to have lunch at 12 at noon, dress warmly not to get a cold, even when outside is damn hot, and so on. It drives me crazy… but I tried to make it clear to her that she would better not take me for an infantile -_-
So… yeah… I’m quite stressed. My exams are coming closer and closer – first one is on Friday, but it shouldn’t be a problem as it is just a paper defense. But after that starts the horror… I will have exams on 8th, 9th,12th,14th,18th,28th,and 8th July, so yet another month of stress and studying… I don’t know if I’ll make it… I really want to… I don’t want to have exams for the September retake exam session. I want to have my summer free for myself – either just rest, or start a job, but… just not studying. *sighs* But I’ll survive – I always do.
Lately I’ve been waking up with a horrible headache, which I suppose is due to the fact that I’ve started clenching my teeth at night – I caught myself doing it a few times the past few days. It’s horrible and I don’t know how to stop doing it. I guess it’s from stress, but… how can I not be stressed at a situation like this? On top of everything A. keeps on bugging me with guilt trips about what a horrible person I am and so on.. which is not true, I know it, but it just adds to my stress. I just have no one to let it out to, but this blog. I don’t know if anyone’s reading it, but… yeah… I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it and breaking down. I honestly don’t know how to relax… everything stresses me out. Everything makes me think that I’m a horrible person. Like I log into my msn and despite everyone being online, no one IMs me. I IM people and they don’t IM me back and I directly assume that they hate me or something like this, which is not true, I know it, but… I dunno… all my life I’ve been no one to anyone. No one has really given a shit about me. People just assume things and never really ask me how I feel or why I feel and act the way I do. I just need friends who wouldn’t judge me and hate me when I feel down… but the thing is that every time I try to talk to anyone (mostly online, because I have only A. as a rl friend and I guess you already know that she is not the best of a friend), I just… freeze… I don’t want to annoy people. I don’t want them to think what a horrible person I am to feel down like this… but I can’t help it… So I’m just being torn between feeling like crap, all invisible to everyone, and wanting to talk with people, but being terrified to approach them…
And this just adds to the stress… Is it so horrible of me to want a friend I can go to whenever I feel bad? Whenever I need someone to tell me that everything will be fine?
Please… notice me… I need you…
Oh. My. God! Are you F-ing kidding me??? Gh! I’m way too pissed at the moment to even write this out coherently and with details! In short A. is blaming me for not giving her enough sympathy when she had a fight with her dad! Seriously?! What sympathy?? The guy just LOLed at her for doing nothing all day long and told her that she is a failure (which she pretty much is if I have to be honest – no job, no desire for a job, graduated a damn easy and pointless major that can get her NO job whatsoever, she sleeps until 1pm, eats from the food her father gives her, does nothing – no chores, no hobbies, NOTHING), she told him that he was a failure too, then he got mad at her and went to his room. Seriously?? And she wants sympathy? For what? For being a fucking spoiled brat? Yeah, she had a hard life, so did I, so did just about anyone on the planet, but this doesn’t mean that she has the right to behave like this. And when I told her that I can see her father’s point, she said ‘Oh, great, so much for friendship then’. Seriously? LOL! I’m so annoyed! She’s not even asking how I am – and I am sick, and I am freaking studying, and I’m trying to study while she is non-stop bothering me on skype or on my phone even when I’ve put the ‘don’t bother me I’m studying’ sign. Seriously? Why should I give you sympathy when you’re acting like a 12-year-old brat??
GH! And of course in the end I’d be the bad guy. *rolls eyes* Not that I care anymore what she thinks about me, because she pretty much thinks that I’m this heartless person who doesn’t give a damn about her (not that she had shown any signs of caring about me in the past… I dunno… 5 years??)
Just GH!
||Day 9 of the 90-day diet||
Gh… I’m sick… Well, I’m better than yesterday, but I still feel horrible. My head doesn’t stop hurting despite my temperature having gone back to normal. And I feel dizzy. -_- I hate this freaking weather… It’s not normal. One day is 30C and in a couple of days it drops to 8C and freaking cold wind. And I wanted to workout these days… but I can’t even workout at home, not to mention going out biking. Gh!
