Izu's World

Lately I haven’t been posting in the blog… mostly because I’m not sure how I feel. It’s odd really… there are so many things going on at this very moment, that I simply can’t figure out what I feel and I can’t sort out the emotions and the thoughts inside me. The past one week was extremely… weird and in a way rather unpleasant. Yeah, it was my birthday, yeah then it was my mother’s birthday, the a high-school reunion… but… I dunno…

I’ll start from the beginning as I’m not really sure if I’ll make any sense if I don’t. I already told you how my birthday went, but it was just that – how I spent the day, I didn’t really tell you how I felt that day, what thoughts roamed my head and so on. So, I will do this now. Just as I had told you previously I don’t like my birthday because it fills me with loneliness and sadness – another year older, another year I’ve achieved nothing, another year that I’ve spent all alone. This year I felt like this once again. I kept trying to push those thoughts and feelings away all day long, but at the end I did feel like crap… I guess the older I get the more I crave to find someone to feel the gap inside my heart… I honestly wonder (as in doubting way) if there is such a person…

But I lived through the day.

My mother’s birthday was on 6th May. We had some friends families over, it was craziness, exhausting and annoying as some people just don’t know when to leave or shut up. My mother had a good time, but I personally felt like just telling everyone to go to hell. But once again – I lived through the day. And in the evening I got in a fight with A. – my best friend, or more exactly she got in a fight with me for always ignoring her and never having time for her. *rolls eyes* Pretty much she said that I was a selfish bastard and her reasons were that I never went out with her and always ruined her plans – well, what can I do when I feel sick or I have exams coming over or I just have something else to do? -.- But I got over it too, though it was just like the last drop in the glass to turn that day into an extremely unpleasant one.

And then on the next day A. asked me out to go to our high school class’s reunion. Our classes here stay the same for the entire time in elementary, middle or high school as in… from 1st to 5th grade, there will be A,B, C, etc. classes and you’ll be with the same people in a classroom. So, we had been with our class from 8th to 12th grade – we were A class, 24 people, so we ended up extremely close, so we go out like once a month. So. A day later A. was already all okay with me being ‘selfish’ and was asking me to go out to the reunion – I agreed, mostly because I wanted to see my classmates. Mind you, I was still not happy with A. about treating me the way she usually does, but I’m not the type to carry a grudge or stay mad for a long time, so we went together. She was acting like nothing happened, so did I, though I definitely spoke pretty much only with our classmates and hardly ever with her.

I had a good time, I saw one of the very very few guys I have ever liked and had a crush on – S., we spoke just about anything, we laughed, drank beer, ate ice-cream, stayed out in the park until it started raining and we went home with the promise to meet on Sunday for lunch. I even ‘made up’ with one of my old closest friends V., whom I hadn’t talked with for… like… almost an year now, after I got fed up with his horrible behavior towards me – pretty much V. was acting like A. – taking me for granted, using me and never really being there for me, but V. was doing it levels above the way A. is doing it now. But I said ‘Whatever, let’s forget the past’ and shook his hand as I just don’t want to act like kids, not talking to each other. Mind you – I doubt we’ll ever be friends at all, but at least we can stay civil you know… So the night ended up quite nicely and so did the lunch yesterday.

I love those guys… And sometimes I really wish I had been different at high school and that I had managed to stay close with them. But I had always been the outsider… Well, S. did say that I’ve changed and he said it with a smile, which I take for a compliment as I used to use sarcasm and humor as a protective shield, being a rather annoying at times funny person. I’m trying to be more honest in the real life as well. It made me smile really… And it made me regret the past. If only I had been different… if only…

Last night I felt as lonely as I hadn’t in a long time – just empty, thinking nothing, feeling nothing… you know… the way you feel like when you need someone to hug you but there is no one. I just… wish I could be more open in direct conversations – go to those I consider friends both in the online and the offline worlds, and just talk with them, let them know how I feel… but I can’t… not yet… for now all I can do is do little stupid hints that no one can really get – changing my msn signature, posting in threads on Elliquiy saying stuff that if you are not in my head you just can’t see that they are hints about how I feel… Well, pretty much I’m doing useless stuff and then making myself feel like no one gives a shit about how I feel, but I never really tell anyone how I feel, so no one can ever really tell how I feel… it’s a never ending cycle. It’s one of the things I need to learn how to do – getting over myself, not bringing myself down, not hurting myself in the way I do, but… I guess it’s just my lack of confidence and my need for attention that make me do those things… *sighs* sometimes I feel like a 13-year-old emo kid -_-‘ And it’s freaking annoying.

All I want is to become someone who is happy with the way they are… I started with the physical looks – working out, eating healthy, etc, but… I do wonder if I’ll be happy with myself if I get to look better… Maybe I’m just once again trying to make people like me, hoping that if they like me I won’t feel that lonely even if it’s just fake and superficial… Heh… I’m pathetic, aren’t I?