Izu's World

Oh man… The past week or so has been so mentally exhausting… My grandma got sick (which freaked the hell out of me, but I managed to stay calm and take care of the situation), so we brought her to our apartment in the capital, where I usually live on my own at this time of the year because of the exams and my need to concentrate on nothing else but my studies. However, I don’t see this happening this semester. We’ll be all in the apartment in the capital for the next month and a half – my mother, brother and grandmother. My brother and mother usually are not much of a bother because they go out early and come back home late from work, but… I really don’t know how I’ll manage to study with my grandmother around here all the time – she is the type who still thinks that I’m a lil kid that has to have lunch at 12 at noon, dress warmly not to get a cold, even when outside is damn hot, and so on. It drives me crazy… but I tried to make it clear to her that she would better not take me for an infantile -_-

So… yeah… I’m quite stressed. My exams are coming closer and closer – first one is on Friday, but it shouldn’t be a problem as it is just a paper defense. But after that starts the horror… I will have exams on 8th, 9th,12th,14th,18th,28th,and 8th July, so yet another month of stress and studying… I don’t know if I’ll make it… I really want to… I don’t want to have exams for the September retake exam session. I want to have my summer free for myself – either just rest, or start a job, but… just not studying. *sighs* But I’ll survive – I always do.

Lately I’ve been waking up with a horrible headache, which I suppose is due to the fact that I’ve started clenching my teeth at night – I caught myself doing it a few times the past few days. It’s horrible and I don’t know how to stop doing it. I guess it’s from stress, but… how can I not be stressed at a situation like this? On top of everything A. keeps on bugging me with guilt trips about what a horrible person I am and so on.. which is not true, I know it, but it just adds to my stress. I just have no one to let it out to, but this blog. I don’t know if anyone’s reading it, but… yeah… I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it and breaking down. I honestly don’t know how to relax… everything stresses me out. Everything makes me think that I’m a horrible person. Like I log into my msn and despite everyone being online, no one IMs me. I IM people and they don’t IM me back and I directly assume that they hate me or something like this, which is not true, I know it, but… I dunno… all my life I’ve been no one to anyone. No one has really given a shit about me. People just assume things and never really ask me how I feel or why I feel and act the way I do. I just need friends who wouldn’t judge me and hate me when I feel down… but the thing is that every time I try to talk to anyone (mostly online, because I have only A. as a rl friend and I guess you already know that she is not the best of a friend), I just… freeze… I don’t want to annoy people. I don’t want them to think what a horrible person I am to feel down like this… but I can’t help it… So I’m just being torn between feeling like crap, all invisible to everyone, and wanting to talk with people, but being terrified to approach them…

And this just adds to the stress… Is it so horrible of me to want a friend I can go to whenever I feel bad? Whenever I need someone to tell me that everything will be fine?

Please… notice me… I need you…