On top I have to start studying, because I have a paper due to 4th June + a paper defense during the lectures on that day. And before that I have two tests on 28th May, and after that my finals begin and they will last for a month… Needless to say that I’m starting to get extremely stressed. I feel like crying at the thought of the upcoming exams… I just want it to be over… and it hasn’t even started…
And I’ve already written that stupid paper only that it’s in English and my professor wants it in my native despite him not bothering to translate his textbook or presentations. Gh… It’s just been a couple of annoying days.
And A. is being annoying as well. She tried to hint that I’m pretending to be sick so that I wouldn’t go out with her. *sighs and rolls eyes* Seriously? Gh!
I just hope that the good weather will be back soon and so will be my health and so will be my better mood! : (
Izu needs hugs and good-luck-miracle wishes!
||Day 6 of the 90-day diet||
The diet is going quite alright so far. I got used to it quickly, which is great. I’m not weighing myself as I don’t want to stress over how much I’ve lost or haven’t lost. But having strawberries for breakfast, eating with my chopsticks… it turns out to be a rather nice way to start my days. I’m so far doing well emotionally as well, despite having had another couple of fights with A. – no need to talk about these as they were beyond stupid and annoying -_-‘ But seriously – sometimes I feel like we’re back in the kindergarten… or more exactly as if she is back in the kindergarten and I’m 23 trying to talk with a 5-year-old. It’s quite frustrating and annoying.
Lately I’ve been having some troubles with sleep despite going to bed around midnight and waking up the earliest around 9am. I keep on waking up during the night, having unpleasant dreams, pretty much waking up in the morning more tired than I was when I went to bed. It really kills my brain and affects my writing. I’m just… muse-less. I want to post, I have ideas about what to write as replies to my roleplays, but in the end I just stare at the blank page and I write nothing. I guess I just should try writing and keep on writing no matter what in order to unblock myself, because I don’t want to leave my roleplay partners waiting for me forever.
I also realized that my second during-the-semester tests are just a couple of weeks away from now, and my final exams are hardly 2-3 weeks away. And it gives me chills. I want to do well, I want to pass them all.. but I am not very confident if I’ll manage to do it. My stomach turns into a balls of nerves just at the thought about it. I have to start studying already, but… I really have no desire. This semester turned out to be quite tiring with all those weekly tests for a couple of my classes. I just want it to be summer already…
But then again I kind of want to start working during the summer, but at the same time I don’t… it’s weird. Maybe I’m just nervous about the possibility of starting working – it would be my first job ever. If I do so I won’t have all that much free time as I wish I would… So I’m really torn between the desire to start working what I want to work in the future and just resting for a couple of months, roleplaying, having some time for myself, working out, and so on… Not that it is 100% sure that I’ll get a job – just that my Social Networks professor from the first semester mentioned that if I wanted I could work in his company during the summer, but it’d have been like 6 months since then, and taking in mind the economy crisis at the moment… there might be no job openings there. So… I’m just worrying about something that might not happen at all. *sighs*
Well, those are my thoughts on this Monday morning. I have lectures in the afternoon and I gotta go this time to get some of the previous lectures copied as I didn’t go or didn’t manage to write everything down. And starting this week I’ll do my best to start taking care of things one by one. So first I’ll be starting preparing for the exams! Once they’ve started and about to end (around the beginning of July) I’ll be contacting my professor to ask him if they are still looking for someone to work for them during the summer. If not… I might try finding another job or just working on myself during the last summer of my college days –is graduating next year-
Wish me good luck!
||Day 1 of the 90-day diet||
Mmm… delicious strawberries…
Today was the first day of my new diet and I feel quite great. I haven’t had any fruits (something I love) in a long time, so it was great to wake up to a fresh sunny morning, go to the kitchen and take the bowl of cold strawberries out of the fridge, wash them, cut them and eat them with my new chopsticks. *grins* It was a great start of the day and I already can’t wait for tomorrow’s breakfast – strawberries again!
I went biking today, going out of the city and down some dirty roads. It was great – the air was fresh, the sun was shining, soon making the day extremely hot, but there were puddles all around, so I’d pass through them every now and then, get water and mud all over me. I was laughing as I was biking – I felt like a kid once again. It was great, really. My bike is now my second favorite item after my laptop. I can truly see myself getting addicted to it. I rode it for 30km (about 18? Miles), for about 100 minutes, which I guess should be a lot of calories burnt out. I hope my biking and my working out would help me lose weight and get in shape, but to be honest… as long as I feel as refreshed and happy as I am feeling right now… I don’t care how much I’d weigh. :]
There was a short storm in the late afternoon so I’m guessing that tomorrow morning would be just as lovely as today’s –can’t wait!
