I don’t know whether it’s the stress around my exams, or the approach of fall, or just my usual moodswings, but it’s a fact that I’ve been feeling rather down the past few days. I can hardly sleep and whenever I do manage to sleep my dreams are usually quite fucked up and I end up not resting at all and waking up feeling even worse. I absolutely hate it… I guess that the whole feel-great after my trip is finally reaching its end, because… well, nothing cheers me up anymore. I feel like I’m standing on the same spot, not moving at all. And I feel anxious and nervous all the time. My heart is beating painfully slowly or painfully quickly, I feel like suffocating, like I’m about to burst into tears even when there’s nothing to cry for, nothing that upsets me. I feel like I’m falling into a black hole, like I’m drowning and like I’ll just vanish without anyone noticing it or caring…
And I know that it’s not so, I know that I do have friends online and offline who would care, who would worry, but I still feel like no one gives a damn about me. It’s so annoying and painful your brain and your heart to be telling you different things. I feel hopeless, yet I don’t dare to say anything to anyone, scared that they would get mad at me for thinking such stupid things.
Damn it… I just want to be normal. I just want to enjoy my days without seeking reasons to get depressed. But even when I’m happy I always find a reason to get down. Why do I have to be so screwed up? The only time when I don’t feel like suffocating is when I’m at the gym, but this week I won’t go because of the exams (for which I’m hardly studying and which adds even more stress). And I’ve spent the past three days thinking just how lonely I am, how pitiful I am.
You know, I sent away one of my closest and oldest friends yesterday – M. will be studying in Austria for the next year, and I just wish it was me… I just want to get out of here, away from everything and everyone I know. I know that next year when I graduate I may do my master degree in London, but… that’s so far away… and right now I’m suffocating. I want someone to notice me, but I’m as invisible as always. Even my ‘friends’ (offline) don’t notice me. They don’t talk to me unless I talk to them. They don’t care to ask how I am. They don’t care to notice that there are things I’m touchy about… All they think of me is that I’m one big joke…
Like yesterday… we were in our favorite restaurant and we were just talking about someone we all know, who is quite hot and nice and who had started going out with a rather… well ugly person – personality-wise and looks-wise, so I joked about how if I knew that this person’s criteria was so low I could have tried to get them first, and A.’s reaction was literally ‘LOL, yeah, right, like you could get anyone’ – these were her exact words. Seriously? Do you call this a best friend? Someone who would not only be selfish 90% of the time, but who would also laugh at you (in a very serious tone) that you can’t get anyone… And M’s and V’s reactions were to laugh and nod in support of A’s words. Thank you for pointing it out… like I hadn’t noticed…
Needless to say I cried my eyes out when I got home. Thank god that Marg was online and kept talking to me… Really… if it wasn’t for my online friends I would have lost my mind long ago…
But right now I feel even lonelier than before. I feel like a freak. And, yeah I know that just a couple of weeks I was talking about Teo, but… this was a drunk thing, far away from everyone… And an almost one night stand doesn’t really work to make me feel more confident about myself, because still… no one has ever liked me for me… I’m ugly, I have a fucked up personality, but… it’s not like all the taken people are beauties and hotties, right? What do they have that I don’t? Confidence? Is there some big secret that I don’t know… What should I change to make people like me? I’m so fixed on the thought that people dislike me that I don’t dare to approach anyone anywhere… not online, not offline… How can I change?
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