Izu's World

My friends… Lol.. I don’t even know if I can call them ‘friends’ at all, because really… they have never acted like they are friends of mine. But let me tell you about them… The four of us used to be incredibly close. At least I thought so. I’ve never talked to them about my problems, about my depression, moodswings, fears, etc. I know that it’s my fault that I never opened up to them… but it’s not like they’ve ever asked me how I am or how I feel. It has always been like I’m their friend, but they are not my friends in return.

I passed through a horrible depression back during the first year of university. I had to take a year off afterwards in order to pass my exams because I had failed them all – depression leading to me not studying or going to classes, insomnia keeping me awake for days until I’d collapse. But… they didn’t notice… The few times I tried to let them know just how horrible I felt, how I felt like there was no point in keeping on living… do you know what they said? They laughed at me. They called me an ‘emo’ in a joking tone and they didn’t even bother to ask why I felt that way… But they continued to rant about their ‘problems’. And they were no problems. A. was always whining (still is) about her first boyfriend from college who after they broke up and moved back to his country stopped talking to her – and even today, six years later, she is obsessed with him. V. was always talking about how shitty their life is - a lovely boyfriend, a straight A student, a mother who pays for everything… poor V really -_- *insert sarcasm here* and M… well M got into yoga and dzen and went all preachy about how great life is, telling me to shut up with my emoness and stop being such an attention whore…

So I stopped. For a year I deleted all my IMs. I stopped talking to them. They didn’t even try to call me or get in touch with me – such great friends they were. You have no idea just how many times I thought about killing myself back then… but I never even tried… My mind went to darkest of places and I felt as lonely as never… And then I realized that no one would ever care about me, so I should just stop caring about no one caring… And I got myself out of the depression – I returned to school, I managed to start a few friendships there, I started dieting, losing weight, taking care of myself. And when I went back on skype to talk with A, M and V… they were like ‘LOL so you grew up and stopped being emo, let me tell you about MY problems’ and they keep on doing it until this very day. Well… except for M – M is still that crazily optimistic, but I hardly talk to M anymore.. so yeah…

But A. and V. … they only whine. About having no job, when they do not even seek one. About their families being horrible for telling them to get a job. About A’s ex boyfriends who no longer talk to her (imagine that *rolls eyes* ), about V’s boyfriend who is with V for a 3rd if not 4th year, standing V despite all of V’s crap. About each other being horrible people, always talking about each other’s backs, but whenever I dare to say that they are the same they go all bitchy on me… So I pretty much stopped reading what they write and developed the skill to not listen when they talk. It’s the same stuff all over again… They are the center of the world. They hate people who talk about their problems, who talk about themselves, who want a bit of attention when they need attention, but if anyone dares to not pay attention to them, not listen to them… they flip. :/ Really… They are selfish. I know it. I’m already used to the thought that they would never be real friends to me. And even if they claim that they care about me, they never show it. If I feel down, they don’t ask why, they just laugh at me, call me an emo and go on talking about their “problems”. But if I dare to say anything about it like… shut up or just say that I’m going off or watching a movie to have them shut up – I immediately turn into a horrible cold hearted person. Double standards much?

But I’m used to that… and I’m really trying to stop listening to them at all. The last drop was a couple of weeks ago when we sent M away – M is going to study in Austria for a year. I told you about it… When they laughed at me and told that I’d never find anyone to love me. And they were actually serious.

Last night as well… we were having coffee – just me, A and V. And they started whining about how they will never find a job (they are still not looking, mind you). And when I mentioned that they have to seek in order to find one, they turned on me bitching about how I knew nothing about life, how only people with connections got jobs, how I’d have it easy because I chose my major… And all I could do is roll my eyes and think how dumb they are. Really… for the past four years they have always bitched about how many job opportunities I’ll have because of my major – Computer Science and Programming… It’s not my fault that they didn’t think when they applied to university -_- A. graduated some English literature major, which could be nice if she went for it and tried to get a job at a paper or a magazine, though she would have to start as an assistant, which she doesn’t want. She wants to get the best possible job – maybe like a head editor of the most sold newspaper in the world, but without working her way up. *rolls eyes* And V… V. got in a Romanian language major and can work now as a translator, but V doesn’t want to work as one because they are not paid well over here -_-‘ It’s really not my fault that four years ago I spent my senior year at high-school thinking about the future, trying to find something that I’m interested in, something that will keep me interested and something that will be useful, well-paid and needed even in 5, 10 or 20 years. Though in their eyes I’m a bitch for it.

God… I guess I’m starting to repeat myself… but I really can’t stand them anymore. I’ve decided to commit myself this year on working on myself so that I’d start liking myself and on getting closer to the friends from university… I know that it’s childish, but I want to find a great partner, a great job and succeed in life, so that I’ll just get to shove it in their faces. :/

And, sorry for whining over and over about those things. But as you can see my real life “friends” are not there for me whenever I need them, which is really not helping with my opening-up-issues or my crawling depression that is trying to get to me. I feel lonely, I feel tired, I feel like I just want to get away from them and from everyone around me… And I have only you – strangers on the internet, people living thousands of miles away from me, and just by reading those stupid posts of mine it already makes you much better friends than A. and V.

And I need those blog posts because if I don’t let everything out, despite how stupid it is, I will go crazy… I will let the darkness embrace me once again… And I don’t want to lose myself to depression once again. So I’m trying to fight… even when I’m feeling helpless and useless… even when I think that A. and V. are right and I will stay alone forever… I’m not going to let them bring me down… I’m not going to drown in my bottled up feelings and fears again… I’m going to write here, I’m going to rant, whine and ramble here just to stay sane… And hell! I’ll prove them wrong!