But tomorrow is going to be kind of… nerves wrecking. A. and I are going to meet with our other close friend from high school – V. We were super close for 9 years, but last August V. said and did some things that he should have never said and done, so I stopped talking to him and never really contacted him again, so did A. But last Saturday at my class’s reunion I shrugged the past off and shook his hand. I haven’t talked to him since then, A. did it as she was less mad/upset with him than I was. Mh… I’m not sure what I feel and think about tomorrow’s date… Maybe I’m nervous, but I still feel that bitter taste in my mouth at the memory of what V. said and did. Mh… I guess I just don’t want to act like a pouting kid… you know… I’d rather not have any ‘enemies’, so I’ll just be civil with V. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again, but… I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out together like in the old times every now and then.
We’ll see…
Lately I’ve been starting to enjoy little things. Today was a day filled with little things that made me smile and feel at peace. It wasn’t a special day or anything like this. Nothing good or great happened. Normally I’d have considered it a boring and an unpleasant day – waking up early, studying, going to boring lectures, having a boring test, being in a crowded train… You know, just the usual day in the big city… Only that today I noticed so many little things that made me smile…
I passed by the mall on my way to college and in one of the stores there were Japanese chopsticks – a luxurious set of wooden chopsticks – something I’ve wanted since… forever, but this was literally the first time I saw such a set here. And it had a discount!! Of course I bought it right away and just had dinner with the chopsticks ^^. I’m definitely going to eat with them from now on, because I eat really quickly which is not healthy, and with the chopsticks I’ll be able to both have fun while eating *loves anything about Asia* and I will slow down my eating pace :]
Then when I went to my college and had that silly test one of my college-mates invited me to a party on Friday – something I hadn’t expected to happen as I’m not close with any of them. Of course I accepted right away – we’ll go to AC/DC’s concert first and then have fun in the park. It will be a great night I hope :]
On my way back home I was sitting in the train (I was traveling from the capital to the other city where I live on my days off college), and it started raining, yet the sun kept shining. Everything was so green… Fresh air was coming from the open window, blowing my hair. My mp3 player was playing some of my most favorite songs ever and it had been put on a shuffle so it was picking them randomly on its own. I even saw a rainbow and… it was just beautiful. *smiles* I love spring <3
When I got home I passed by the store and bought those beautiful strawberries that I will have for breakfast tomorrow morning. I’m starting a new diet from tomorrow that is pretty much separated nutrition (check it if you want – it’s known as ‘The 90-day diet’) and I’m quite excited about it as it is going to be different from my diet until now (Dukan’s diet) which got seriously boring after a year of keeping it. And I think that a change of the diet would help me lose more weight as it would be different from what my organism is used to. I hope it will work :]
For tomorrow I've planned to go out with my bike as soon as I wake up - the air is so fresh after the rain, that I can't wait for the morning. I think about riding my bike for a few hours, maybe finding some nice place in the forests outside the city and workout there - I bought a jumping rope today as well, because I read that 20-30 minutes of jumping is about 600 calories burnt! Which is great! ^_^
Mm... as a whole I think I had a moodswing for the better. Starting a new roleplay last night totally added to my good mood today. I hope I'll keep the mood up, because I like enjoying the little things. It's amazing... Everyone should look around themselves and try to notice those little things that they usually don't notice. Because it's quite magical :]
Lately I haven’t been posting in the blog… mostly because I’m not sure how I feel. It’s odd really… there are so many things going on at this very moment, that I simply can’t figure out what I feel and I can’t sort out the emotions and the thoughts inside me. The past one week was extremely… weird and in a way rather unpleasant. Yeah, it was my birthday, yeah then it was my mother’s birthday, the a high-school reunion… but… I dunno…
I’ll start from the beginning as I’m not really sure if I’ll make any sense if I don’t. I already told you how my birthday went, but it was just that – how I spent the day, I didn’t really tell you how I felt that day, what thoughts roamed my head and so on. So, I will do this now. Just as I had told you previously I don’t like my birthday because it fills me with loneliness and sadness – another year older, another year I’ve achieved nothing, another year that I’ve spent all alone. This year I felt like this once again. I kept trying to push those thoughts and feelings away all day long, but at the end I did feel like crap… I guess the older I get the more I crave to find someone to feel the gap inside my heart… I honestly wonder (as in doubting way) if there is such a person…
But I lived through the day.
