Izu's World

Have you ever thought about changing yourselves? Have you ever done anything to change yourselves? Because I have… Well, actually I’ve always found things that I want to change about myself, but it’s so damn hard to change them at the same time. It’s even hard to change them one at a time. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about those things. Those who know me a little better… or just a little, really… anyone who has spoken with me for more than 3 seconds (at least online) know that I’m quite the insecure person. Thankfully, offline I am quite good at acting and no one, not even my closest friends or family know just how insecure I am (which is really not good).

The first thing that I actually seriously did to change myself was start some diets and studying hard, long before I joined Elliquiy. I wanted to succeed in life, have a good job and money – which is essential if you want to have a normal life in my crappy country, so I studied my ass off, I got back at college and now I’m in the top 5-10 students in my major, which is quite impressive, taking in mind I study only before exams (those who roleplay with me know that the only (and not always) time I take off roleplaying is around finals). Then I started dieting, lost about 30+ pounds for about a year and a half, managed to start a couple of not so close friendships with people from college – at least I have people to hang out at lectures and inbetween lectures. So in a way I’m changing. But not as fast as I wish.

You see… ever since I gained weight (14ish-year-old) I’ve been excusing myself from things because of my weight. My classmates would ask me to go to a sea camp with them, I’d say no, because I was ashamed of my body. Anyone would ask me to do this or that, and I’d always say no, because I always think that people laugh at me for how fat I was/am. And in fact I’ve never been all that fat… At least I didn’t look too fat. I’m tall almost 5’8’’, and the most I’ve ever weighed was about 190-195. But I didn’t look like a ball… I dunno… people usually stared at me and said ‘No way’ whenever I told them how much I weighed. I was just… compact and firm? I dunno… Point is, there were much shorter and much fatter people around me who didn’t have (at least not obvious) issues with the way they looked – they were popular, having tons of friends and boyfriends/girlfriends. So, yeah, I know the problem is always in the person’s mind and the way they see themselves.

Even now when I weigh about 147, which is only 10ish pounds away from my dream weight, I still see myself as a fatty and I feel ashamed of my looks. People say I’m cute, sweet, attractive even, and I hear and see only lies in their words.

So, all this rambling was to explain why the first thing in my ‘To Change’-list is how I look and how I see myself. I’ve always used my weight as an excuse and once this problem is dealt with I will have no longer an excuse to not do things. At least that’s the plan. But to be honest, whenever I workout hard or do any sports I feel great and I like myself. I’ve always been the sporty type – ever since a kid, but around the boom of internet in the new millennium (which was unfortunately during my puberty when the body develops) I forgot about it… Like many others actually. But I’m already coming out of this phase and getting into the phase of actually taking care of my body while I’m still young (because I do not consider 23 being old), so that once I get older I will not have to worry too much about it.

So, back to the things I want to change about myself!

You see offline I’ve always protected myself with the role of the always funny, always smiling and joking person. Humor and sarcasm were my sword and shield in so many fights that I can’t even remember the number. But they were also the reason I put off a lot of potential friends (lovers maybe even). So lately I’ve been starting to just cool down a little and not letting every second word coming out of my mouth to be a joke. A few friends (well actually it was just A.) did mention that I was such an emo for being serious and not joking or laughing at some stupid youtube videos. But what totally made my… season (yeah it was that big), was what another friend (and someone whom I’ve had a crush-like feelings for ever since 8th grade (highschools here are from 8th to 12th grade)) told me about a month ago when I refused to act like an idiot like everyone else was doing and I stood by his side when he refused to do it either (they wanted to jump in a rather dirty and disgusting fountain). So, he said ‘Wow, Izu… you’ve really changed… I like that.’ And he smiled and gave me a half hug. Yeah, I know it is funny, but you see this guy had always been a bit (well a lot) annoyed with my constant jokes and we’ve had more than one or two fights, so hearing it from him in such a sincere way… It just made me feel like it was all worth it. So I’m continuing with this even if I lose a few ‘friends’ in the meanwhile.

Is it odd that I feel like it’s easier to change my offline-self than my online one? I’ve always said and believed that online I am who I really am – no masks, no acts, just me. Silly, insecure, clingy, etc. That’s how I really feel. But somehow my offline’s bad sides are not even seen in my online life, and my online’s bad sides are never seen in my offline life. Isn’t it odd? But I do want to change my online self as well. My theory is that online friends are much closer than real life ones because when it’s online people tell each other everything much easier than when it’s face to face. Even fighting online is better, because both sides have time to think what to write, write what they think, read what the other has written and think about how to reply. While face-to-face goes quickly and usually ends up uuuugly. So, yeah, as silly as it might sound I consider my online friends much closer than my real life ones. Especially since they accept me the way I am – whiny, clingy, etc. I know that my real friends would ditch me right away the moment I get a breakdown, even if it’s not face-to-face, but I just talk to them on some messenger. While my online friends have been there for me so many times…

So, yeah… for their sake I want to change, because I’m extremely paranoid about losing them (part of the clinginess, you see). I want to be calmer, I want to be more confident, I want to not overthink things, I just want to be able to enjoy being with them, being in a group without getting an anxiety attack about people hating me and not wanting me there. It’s really hard to overcome, but I do get a lot of help (especially from my future personal shrink – Miss Marg, whom I know use free of charge ;] ). Point is that it’s just much harder to change my online self, my more ‘true’ self. I guess it will take time (most probably a lot of time), but at least I’m trying, right?

I guess this whole blog post is turning into a big rambling nonsense, but I dunno… I just want my thoughts to be written somewhere. Even the blog was a part of me changing (and suggested by Marg) – it was created to have me a place to talk about myself and whatever is going on in my head and heart, because I tended (and still do) to bottle everything up, but writing here has been of great help. Who knows, maybe and hopefully one day I’ll reread my posts and I’ll see what a long way I’ve walked in order to become the person I want to be and the person I’ll love and respect to be, and I’ll feel even happier about it. Because I’m sure I will succeed. One way or the other. Sooner or later. But trust me – one day in the future there will be a blog post in here saying something like ‘Finally there’ or ‘I’m happy who I am’. But as this famous ad says – I will just keep walking ;]