This is yet another pointless post, but I just need to rant it all out before it turns into something worse than just ranting and whining. So… bear with me…
The past week or so I’ve been feeling quite down. My diet is not going as fast as I wish and even if I know that it’s healthier and better to lose weight at a slower pace, I just want to be done with it and to have the body I’ve always dreamed about. And even if some people are saying that I’ve lost weight, I still feel like the ugly fatty and it makes me just step away from everyone and everything… which sucks because I want a social life and I want to have friends and I want to find someone to like me… but this won’t happen until I don’t put myself out in the world.
And it totally sucks, because all my friends from college live in the so called ‘Students City’ where are all the dorms of all the universities in the capital, and it’s far from my neighborhood (pretty much on the other side of the city) and I in no way can go out with them because 1. I don’t have a car, 2. buses don’t go around past 11pm, 3. I spent all my free days in another city where my grandma lives to help her, so… I’m just watching them from away… Like yesterday I almost started crying when this one guy asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema with them and then hit the clubs – which I’d have totally loved to do, but they are in S-city and I’m currently in P-city where my grandma lives… It’s… just not fair… When will I get to live? When will I get to make friends? How on earth am I going to meet anyone when I’m home 24/7?
I’m actually dreaming of graduating and starting work – which people usually define as the end of the fun and carefree years, but to me it will be the beginning of those years. It just really gets me down realizing that the best years of my life I’m spending home, playing the good kid… And I just wished that my family understood me and didn’t play the guilt trip card every single day. ‘How come you won’t go? Your grandma needs you! She raised you!’, ‘How come you’ll be late? We have to go to bed early, we work, we support you – and you want us to stay up worrying or waking us up when you come back?’ – that’s what my brother and mother tell me whenever I say something about going out. I feel like I’m 13 and not 23… it just sucks so much that my family are such control freaks. They are suffocating me…
But I know that without them I won’t make it… My school is so tough that if you work it’s highly possible you won’t get to pass your classes. So I can’t make a living on my own and move out, mostly because it’s so damn expensive to live on my own… And my mother, after promising to get a loan for me and help me study in the UK for a master’s degree (a loan that I was going to pay her back as soon as I got a job), is now telling me that she will not take one because she has to help my brother get an apartment and she doesn’t want me to leave the country. What?? I did ask her whether she wants to trap me and chain me to this crappy country, killing all the potential I’ve got, because here there’s no way to get what I could have got in the UK… So she killed my dreams…
And even if I had wanted to study super hard to get the needed marks to get accepted, I now have no motivation, no desire… I feel just like I had felt back in my first year at uni – I just saw no point in what I was doing, I felt like just disappearing, like there was no point in living at all… I needed a whole year to get out of that depression and now I’m feeling how I’m slipping back in it and it terrifies me…
I have no friends (irl) who would listen to me… A. never asks how I’m doing, never lets me speak or rant about my problems. The moment I mention something that someone from the family pissed me off or upset me, she would start talking about her family, her problems, that super duper funny picture she found on DA or that funny video on youtube and she’ll speak for hours and hours…
Maybe that’s why I don’t like it when people talk too much… every time someone starts talking to me (mind you, talking to me on some sort of a messenger – people rarely talk to me offline) and they start talking a lot, like telling me a story or telling me tons of info without really leading a conversation – like they ask something, I reply, they reply back, I feel like suffocating… I know it’s childish, it’s maybe even selfish, but I don’t want to know! I don’t want to hear! I want someone to talk WITH me, not talk TO me… I just wish that someone could care about what I had to say, need to say… only that I’m terrified of actually talking to those people who I know would have cared, because I’m scared that they will get sick of me or maybe they would be busy or I dunno… I guess I’m just fucked up…
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