My mother’s birthday was on 6th May. We had some friends families over, it was craziness, exhausting and annoying as some people just don’t know when to leave or shut up. My mother had a good time, but I personally felt like just telling everyone to go to hell. But once again – I lived through the day. And in the evening I got in a fight with A. – my best friend, or more exactly she got in a fight with me for always ignoring her and never having time for her. *rolls eyes* Pretty much she said that I was a selfish bastard and her reasons were that I never went out with her and always ruined her plans – well, what can I do when I feel sick or I have exams coming over or I just have something else to do? -.- But I got over it too, though it was just like the last drop in the glass to turn that day into an extremely unpleasant one.
And then on the next day A. asked me out to go to our high school class’s reunion. Our classes here stay the same for the entire time in elementary, middle or high school as in… from 1st to 5th grade, there will be A,B, C, etc. classes and you’ll be with the same people in a classroom. So, we had been with our class from 8th to 12th grade – we were A class, 24 people, so we ended up extremely close, so we go out like once a month. So. A day later A. was already all okay with me being ‘selfish’ and was asking me to go out to the reunion – I agreed, mostly because I wanted to see my classmates. Mind you, I was still not happy with A. about treating me the way she usually does, but I’m not the type to carry a grudge or stay mad for a long time, so we went together. She was acting like nothing happened, so did I, though I definitely spoke pretty much only with our classmates and hardly ever with her.
I had a good time, I saw one of the very very few guys I have ever liked and had a crush on – S., we spoke just about anything, we laughed, drank beer, ate ice-cream, stayed out in the park until it started raining and we went home with the promise to meet on Sunday for lunch. I even ‘made up’ with one of my old closest friends V., whom I hadn’t talked with for… like… almost an year now, after I got fed up with his horrible behavior towards me – pretty much V. was acting like A. – taking me for granted, using me and never really being there for me, but V. was doing it levels above the way A. is doing it now. But I said ‘Whatever, let’s forget the past’ and shook his hand as I just don’t want to act like kids, not talking to each other. Mind you – I doubt we’ll ever be friends at all, but at least we can stay civil you know… So the night ended up quite nicely and so did the lunch yesterday.
I love those guys… And sometimes I really wish I had been different at high school and that I had managed to stay close with them. But I had always been the outsider… Well, S. did say that I’ve changed and he said it with a smile, which I take for a compliment as I used to use sarcasm and humor as a protective shield, being a rather annoying at times funny person. I’m trying to be more honest in the real life as well. It made me smile really… And it made me regret the past. If only I had been different… if only…
Last night I felt as lonely as I hadn’t in a long time – just empty, thinking nothing, feeling nothing… you know… the way you feel like when you need someone to hug you but there is no one. I just… wish I could be more open in direct conversations – go to those I consider friends both in the online and the offline worlds, and just talk with them, let them know how I feel… but I can’t… not yet… for now all I can do is do little stupid hints that no one can really get – changing my msn signature, posting in threads on Elliquiy saying stuff that if you are not in my head you just can’t see that they are hints about how I feel… Well, pretty much I’m doing useless stuff and then making myself feel like no one gives a shit about how I feel, but I never really tell anyone how I feel, so no one can ever really tell how I feel… it’s a never ending cycle. It’s one of the things I need to learn how to do – getting over myself, not bringing myself down, not hurting myself in the way I do, but… I guess it’s just my lack of confidence and my need for attention that make me do those things… *sighs* sometimes I feel like a 13-year-old emo kid -_-‘ And it’s freaking annoying.
All I want is to become someone who is happy with the way they are… I started with the physical looks – working out, eating healthy, etc, but… I do wonder if I’ll be happy with myself if I get to look better… Maybe I’m just once again trying to make people like me, hoping that if they like me I won’t feel that lonely even if it’s just fake and superficial… Heh… I’m pathetic, aren’t I?
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday.
