Izu's World

Once again it’s been a while since I last posted here. To be here there’s nothing to talk about… I had been planning on writing a huge ranting-whining-depressing post just to get everything out of my system… But… Should I? I’ve been thinking a lot about those things lately… Should I complain and whine about all those things all the time? What’s the point? I only end up more upset and nothing changes. I suppose I should just get used to those moodswings and to the fact that it will be a long, long path that I had to walk before I can be truly happy.

What has happened the past month? Well… as I said I’ve had tons of moodswings, mostly due to stress and lack of rest and sleep. I’ve been having exams ever since the last post I made, but… I worked hard. Really hard. And right now I’m on my way to get six A’s in my six classes, which will place me at the top of my major. Quite the success for someone who had once almost got kicked off school for bad grades, no? Five A’s are for sure right now, the last one… well I haven’t finished that one project yet, but… Even if it’s not an A it will be a B. It doesn’t matter… My aim was to get four A’s this semester so that my overall results for the past four years will be above 5.0 (which is above 2.0 UK system which I need in order to be allowed to apply for a Master’s degree there).

Anyways! School is good right now. Great actually. Even if all the stress will eventually be blown out of my system by a huge moodswing – I’m expecting it somewhere after I officially turn in the last project and once I’ve had a couple of days with no studying at all. Doesn’t matter… Stress or no stress… I made it through. This is my last official semester. The second semester I’ll be getting a small scholarship (hardly 50Euro per month – but that’s all that they give us here heh ) and I’ll be preparing for my State exam in July which I have to pass in order to get my diploma.

Otherwise everything is still the same… I’m trying to get closer with the friends from school and I think I’m having a progress – I was on a birthday party last Friday, we go to the movies once a week, we help each other with school… Even if I wish that I lived closer to them and not on the other side of the city… I think I’ll get over it eventually. I may never get super close with them, but… yeah… a little close is something, right?

My panic attacks are still around. Sometimes I get anxious about silly things like someone not talking to me online, but… I’m getting used to it. I’ve been thinking about pulling myself a little from everyone I know online, because I am getting too attached to them and when I get too attached to anyone… they leave me… *shrugs* And I know that I’m often a rather lousy friend with all this constant whining. I would rather not risk over-whine to someone and lose them. I’m always here if they want to talk to me… but I’m trying my best to just not go to them every time I feel like shit. I should learn how to be strong even online. I’ve allowed myself to be myself online, but I’d rather have my strong mask on online the way I have it offline. I can be weak and feeling like shit on my own in my room where no one can see me.

Maybe it’s stupid… but I should learn to cope with everything on my own. Maybe I’m a bit of a pessimist (okay a HUGE one! xD) but… I cannot always count on those around me right? They won’t always be here… Online, offline… people leave. But I will always have myself, right? So… I should learn to be strong for me… If I made it with school stuff, I should be able to do it with my personal stupid dramas as well. I’m sure that if I put my determination into it eventually I will just… I dunno… stop being the way I am… because I do not like the way I am…

We’ll see… Once the exams are over I’ll start working on myself… Heh… God… this post turned into a complete randomness once again. But yeah… I’m trying to say everything that has been on my mind for the past month, and it’s really not turning out all that good x’D

I dunno… right now I feel like I’m walking on a really thin thread somewhere between a deep depression and getting out of it… I dunno… I still feel insignificant, invisible, lame, lonely, etc. etc. etc… But at the same time I’m proud of myself for my results at school and for the small progress with the friends from my major… I dunno… I’ll try to post more often here, posting everything once again – bad, good, worse, better… etc… I need to let it all out every now and then even if there’s no point… Even if I end up feeling worse after I do so… at least one day I can look back at those silly posts and see how silly I’ve been. Heh. I dunno… I’m rambling… And yeah, I do realize that I’m repeating myself and that I’m contradicting myself… I dunno… heh… I’m just tired of being the way I am…

P.S.

Oh... hah... not even 5 minutes since I've finished this post and the moodswing begins. Thank you, A., for bringing up my master-wanna-be-degree in the UK. I do not have the money. I will most probably won't be able to go there at all. SHUT UP!!!!