Izu's World

Well, it’s been a while since I last posted here. It was a rather busy period for me with all the midterms and projects that I had to finish – needless to say I was quite stressed. There were a few things that happened the past couple of months that I would like to talk about, just because I’d like to remember those things at the end of the year. Some were good, some were bad, but as a whole I think this post won’t be too filled with rants. xD



~About my midterm exams and my projects~

Those went quite well… Excellent actually (literally) – I got all A’s on the midterm exams, which of course was thanks to me studying 3-4 days for over 12 hours like crazy, but… I made it! My projects all got top grades too, which is great, because the projects combined with the midterms will help me free myself from my finals and of course I will graduate with either A’s or B’s. Though it’s still early to celebrate this – starting 11th January I’ll have quite a few tests and projects before the finals, so… we’ll see what happens. But I do feel confident right now that I’ll get good grades once again… And who knows… maybe getting my MSc degree in London won’t be just a dream…

~About my “friends”~

Well… the drama around them is 24/7, but lately I’ve caught myself that I no longer care and that I can actually just let their stupid words pass me by without affecting me or hurting me. You all know about A. and V. and what terrible friends they have been to me. A. is slowly starting to get it that her ranting is not only annoying but sometimes offending and we’ve talked about those things too, so I think there’s some sort of hope for her. Maybe her being alone in the UK without having much friends, having to work and study hard did remind her that she has to grow up and start bitching about little stupid and annoying things. But V. . . . god… V. is someone I now not only don’t consider a friend, but I actually mock her. She is a stupid, childish bitch. She has little to no brain, little to no consideration for others. She wants everyone to respect her, agree with her, do what she wants, how she wants it, but god help you if you dare to disagree with her. She didn’t talk to me for two weeks after saying that the movie she loves is kind of dumb and clichéd. -_-‘ I now only LOL at her. And maybe I’m turning into a bitch too because I’ve caught myself loving to provoke her and see her go all angry and throwing tantrums because of something I said or did. And the best part? She rants it all to A. and A. copy-pastes it all too me, so I do know all the (false) things V. says about me, trying to make me sound like an even more horrible person. *shrugs* But as I said… maybe I grew up because this no longer hurts me or disappoints me, and it just makes me feel stronger, smarter and better than them. And it’s a good feeling.

~About my college friends~

I’ve finally managed to start getting closer to my friends from college. We hang out together in between lectures, go to the cinema together, go ice skating together, we talk on Skype and Facebook all the time… It’s great. :] We went on a 3-day long trip together and it was damn fun. I got to know most of them even better, we had fun, partied, drunk, danced… it was great really. Only bad thing is that I broke a friend’s camera (dropped it while taking a picture), but the good thing is that I actually panicked in front of them… that hasn’t happened to me before – to let my confident and cool mask slip off in front of people… so they saw me being worried and scared and they tried to calm me down and we got even closer. And I did fix the camera once we were back home and that friend was so happy and touched that now we’re talking all the time. :] I was even invited to spend New Years with them, but they didn’t reserve tables on time for the place we wanted to go, so… it is not happening :[
But still~ I’m happy I’m on better terms with all of them :]

~About my online friends~

Well… for once I got the nerve (thanks to Marg reassuring me that I will be okay <3) to enter one of the socializing threads on E. I still get quite nervous and anxious every time there are more than 2-3 people there, but I’m trying to stay calm – sometimes I manage, sometimes I don’t, but at least I’m trying. And I do get to talk to people more than I have ever done before…

And the best thing is that I found a new friend, who for the past two weeks pretty much saw the worst of my moodswings, but he is still there for me, still is talking to me and is still trying to make me believe that I’m better than I say I am (I still disagree with him on this matter). To be honest I’m happy that I met him and that we started talking, because he was part of the reason why I didn’t get huge moodswings during this holiday’s season. And it does feel good to see how you get one more friend, who is there for you no matter what. *smiles* Thank you, Cap. Your friendship means a lot to me. <3

~About my old classmates~

We had a class reunion on 28th December and it was quite nice to see all my classmates once again. I do see just about half of them regularly as we live nearby each other or we do go out together sometimes, but there were some people I hadn’t seen for years. Well, it was fun and I did enjoy it greatly (plus everyone noticed just how much weight I’ve lost for the past couple of years and were like WOW, Izu! *grins*) and I did get soooo drunk ~o~ And when I got home I couldn’t help but feel that pain inside my chest about all the ‘what ifs’ and all the missed chances in the past. I could have gotten closer to those people, I could have become a part of their group, I could have had a better social life at high-school… A lot of ‘could haves’… so it did get me down… badly… but… with the hangover on the next day I got over it… I try keeping telling myself that if I hadn’t had the past I’ve had I wouldn’t have become the person I am right now… and to be honest… I do like myself… I might be insecure, but when the times need me to I can be confident and strong. I don’t let people see me hurt even when they’ve hurt me badly… maybe it’s just my pride, but I’d rather have them think that I’m so strong that I cannot be hurt than let them see me upset… I’m upset only home alone away from everyone… *shrugs* Don’t know if it’s good or bad or even stupid, but… that’s how I am and that’s what my past made into. I don’t regret it… well… partially I do, but only when I’m drunk x’D

~About myself~

As you can already tell the past few months I’ve been both bad and well, happy and sad, insecure and confident. But as the last hours of 2010 roll away I can tell you that I’m at peace… even if I do feel a bit lonely and I’m a bit sad that I’ll meet yet another new year on my bed… but… I’ll be okay. I know that much. After all… isn’t it more important that even when life puts me down, something bad trips me down, that I do get up, brush the dust away and try to move on… even if I’m a bit limping at times.

I will be okay. :]