It started with a fight with my brother just at midnight, him blaming me that he couldn’t find his phone’s charger, calling me some names and slamming the door of his room in my face. Needless to say I ended up in bed on the verge of tears, quite upset. Great start -.-
But in the morning things were alright, mostly because everyone had left for work and it was just me and my grandma. She wished me a happy birthday and I started getting ready to go out with my best friend. I went out wearing some new clothes, the jeans a size smaller than my old ones (yay for losing weight!) and I did feel quite alright as it was a sunny warm day. If I had to be honest I was a bit… loss of a reaction at my friend’s present – a handmade coffee mug… Er.. it’s personal and she made it, so it was really sweet, though… I kind of felt like I’m getting a present from a five-year-old. But – whatever, I don’t really care for the presents (only that it really wasn’t something for me – I don’t drink coffee as I used to be insomniac and it makes my blood pressure go weird… she should have known that…)
Anyways!
We went to a nice restaurant, had lunch, talked some and then went to the cinema. We saw Iron Man 2 and it was quite nice. I liked it. I ate popcorn, which I shouldn’t have done because of my diet, but… I just wanted some! xD After the movie we walked around some more, then went home.
It really wasn’t anything special. Just an ordinary day. But I was really happy to get birthday wishes from so many of my online friends, even from people with whom I’ve hardly talked with. I suppose that if it wasn’t for my online friends I wouldn’t have enjoyed my day so much, but… it felt great to see that people actually remember me and are nice to me and are wishing me a happy birthday. I’m still smiling.
And I guess I will remember my 23rd birthday as a sunny spring day filled with smiles.
Last night… it was quite breaking down to me. I wondered if my family knew me at all. I doubt that they know everything about me, I even doubt that they know half about me, but I do hope that they know me just a little bit… But last night I felt like my mother really knows nothing about me. Or if she did… well… she said things that sounded rather cold at least to me. If anyone else had heard them they wouldn’t have noticed anything about them, but my mother should know me, right? She should know that what she said and how she said it hurt me, right? I’m not going to talk about it, because last night I felt like I was suffocating from pain. My heart hurt, I was on the verge of tears… it was horrible. Anxiety attack to the max.
But I’m not gonna talk about it. I’m not going to think about it. I’ll just forget it and assume that she hadn’t meant saying those things the way she did. It’s in the past.
Today I’m going to talk about the thing that made me forget about all the pain in my heart, made me smile, made me happy for the first time in a long time. Today I spent a lot of my savings to buy a bike.
It’s a Cross Sprinter Special Edition Mountain Bike. 
• Fork: Zoom
• Frame: Oversize 6061 alloy tubing, detachable rear gear hanger.
• 580 Suspension with 80mm travel. Oversize alloy legs and one piece lowers. Adjustable preload.
• Frame Size :19" with a 23" top tube.
• Wheel Size :26" Crosser X-Pose 36 hole deep section rims. Quick release front & rear alloy hubs. Rear cassette hub. Kenda blackwall tyres.
• Gear System : Shimano 24 speed STI button shifters. Shimano Front SIS & Acera rear derailleurs.
• Chainset Specification: Shimano chainset with alloy cranks, chainguard and sealed cartridge BB .
• Brakes: Front Promax cable disc brakes Front and Rear. Shimano STI Brake levers.
• Handlebar and Stem: Zoom 1 1/8" Aheadset stem and riser ATB handlebars.
• Frame Colour: Matt Black
• Fork Colour :Matt Black
• Weight:15kgs
I felt like a kid! I was so happy that I couldn’t stop grinning while the guy at the bike store was putting it together. I even got a 10% off the price and got a helmet for free! As soon as I got on it I felt… amazing. I got home to change as I was in jeans and my leather jacket and I felt like dying of heat (it went 29C over here at noon and afternoon), and as soon as I had some lighter clothes on I went out. I biked for like two hours, all around the city, speeding up, slowing down, making quick turns, going down dusty forgotten roads… It was amazing! I hadn’t biked for almost eight years since my old bike broke, but I guess it’s true what they say – once you learn you never forget.
It felt amazing. It chased away all the gloomy thoughts and all the bad emotions. I felt free. I feel happy. I’m still excited about getting the bike! It’ll not only help me in workout, but it will be one more way to chill and just escape.
Last night was horrible, but today was a great day!
I even rode on it without hands! *laughs* I told you – I feel like a kid! :)
