Izu's World

Hm… Lately I’ve been depressed. Yeah, I know it’s not a big deal or a surprise or anything like this, because I’m generally feeling down just about every day (but then again that’s how depression work and it’s not easy to control it without medications that are not available over here unless you’re a complete nuts and a danger to yourself and the others, which I’m not, so no antidepressants available to the public). Anyways. Point is that lately I haven’t been able to control it.

I’m studying all day long for my exams, stress is building up, the family is not really cooperating or helping at all – on the contrary, they are a big part of the stress, so usually by the time I’m done with studying and I just want to relax moodswings have already taken over me, throwing me into a self-pity, whiny, attention-wanting condition. And not a lot of people talk to me – I understand them as I’m not a great company as I’m feeling down so often, so they are either just getting annoyed or they just don’t want to get down around me. So, I usually stay on my own, feeling like crap, not daring to IM or PM anyone I know and feel comfortable around and like, because I’m afraid they might get pissed at me for being the way I am and I’d lose them… and I don’t want this to happen…

Thing is that around studying I haven’t been having the time and the brain capacity to write and roleplay, thus my reality escape had been taken away from me, so I can’t just forget about reality and my emotions by projecting them on my characters, living through them, filling the gaps in my heart through my character’s emotions and lives… Yeah, I know… it’s sad, pathetic, but… isn’t this what most writers do? Living through their characters a life they could never have? At least that’s why I’ve been writing for the past thirteen years – ever since I realized that I’m not really a crowd person, one to bend in order to fit in, and that I’ll most probably always be more or less of an outsider.

Funny thing is that even if I’m staying away from people, I’m craving them to come to me. You know… try to break through my walls and shields and just come to me and be there for me, not caring what a ‘horrible’ person I am. But I guess I’m just not worth it (and yeah I know that this is most probably my depressions speaking).

I’ve been watching this one anime the past couple of days and the main character there is… well just the same I was and still am – quiet, insecure, afraid people would hate them, trying to make people like them, but not anyone notices them. Thing is that at some point people start to notice the main character, one falls in love with them, a couple of best friends, a few other friends… and it’s been just so bittersweet watching it… I wish something like this had happened to me… But I still think that no one will ever fall in love with me, that people won’t care enough to reach out their hands and just be there for me without judging me…

I don’t know… I want those stupid exams to be over so that I’ll be able to go back to fully roleplay, to fully forget about reality, to fully live through my characters… because despite how pathetic this is… this is my life… this is the only way I get to exist, be noticed, be loved, hated, cared for… even if the person on the other side doesn’t really gives a damn and is just writing what their character would do or feel or say… Even if it’s just in my imagination, on the paper, in this virtual world… this is the only way I can live…