Izu's World

Please… don’t read my posts if I’m annoying you or if you find it irritating my constant whining. I have no friends who would listen to me, my family does not care about ‘moods’, depression is not even an illness here… I’m on my own and the only outlet I have is this stupid blog…



Swing, swing, swing~

If there is one reason why I hate my stupid “depression” it’s because it keeps swinging up and down. If I feel great for an hour, then I feel horrible for ten hours. From feeling good I go to feeling miserable. It’s just so freaking annoying. Is it weird that I even wish that I could be just depressed? Because at least I’ll get used to it… you know… won’t have to cope with blow after blow, after blow, after blow… It’s stupid really. Maybe I should check my hormones? I dunno…

I had a rather good day today – I was out with a friend from school, cheering her up because she failed an exam and won’t be able to graduate with us in July. And we had a good time – walked around, talked, decided to even start going swimming together. It’s been all good really… But now that I’m home… I dunno… everything just collapses. I’ve never had a more successful semester (by the looks of it I’ll have six A’s ), and still… I feel like the biggest failure ever.

I don’t know whether it’s the stress of the upcoming graduation, of deciding my future Master’s degree and so on.I don’t know… I feel like crying every time I think about the future. I feel like crying every time I think about the present. I feel lonely. I feel like suffocating. I feel like I’ve fallen in a dark hole and there’s no way out of it. I don’t know. I do know that it’s been years since I’ve been crying myself to sleep just out of some super stupid moodswing.

I want to talk with my friends (my online ones as they are the only ones who would listen to me), yet…. I just can’t. I freak out just at the thought of going to them and talking openly about how bad I feel, because… I don’t have any big problems you know… I’m okay financially at this very moment, I’m okay health-wise. I may not be the prettiest or the fittest or the smartest, but… it’s not fatal either. Yet… I feel so bad about myself that I simply despise myself for being such a lame person. How can I go to my friends and whine to them when they are having real problems? I feel horrible… and thinking about it… I feel even worse. All I want is to just cry on someone’s shoulder and let it all out… Hell! Even here I can’t let it all out. It’s just so dumb…

And yes… I know… my friends are my friends for being here for me… but I don’t want to bother them or annoy them even if they are saying that I wouldn’t do so… I just can’t… I’m panicking just about thinking about going to any of them and talking to them about how I feel… I’m too terrified that I will lose them if I do so. I know that I can be an awfully selfish person when it comes to it… and I feel how I’m slowly pulling away from everyone… I’m no longer going into social threads, I’m hardly talking to anyone from both online and rl friends. I’m not even roleplaying all that much because I get into character and I end up feeling like shit just because I am not my characters… all my characters are loved or are loving someone… and… it just gets me even more down…

I’ll try to throw myself into working on myself now that my exams are over. Working out, going out, even if it’s just on my own… studying for the state exam in July… but right now… really… all I want is to curl into a ball under my blankets in my dark room and cry, cry, cry… I feel so miserable. So pointless. So lonely. So insignificant. So unwanted. Maybe it’s all in my head… I don’t know… but I can’t stop thinking about how if something happens to me – die, disappear, get sick, anything… no one would notice, no one would care… *shrugs* I feel like I’m a no one… I’m a no one…